To think the less you do the less you cope?

[Breezyyi]

Maybe I’m being unkind. But I am at my wits end with my sister. She’s a few years older in her early thirties . We both have one child and she is pregnant with her second. Her first now 3.5 has been in nursery every day, she collects at 3pm and then takes her to my parents for her dinner. She does one bedtime a week and parter does all others as she feels she can’t as she is 26 weeks pregnant. She doesn’t work and hasn’t since first was born.

In contrast, my husband works away a lot. I work full time. I obviously have to do everything for dd. All get ups, nursery runs, dinners, bedtimes etc. my parents would step in if I needed but my sibling seems to need it so much more than I tend to just do my own thing!

AIBU to think this isn’t the fact she can’t cope but more that she’s used to not coping and has made things harder for herself by not getting on with it? I don’t know… I realise I am being judgemental but the mind boggles as to how you can do so little parenting, not work and need huge support.

You really can't compare 2 different generations that way. There was no awareness of child development, therapy or understanding of human emotions to the extent we have today.
Both set of my grandparents survived WW2 and while they were not perfect, they were no more messed up then many young people today who take drugs and suffer with anxieties. They definitely were more resilient in a sense that hard work or life challenges didn't affect them that much as they considered them normal part of life and something to be done/overcomed, rather then something to worry about.

I agree in a way. I think there’s an optimum balance for everyone. personally I find that if I have too much freedom/flexibility I lose motivation and I end up taking less in my stride than usual.

I am not comparing any generations. Of course not everyone is going to experience war in the same way. I am just commenting that going through a war will not always make you necessarily more resilient, but rather you just end up having to shut up and put up. I am talking about my observations of my family and their friends, all who went through invasions, brutal and sadistic occupation etc, all of which messed many of them up, and this manifested in many negative ways, throughout their lives.

Well I'll give you that to you, it doesn't explicitly say that.

I've extrapolated from incomplete data. Why would OP be posting this if her sister was regularly doing something reciprocal for her parents.

And PS - she isn't "seeing her parents for dinner". She's taking her child over there so her parents feed the child. And possibly her as well.

is she bonded to her child? I cant imagine not working placing child/children in care outside of home and then dropping by moms house to be fed and most likely child entertained and needs met by GP I agree op…often the less people do the less they think they can do or should have to do See it in work environment every day She doesnt sound like an involved mom to me And i do recognize thats a choice

It was relentless and exhausting, but it didn't last forever. . But I wasn't a martyr for getting on and doing what was needed for my kids because I didn't have a village. My point was that if that poster thinks doing completely normal daily tasks to keep a household running is "martyrdom" then she must be completely amazed how much I got done when my kids were little.

When you talk about people who grew up during WW2 then you are talking about a different generation which also grew up with corporal punishment and unhealthy attitudes to emotions etc, which contributed to being "messed up". It's not just because of war.

However regardless of how "messed up" a person is resilience means being able to adapt and bounce back from adversities/hardship. And people after WW2 did. They were also more adapted to hard work and struggle. Being able to get on with life is a form of resilience and the whole thread is about ability to get on things, face hard work/challenges versus complaining and having a little breakdown.
Mental health and being messed up is a different subject.

Of course it’s not just because of war, but war can and does have a massive impact on a person’s mental health, and how they cope or don’t cope in life, subsequently. Ultimately every one copes differently, and for some people, they actually lose their resilience, they may had had, because of the impact of what they went through.

Couldn't agree less

Actually, various medical and psychiatric papers don't take quite that view!

I do the to agree to some degree. I know people with amazing supportive parents who drop everything to help around the house, with gardening, child care, collect from the airport, feed the dog for them etc. and yet they can’t cope with life. I find it a bit hard to understand. I know we’re all different but it must be terrible going through life feeling so vulnerable despite being so well supported…

Or - you don't bounce back?

But we're not talking about mental health, we're talking about resilience. They are not the same things.
Resilience is the ability to get on with things, to bounce back from negative emotions and focus on facing a challenge, solving a problem or just adapting to surviving.
You can be very "messed up " and be resilient or have very good mental health and cry under little challenge.
War or trauma are extreme examples and ofcourse they leave a lot of scars but I meant that in general terms my grandparents generation was much more resilient then I or people of today because they were more adapted to hard work and challenges.

I completely disagree. If you have good and strong mental health you are better able to cope with adversity, and in this way you foster greater resilience. And I was specifically talking about war, in response to a previous poster, who had said that generations who had experienced war were more resilient. I replied that that was not always necessarily the case, not for everyone.

You ask why OP is at her wits end when it comes to her sister. Well, maybe - maybe - it's down to OP's lack of personal resilience?

Resilience is also situational, not just a personal quality.

Someone can be resilient to one thing and not another.

Like I am resilient if my car breaks down because I live in an area with public transport I'm physically active so can walk, I own a bike, I have breakdown cover and I have friends and family who would give me a lift if desperate. Loads of ways to bounce back from that challenge and still get to work or the gp or the supermarket.

But I wasnt resilient to my neighbour bulling me. I found it hard to bounce back from and moved as a strategy to deal with it and it cost financially and it still upsets me if I think on it.

I wonder if there are things going on under the surface here that the OP is unaware of. Maybe the sister is having mental health difficulties or complications with the pregnancy. It would certainly explain the amount of help that she is getting, both from her partner and her parents, and seems more likely than laziness.
Maybe I have a skewed perspective though, as I have a very dangerous physical health problem that I don't tell people about, and I end up being so paranoid about being thought of as weak that I never ask for help. My friends always insist that they would help if I asked, but I know that people would think less of me if they knew just how much I struggled.

I can't make definite conclusions about your sister as I don't know her: she could be genuinely unable to cope, especially if she has any pregnancy complications;she could just be making excuses. But I do disagree with the general view that 'if you are forced to cope you magically do', especially in long-term situations. It's true that people sometimes can put resources that they never knew they had into responding to a sudden emergency. But being forced long-term into inescapable stressful situations often harms the individual's mental or physical health, and may lead to poor coping that harms both themselves and others.

Resilience is knowing you can catch yourself if you fall.

I hate to point it out but it's not possible to catch oneself when one is falling.

The catching always requires another person to do it.

Little things like being at her "wits end" over how her sister lives her life? Something that doesn't affect her at all? Doesn't sound like the OP is as resilient as she thinks she is.

In fact, it sounds like she's deliberately avoiding the real problem. Which is that her husband's a useless wanker who can't be bothered parenting his own kids. I'm sure it's because he has a very important man job - unlike the OP, of course.

Breezyyi, it sounds like you're just jealous that your sister had the sense to marry a man who can pick his kids out of a lineup. In which case, the famous Mumsnet expression applies: "You have a DH problem."

Sounds like Denise from the Royle family.

@CliantheLang it affects me as anytime we arrange to meet there is a drama… always late, very difficult about where we can or can’t go, etc.

My other half does his share of parenting. He’s hands on. My point with my OP was more being curious as to why those who objectively seem to have harder circumstances do tend to get on with things better. My sibling’s circumstances are pretty easy yet she seems to struggle. I’m not sure me making this observation means I have any problem at all?

@ToWhitToWhoo yes that’s a good point. I suppose lots of things are not sustainable resilience wise in the long run.

Comparison is the thief of joy op. It sounds like you feel a bit superior.

Oh and 'resilience' is a myth. Resilience is a fancy term for 'coping in times of difficulty' and is learned as a result of stress, often resulting in maladaptive coping strategies. Like never asking for help. Or always thinking you've got to be perfect, in order for people to 'notice' you.

Is your sister the 'golden child' by any chance?