To have a romantic view of life as a SAHM?

[ConfusedMummy12]

I'm really struggling with my time management. I work school hours from home. I make a very easy meal in my lunch break, which I have for lunch and then we all have for dinner.
Otherwise, I work while kids are in school.
Do the basics housework (clean kitchen, laundry etc) when they get home.
And we split the rest of the housework between us evenings and weekends and have a cleaner 2 hrs a week.

AIBU to really want a break and be a SAHM for a while? I have this romantic notion that I'll actually get to do some yoga or swimming or something regularly, read a book, cook a wider variety of meals, clean the house myself while the kids are in school and actually be present with them when they get home, get on top of the backlog of decluttering and repainting etc, use weekends to visit family, etc.

Money would be tight, but I think we could manage...and if we don't I have enough savings to cover the time it would take to job hunt for something else...but I'm worried I'm being too optimistic about the grass being greener on the other side.

Time box your cleaning and cooking no more than an hour a day. Do your life admin for one hour, one day a week and it will all get done eventually. Put aside proper time for business admin and school admin. If you’re just trying to fit this stuff in you will feel stressed.

Eventually your dc will be getting homework and stuff from school and we all have uniform to wash (and then maybe bloody ironing) so even the most stay at home mum will have chores to do at the weekend.

I am not nd but I work full time plus a small side hustle and there is time to do the things you want to do most of the time as I do those things. I would not be cooking at lunchtime and be doing a walk or yoga then. When you make tea make enough for lunch the next day so you can do that. Share bedtime and weekend activities with your husband so you both get some evening and weekend time to decompress and do things you like. And it gets easier because you get more efficient and your dc get more independent. And you will be fine 😊

The most difficult things I find about being at home are:
When you spend so much time looking after other people, you can lose the motivation to look after yourself properly. You can become bottom of the list of priorities
Not working can be bad for self esteem and you can end up feeling a bit aimless, like you are constantly striving to get stuff done but never really get the satisfaction of achieving anything e.g. you clean the whole house, you know the next day it will be a tip again, you cook a nice, healthy meal and they complain and only pick at it and you have to argue about it then half of it goes to waste.
Plus parenting in general is a long game. You don’t really get to see immediate results and a feeling of accomplishment in a noticeable, measurable way so it can be easy to get disheartened and frustrated
Feeling under appreciated.
More time to think and worry.
The relentlessness: being the default, if dc are sick or won’t sleep, it’s nearly always your responsibility because the other parent is working (even if you are also sick unless you literally can’t do it).
You probably will have all the responsibility for making appointments / taking dc to appointments/ buying presents for bdays/xmas and for friends bdays etc(stuff they call life admin/ the mental load on here) plus your own appointments/ social life have to fit around theirs and you always have to be able to drop everything if they get sick in school or something so that limits you a bit too
Kids often take you for granted if you’re always there. I was chatting with other mums who are at home about it and they said the same. For example, you pick them up from school every day (which is great because you get to chat to them about what happened in school, meet their friends/ other parents etc) they are so used it, they’re not that pleased to see you. My dd sometimes asks me why can’t she get picked up by a childminder or go to after school club, it’s not fair etc She thinks those things are a treat she’s not getting and is just lumped with me 😅 (if you already do most of the school runs, this might not apply to you though). I think they often take things out on you a bit more as well. Plus you end up being largely responsible for how they behave. You’re the one that’s with them the most/ doing the most part of the parenting, if they start acting up or have problems it gets taken up with you, it can be seen as (and sometimes feel like) it’s your fault, after all you are the one who is with them all the time.
A lot of this is subjective. It depends on a lot of things, what your life is like, your personality/ their personalities, your relationship with your partner etc. Also, how long you plan to do it for, what kind of supports you have. I don’t have a social life outside of dc for example. I have lost touch with friends through COVID and having dc plus pnd etc so now my husband goes on nights out with work sometimes but I literally haven’t had a night out for about seven years. He does a lot of things like occasionally travel for work, Christmas parties etc, I am at home with dc.
When he gets time off work, he can’t just take over with dc or he will be run into the ground, or we will want to do things together like a day out (which let’s face it can be harder work than a regular day) so I never really get any time off (mind you neither does he, that’s just parenting I suppose)
As I say, it’s all very personal, but those are quite common things that people often don’t realise or consider about being a sahp.
And then you have to deal with some people’s attitudes, that you’re living a life of luxury or you’re lazy, must be great not to have to work (in my situation it I’m at home because I’m only capable of earning less than the cost of childcare and have struggles with mh that would make it impossible to balance working with dc), everyone else can do what I do and earn a living etc etc.

Okay MNers...you've inspired me to make some changes and try and keep my job!

1. Am going to incorporate exercise into what I do with DCs

1. I asked chat gpt to make me a meal plan so I don't have to think about what I'm doing every day

1. Might up cleaner hours or get a robot hoover...or let things be slightly less clean!

1. Made a schedule where I am blocking time out for cleaning/admin so I don't feel like it's just an endless list of tasks

AFC isn't an option for us...one DC has special needs and sometimes has to come home early. There is talk from the school that it would benefit him to do shorter days in general. Not sure what I'd do then...and how to manage sickness etc. In general I think I need 2-3 months to reset our house and lives and then would want to go back, but that's not an option!

Thank you so much for helping me clarify my thoughts.

Inspiring post @ConfusedMummy12

Re exercise: home workouts (on YouTube) are best for my routine and you can do that with kids in the house, I think it sets an amazing example to them. For example Kate Hudson has said seeing her mum Goldie Hawn run on a treadmill at home gave her the message this is a part of life you keep up with

If you just feel you need a couple of months off to reset : could you look into unpaid parental leave while you keep your job?

Having a set time off is actually a good motivator to do what you need to in a specific timeframe- being at home with no end date it’s more likely your time would just drift!

I'm a SAHM and think your life sounds a much better balance. I'm pregnant with 2 toddlers though so not spending my days doing yoga and swimming.

It's seems on odd time to start being at home, once your kids are actually at school and don't require childcare. It's sounds more like you want more you time than more time as a mum.

If you really think you can do without your whole salary then I'd cut hours to 3 days and invest the 3 days salary into more help. Cleaner 3 times a week. Send all the toys off to one of those companies that sells them for you. Get a gardener. Pay for the painting to be done etc. Robot hoover is amazing but doesn't replace an actual good hoovering done by a person.

Then you have 2 days to yourself as well. And have cash to actually pay for things you'd want to do. Best of both worlds I'd think.

@Bigbiggirlinabigbigworld not on admin.
I used to volunteer. I did schools admissions appeals, helped in school, was a schhool governor for 15 years. I had elderly parents who needed help. Fitting most of that into my day meant I could do stuff with the children in the evening. We live rurally so right up until they could drive there was a lot of driving around.
Now I realise people can squeeze all that in around work. It's just nice if you don't have to. And I did work, just not full time.

I don't know. Would you be alright if your partner turned around and said they wanted to stop working to doss about and do a bit of yoga?

Personally I wouldn't support this. I think its incredibly selfish to impact your family financially (as you say money will be tight) instead of coming up with a more manageable way of doing things.

If he was also going to do all the cooking, cleaning and childcare I wouldn't mind.
He supports the idea as it would free up his time too.

It's the morning that's the pinch point. I like to get set up for my day (put the laundry out, cook breakfast, eat breakfast, clear up after breakfast, chop some veggies in prep for dinner, etc), pack their snacks and water bottles.... - and they like connection, e.g. a 10 min play/reading to them while they eat... particularly the one with SEN who is v anxious about school.

Part of me felt like if I wasn't working I'd be able to leave that all, give them attention, and do it when I get home from drop off.

Drop a day and enjoy one day a week to do yoga etc. Could be a better compromise than totally giving up work.

Also, when I say 'money would be tight' I mean I would actually have to think about areas we spend in which we thoughtlessly throw money at right now - like a PP said. Eg I bought some routine cards for my DC from etsy cos I don't have time to make them - I would just be able to hand make them and other games / resources that help his development (he has SEN so I can't just 'leave him to it'.) Or stop spending money on cleaners/gardening/car cleaning. Or actually shop around for insurance rather than immediately accepting the renewal.

But we'd still be able to afford the things we want to spend on. Food, holidays, classes etc etc.

But I take the general point from the posts here that this pinch point will only last about a year or two before they're all old enough to be well-settled at school, at which point maintaining everyone else might get dreary....and that it would be hard to re-enter the workforce again

Sorry but with a cleaner for 2hrs every week what on earth takes another 8 hours a week??

My cleaner comes once a month and does a deep clean, we do in between and I don't do that much. I also work 4 days and manage to go to gym classes and read books - I can't really see why you don't have time for anything?

Cooking and cleaning up after I cook takes an hour a day....so thats 5 hours, not counting the weekend
....a couple of hours probably hanging laundry outside (we don't have a dryer) and putting laundry away, we do a wash every day.
Ad-hoc cleaning like giving the bathroom a quick clean or running the hoover around.
And we have a backlog of stuff I want to clear out which I slowly chip away at each week.

I'm not sure you're after this sort of advice but fwiw -

• a one pan or similar meal 2x per week
• a heated airer, esp with that much washing

... would save you at least 2h a week.

I actually wouldn't rate a robot vacuum. We have an all-singing ££££ iRobot and it sits in its corner sulking most of the time.

That definitely helps, thank you! I think I just need to streamline things a lot

How would the heated airer help? Isn't the time taken hanging up, taking down and putting away still the same?

It's indoors, so you're less at the mercy of the weather, and significantly faster to dry.

I think you use your time less wisely the more you have. So on a Monday you could clean the bathroom but you could also clean it on Tuesday. When you only have one day to do it you crack on. This is what I found when I was on maternity leave and living the SAHM life.

I work Monday- Friday school (ish) hours too. On paper it's perfect but it's actually hands down the worst part time working pattern I've ever done.

Ive started finishing at lunch time most Fridays and buying myself a couple of hours before I collect the children. It seems to be working.

^ if this is the issue I would actually get to a couple of hours before the kids & do it then

Sounds mean but I find the morning hours really productive - and I’d rather get up at eg 5.30/6am and kids at 7am than lose my financial independence, pension etc

Friends who are SAHMs haven’t found it easy to get back to work /are in much lower paid jobs in the end: your job sounds perfect

Otherwise I’d be trying every time saver in the book to get through a pinch point of a year or 2:

• tumble dry if you have to
• easy meals and less variety
• drop your cleaning standards

Just simplify & outsource what you can

Otherwise you give up your independence to facilitate the rest of the family (you are already doing that to a good extent working PT). No job & you become more vulnerable

I would love it - although my kids are all grown up, youngest is 15. But maybe I just want to retire early lol

I love having a day off, doing the housework, going and getting bits to make a proper meal, having a shower before everyone else gets in, spending a few more hours with DM and DD who are getting older now and probably could use some help from me

If you can afford to give up work at a stretch then why not oursource a bit more of the household stuff. Won't cost much compared to losing your income

Pay a launderette to do wash and dry each week. A few loads cost us £30 the other week when our washing machine broke.

Pay a cleaner to come in another 2 hours

I understand the point you're making, but I really take issue with the idea that people who don't work a paid job are "economically inactive". They still make purchases, and the work they do in their community and/or household DOES contribute to the economy. We've got a very narrow limited view of what it means to be economically contributing, and we seem to think it means "working for a wage" and that's it. It's simply not that black and white. It also demonises people who don't work as simply being drains and takers.

I'm not quite sure how you are struggling to manage with a school-hours job that is based at home while your children are at school. Both parents working 5 days a week, 9-5, and hybrid is the majority of working parents I know (and that is considered a pretty good deal).

Not sure what's romantic about spending more time cleaning your house and cooking while being tight on money. Sounds hellish to me.

Why on earth are you doing so much housework - 2 people both doing it evenings and weekends, you have a cleaner 2 hours a week, and you aren't even including laundry in that? Do you live in Downton Abbey or something?

Swimming or yoga could be an evening class.