Conflicted about two events coming up

[4C04]

Basically, there’s a wedding/party coming up and the hosts are family friends (as in, my parents’ friends so they knew me when I was younger/before I got married etc). I’m not really close with them but my mum told me that they’d also invited us (me/husband etc) to the wedding and it would be great for us to all go. I was genuinely looking forward to this because I haven’t been to a wedding for a while and mum life can sometimes stall your social life a bit so I naturally got excited. We didn’t actually get a personal invite - it was merely my mum who gave us this info so I relied on this and told my husband who was also happy to go. We didn’t actually get told the date either just the month so we just carried on as normal and made our own plans to travel somewhere. So, my mum then tells me the date of the party and it happens to be the same date as our travelling plans. I initially wanted to go to the wedding party and thought my husband wouldn’t mind postponing our plans - but he’s not pleased at all for the following reasons:

1. he feels that me changing my mind has been heavily influenced by my mum.
2. he doesn’t understand how we weren’t given a personal invite and were merely told by my mum - he found this strange and slightly annoying - and we also didn’t even know the date until AFTER making our own travelling plans. If the hosts wanted to do things properly they would have asked for our numbers and passed on the party details etc.
3. he thinks that I often go along with whatever my mum wants us to do and he wants me to (in my interpretation) grow up a bit and start doing my own things
4. He had initially said that he’s fine with me going and he’ll travel alone - then he changed his mind after thinking about it 🤔

I only wanted to go because I got really excited about it - but now I feel like I’m kind of being forced to do our travelling plans - is it that bad to change your mind?

And I don’t think it matters that you haven’t got their phone number, presumably you have their address / some idea of where they live so can find it out. A nice card explaining the situation would be better than a phone call - no need for a gift btw - if as it turns out your mother has been acting as their wedding planner and inviting people off her own bat then she can be the one to do the explaining.

And I bet the first the couple would know about your attendance is if you rock up!

This would definitely be my worry!

If you go on the holiday (and I think you should) you now have the added embarrassment of contacting the couple to regretfully decline attendance at a wedding you probably weren't even invited to in the first place. I'd like to be a fly on the wall for that conversation

I think holiday.

However if you wanted to you could send them a gift. Now.

And put in it that you're: "just heard about your wedding, congratulations! I'm sending you this gift early as I'm going on holiday just before your big day for a couple of weeks, but would love to catch up at some point afterwards.

My Mum should have sent you her Acceptance, I would have gone with her but typical I will be on holiday and miss your special day. Have a wonderful day" Etc etc.

Keeps you right on all accounts. Makes it clear you're not coming. Doesn't mention an invite to you personally but let's them know mum will be alone.

I don't think you've actually been invited to the wedding either. I can see why your DH is annoyed about it. You really won't be missed at the wedding.

I know this is about the event clash and I suggest you do what makes you happy (the wedding) and not appease your husband (I say this not knowing the backstory..) however, you are going to have to find a way forward with your husband and your Mum and it may be a conversation needs revising and perhaps that is done with an impartial person but they’re two key people in your life and I imagine harmony (or something toward harmonious) would be preferential to you walking the line of appeasement

I was going to guess this from the OP and then you confirmed it. It's not really a story for another day, is it? I mean, you don't have to go into it on this thread if you don't want to, but the issues between your mum and your husband are at the heart of all of this, and they don't sound resolved at all. You're going to need to tackle them properly sooner or later.

This situation is quite odd to me because the "invite" was so casual and unofficial that you didn't even bother to check before you double-booked yourselves. The wedding wasn't that important to you when you booked travel in the same month without checking, so why has it suddenly become so important that you'd have to cancel all your plans?

And your desire to go to the wedding isn't anything to do with the couple, whom you barely know - it's because you want to please your mum, or fall in line with her expectations, or whatever. Which is where we go back to the central issue of your relationship with your mum, and your husband's issues with her, being the real problem here.

It doesn't really sound like you're invited as you don't even have an invitation, go on your holiday instead

There is no decision to be made - you’re not invited to the wedding anyway! Your mum just seems to have assumed her invite means the whole family, not just her.
Please stick to your own plans and don’t embarrass yourself by attending a wedding where you are not expected.

I'm on your DH's side.
The wedding - which I agree is doubtful whether you are even actually invited to - is of a couple who are at best acquaintances for you, and presumably absolutely no connection to your DH. It wasn't sufficiently high on your priorities to consider when you were planning your trip so it can't really be that important to you can it?
To be honest, it does sound as if it's more about having a night out with your Mum, which yes, would be nice, but isn't really a major event.
I'd be pretty pissed off with my DH if he wanted to change our holiday plans to go to a wedding of people who aren't a significant part of our lives because his parents wanted him there to be honest - especially if we hadn't actually had an invitation. So I can absolutely see why your DH feels the way he does and I don't think he's unreasonable.

This mess is between you and your mum, you're DH has dome nothing wrong.

If you weren't willing to get the date and invitation of the wedding confirmed you shouldn't have booked the other travel.

Now a the drama and you STILL don't know if you are actually invited.

You have not been invited to the wedding. For all you know your mother wants you invited and is trying to create social pressure for it to happen.

Is your relationship with your DH what you'd call a happy one, hard to figure out what words to use but I'm hoping you get my gist.

You seem pulled between doing something to please your DH and your DM.

As said it's unusual to not know by this far into November the full details of the wedding.

I would never go to an event (especially a wedding!) without an actual invite from the people hosting. It does sound either as though you've not actually been invited or the couple were just placating your mum "Oh....yeah sure we'll send them an invite" and then just didn't.

Go on the holiday. Tbh turning up to a wedding with a 2nd hand invitation (unless it's literally back garden bbq type of casual) would be really odd. I would say there is a good chance your mum gas decided you are invited and the couple don't know!
If you only want to go because you wanted to buy a nice dress etc- suggest to your oh you plan a dinner sans kids somewhere fancy and buy new clothes for that?
Honestly , going to a random wedding of someone you barely know just because you want a day out seems bizarre. And I think you husband would be legitimately annoyed with you, is it worth that?

I wouldn’t go without a formal invite. Going to take a leap here and assume your mum has form for treating you like a child so this may be a case of you not being seen as a grown up who makes their own plans so doesn’t need a formal invite because you’re just seen as an extension of your parents.

Your husband is possibly irritated because your mum doesn’t view you as a grown up who needs to be fully consulted and informed in order to make your own plans as a family.

I would be pissed in your husbands shoes.

I've been to some very informal weddings, as I'm sure lots.of us have, but I've never been to a wedding where I haven't received an actual first-hand invitation from the people hosting - and paying for - the.wedding!

Why would you put the wedding (that you may not even be invited to) of practical strangers over travelling with your DH.

I don’t know why you would even want to go to this wedding, let alone cancel plans for it.

I’m 100% on DH’s side here.

Ring them up, thank them for the invite (if you had one) but say you can’t come and wish them well.

You need to be the one to contact them and decline OP.

I wouldn’t trust your mum to do it for you and she’ll end up guilt tripping you the day before about it saying they’re expecting you to be there.

I never even consider this, I think I’ll have to
speak to her about it to clarify whether the hosts expressly told her they wanted us to come or whether she somehow got the impression that we were invited too.

This does sound like something she’d do. I don’t even have their contact details 😭

Okay, you definitely have a point. I’m not sure why I swayed so easily when my mum finally told me that day of the wedding. It’s like I completely forgot the plans we made.

you're right. I do find it hard to tell my mum the truth sometimes. I definitely get treated like a child but sometimes when I want to do my own thing I feel like I’m being mean

I don't think you have actually been invited to wedding!

Definitely not - I think I know what decision I’m going to make now.