Conflicted about two events coming up

[4C04]

Basically, there’s a wedding/party coming up and the hosts are family friends (as in, my parents’ friends so they knew me when I was younger/before I got married etc). I’m not really close with them but my mum told me that they’d also invited us (me/husband etc) to the wedding and it would be great for us to all go. I was genuinely looking forward to this because I haven’t been to a wedding for a while and mum life can sometimes stall your social life a bit so I naturally got excited. We didn’t actually get a personal invite - it was merely my mum who gave us this info so I relied on this and told my husband who was also happy to go. We didn’t actually get told the date either just the month so we just carried on as normal and made our own plans to travel somewhere. So, my mum then tells me the date of the party and it happens to be the same date as our travelling plans. I initially wanted to go to the wedding party and thought my husband wouldn’t mind postponing our plans - but he’s not pleased at all for the following reasons:

1. he feels that me changing my mind has been heavily influenced by my mum.
2. he doesn’t understand how we weren’t given a personal invite and were merely told by my mum - he found this strange and slightly annoying - and we also didn’t even know the date until AFTER making our own travelling plans. If the hosts wanted to do things properly they would have asked for our numbers and passed on the party details etc.
3. he thinks that I often go along with whatever my mum wants us to do and he wants me to (in my interpretation) grow up a bit and start doing my own things
4. He had initially said that he’s fine with me going and he’ll travel alone - then he changed his mind after thinking about it 🤔

I only wanted to go because I got really excited about it - but now I feel like I’m kind of being forced to do our travelling plans - is it that bad to change your mind?

Ask your mum to show you the official invitation. Are your names on it? Nobody has wedding guests based on word of mouth,

You’ve not had an actual invite not even a Facebook message.

From the sounds of it this is your mum and dad getting and invite and treating you as a child part of the invite they got. The fact that your husband feels that you always just do whatever mum says and you was about to just again shows there is a big boundary issue between you and your mum.

Also why can’t you get your hair done and nails and lashes or whatever to go on holiday. It doesn’t have to be a wedding you could still just treat yourself you don’t need permission in the form of a big event to have a random pamper day.

You haven't received an official invite (either to the whole day or to the evening reception) from the actual hosts of the wedding party then?? Only an extension of an invite which was sent to your parents and it's actually them that received the invitation?

Go with your husband and do your own thing.

I agree with your husband that you are still dancing to your mother's tune. Time to stand beside your husband and say "Actually mum, we can't make it this time. Please make our apologies to X and Y and tell them we'll do our best to catch up with them at some point when we're next in town" or something along those lines.

Whatever you do, no matter how close you think you are to the party hosts, do not show up having not received an official invite from the hosts.

I guess this is fair. I’ll need to tell my mum that I won’t be able to go, because I had initially told her that I would go and my husband would travel alone (silly, I know).

I don’t think I dance to her tune, I think I just try to make everybody happy at the same time. I’m definitely someone who likes to avoid conflict/confrontation but it’s harder now that I have a family of my own. But I do agree I need to start being more firm with my initial decisions.

I don’t even think there’s an official invitation (from what I’m guessing) because I don’t think my mum spoke of being sent an official invite, I think it was more informal discussions. If there is an official invite I certainly haven’t seen it

😂😂😂

I’m beginning to think this too…

OP, you’ve not been invited, this is your mum trying to get an invitation. Just say you can’t go, get pampered for your holiday instead and leave it at that. Send a gift if you like but the fact you don’t even have their phone number tells me you’re not close and they’ll be fine with you turning it down.

Yes, I agree with this. I’m just trying to think how to break it gently to my mum that I’m not going because I had initially told her I was (when I got all excited).

Mum we have plans since we didn’t have an invite we have booked a holiday. Send my
love, here’s a card. Have a great time.

I don't understand how you got this far without even knowing the date of the wedding! That would be so annoying so I'm with your husband on this.

It was all very informal. I’m gonna be honest, when my mum initially told me I did think it was a strange that the couple wanted us to come too…like, we literally don’t have contact and I only see them now and again because they’re quite close to my parents and they go to their house often. But it was a fleeting feeling and I focused on the excitement of planning outfits etc. but my mum said that because she’s maid of honour that the whole family should be there.

So to be clear you have no invitation?

Then you aren't invited. I am guessing there may have been a conversation and politely your mother may have got the wrong end of the stick.

I don’t have an official invite.

It’s really odd to be this excited about a wedding where you don’t even really know the couple, imho. You need to address your lack of social life but that’s not the way to do it, when you consider prioritising this over your actual travel plans with your husband.

No official invite you aren't invited. So you are free to make a decision on the conflicting event.

Your mum said that because she is maid of honour, her whole family should be there.

That's very, very, very different from you have been invited to this wedding

It's becoming more and more obvious that you actually haven't been invited. If the lack of an invitation wasn't enough of a clue.

You need to apologise to your husband, and go on holiday

I'm not sure you really have been invited. Surely there would be a written invitation by now. It sounds as if your parents want you to be there and perhaps have just assumed it's OK or made a throwaway comment to the hosts which they didn't quite register.
Better prioritise your DC getting to start school on the same day as everyone else, because that is a definite.

It’s kind of hard to explain why I was excited…it’s not that I don’t have a social life, it’s more like, a reason for me to dress up/make up/hair etc. I don’t really get glammed up the way I used to because I’m quite busy with young kids. And yes I know I can plan nights out etc but it’s not that easy and require planning which I sometimes can’t be bothered for.

This.

I also wouldn't assume you are definitely invited.

Yeah, I’ll need to chat with him and clear things up for sure. I do appreciate the various perspectives because I probably wouldn’t have come to this conclusion myself.

my mum said that because she’s maid of honour that the whole family should be there.

And there you have it. Your mum thinks you should have been invited so she was just planning to bring you along and make them put up with it.

Were you going to take your kids to the wedding or were you going to leave them with your DH?

Was your planned trip a family holiday with your children?

You don't seem to give a fuck about whether your husband's happy or not, but he should be top of your list after you. Not a distant third behind your mum and some random couple you don't even have a phone number for.