To have a romantic view of life as a SAHM?

[ConfusedMummy12]

I'm really struggling with my time management. I work school hours from home. I make a very easy meal in my lunch break, which I have for lunch and then we all have for dinner.
Otherwise, I work while kids are in school.
Do the basics housework (clean kitchen, laundry etc) when they get home.
And we split the rest of the housework between us evenings and weekends and have a cleaner 2 hrs a week.

AIBU to really want a break and be a SAHM for a while? I have this romantic notion that I'll actually get to do some yoga or swimming or something regularly, read a book, cook a wider variety of meals, clean the house myself while the kids are in school and actually be present with them when they get home, get on top of the backlog of decluttering and repainting etc, use weekends to visit family, etc.

Money would be tight, but I think we could manage...and if we don't I have enough savings to cover the time it would take to job hunt for something else...but I'm worried I'm being too optimistic about the grass being greener on the other side.

I agree with others, you have a unicorn job and (assuming you actually enjoy it and aren’t seeking another job) need to think before you give it up.

lower standards
easier lunch / batch cooking 1-2ice a week so you can have a walk or do a yoga class
dh to have children solo for a bit of the weekend so you can do a class

I meet a lot of women age 40-50 whose kids are a little older and who now want to work again having been SAHM. It’s not easy, even for very bright women. And it erodes self esteem for many too.

I did the same after reading something on here about how working school hours is the worst of both worlds and it has made life so much better! A whole day off means I achieve so much more, a much better balance.

I mean sure, everyone would prefer to not work but no I would not quit at the expense of my partner who would have to cover all costs..
You also make yourself vulnerable in future, so no.
Take some unpaid leave to catch up on stuff if you feel you need to.

After my STBXH having an affair and leaving 2 years ago, I'm glad I always kept my career. No one ever thought he would do this and I would never advocate putting yourself in a position where you are completely reliant on another person's income. I'm a single mum with a full time, full on job. Kids stay with their dad once a fortnight for one night. I manage to juggle stuff. It's just about being organised. I hated being part time when I did it for a year though so I'm just the kind of person who likes to be on the go. I definitely wouldn't give up a school hours WFH job. Sounds like a perfect compromise you have at the moment

I have worked full time, part time and now not at all. We have earned (and spent) a lot of money. I was made redundant during Covid and haven't worked since. Our life albeit with less money is the best it has been. We have time, which is a very much underrated commodity.

When we both worked full time and had children at school we had so little time and spent money without considering it. Our lives were quite superficial really. Now I have time to consider spending. Our lives are more authentic and I can tell you the
Price of everything. Before I didn't have a clue, shopping was a trolley dash.

I know not working isn't a possibility for everyone and we are fortunate that it is for us but I think it's always worth thinking about.

Thanks everyone. I'll reply individually later but just a few thoughts...

...it's been a particularly intense period for us which is probably why I'm feeling so stretched. My youngest has additional needs and I've been back and forth with school trying to get them met, filling in paperwork etc. There is talk of Flexi schooling him as they don't have the staff to teach him certain things he's going to need for yr1. But this might all settle down soon.

Then our cleaner is away and didn't let us know in advance (it was an emergency visit to her home country) to make alternative arrangements, so we suddenly had a lot more to do (which incidentally took us a lot longer than it would have taken her!)

And I haven't had any spare time recently as we used the part of the weekend I would normally be alone resetting to visit family.

And I've been ill.

All of this feels like a hot bed that would have been easier to deal with if I hadn't been working.

HOWEVER I can self reflect from your replies that I probably wouldn't want to be the only person responsible for housework, in fact I'd hate that. I can delegate more, and things may settle down in a term or a year and then I'd want to be working. I do enjoy my job and I think it's a good idea to drop a day. I'd love to hire someone who can get on top of the backlog of housework.

As for whether my DH is on board...he can see how much I'm juggling and certainly if we end up partially home edding. He wanted to retire at 50 but is happy to retire later if it means the DC get their needs met while they are little. He can also see massive advantages for himself in that, as other posters have said, he'd have more time for leisure too, and I could spend more time working on the business.

I didn't realise school hours only jobs are so hard to come by, it baffles me that professions like NHS, lawyers, accountants etc haven't recognised the need for them..(I'm ND so if this shouldn't be baffling to a NT please be gentle, I'm not deliberately trying to be obtuse!)

I completely get where you’re coming from OP. I went back to work when DS was 11 months and was the only one of my group of ‘mum friends’ who was working. It was tough, they all seemed to be having lovely chilled days going to playgroups and drinking coffee. Now all of our kids have started Reception they are all getting bored and are struggling to find suitable jobs that they can do around the school run. Because they were always the default parent their partners seem to think that they will continue to do all of the housework, be responsible for everything child-related etc, I think it’s just become the norm.
I have quite a stressful job and still have days where I fantasise about packing it in BUT I work 3 days (all on site), term time only. So I have 2 days a week where I can work out, do stuff around the house, see friends etc. while DS is at school . If you have the option of going down to 3 or 4 days then do it, honestly it’s the best of both worlds!

You work school hours from home, will you find a job that will benefit you more than that?

suggest getting a cleaner? Or the kids involved with the tasks so it’s quicker and something you do together while chatting.

Because of the yoga, reading comments it sounds like you don’t actually want to be a SAHM you just need to off the mental load a bit

How can you be surprised that 9-3, 38 or so weeks a year, isn't what most professionals are able to do?

I did do the lion's share of the housework but it was so... easy?

Would you mind elaborating on this, please? My mum made it look easy too but I am struggling to keep up with everything, especially laundry, now that I have children.

What has changed? I feel like if I knew, I could fix it.

I work during the school hols, unless I use my annual leave, unpaid leave etc.

But I'm surprised there are not more 9-3ish paid jobs.

In my industry there was a huge push to get women back into the profession (average age of leaving 38 vs average age men leaving 62). To me, quite a lot of that problem could be solved by being willing to let people go part time...
This may not actually be an issue in other industries though, haven't done any research on it.

How old are the kids and do you have an active partner? I work FT from home and manage the things you're wanting to do. DH does most of the laundry through the week so ignore that (he works FT too), we have a cleaner so don't have to worry about that, I go out to my hobby and exercise classes (including yoga) 4 times a week in the evenings when DH is clearing up after dinner (that I've made, I cook from scratch every day usually 5.30-6 when DH is collecting DS). I'm in when eldest gets in from school so he's not a latch key kid. Weekends are family time.

I will go for a walk at lunch time. Oh and food shop online!

Why can’t you give your children attention after school if you only work school hours ?

My set up is pretty much identical to yours. As far as I'm concerned, there's not a chance in hell I'd give up my flexible, school hours wfh position. It's basically the holy grail of working parent roles. Yes obviously being a parent and working is stressful and hard but that's just life. If you can give up a day that might give you the balance you need.

I agree working every school day at home isn't the best for you, it is the best for everyone else. The benefits of working with young children includes getting out of the house, meeting other adults, switching off from home . I would look for something else 2.5 days a week outside the home and share school runs with husband.
Interesting the woman who need to point out that men also want the choice to give up work, usually men don't want to up end their lives to take home domestic work and children.

Also be really careful with 4 days, in my experience you end up with 20% less pay but the same work load. I've remained full time since mine have been in school, like a PP I think having flexibility and owning your diary is the most powerful weapon for a working parent!

This sounds like the dream 😭

@DifficultBloodyWoman when I was a child my mum didn’t work but looked after house and cooking etc.

the difference then was me and my sister played outside all day. We’d go off miles with friends. Mum would say be back for tea … then we were gone. To the woods, friends, just playing outside, all from age about 5.
and parents left kids to it. No constant having to supervise, or entertain or take to farm/swimming/toddler music or whatever. No phones to check etc. And at weekends we simply did whatever it was our parents had lined up. I remember being dragged to dads allotment for hours to help etc

i think that’s the difference. And of course in those days dad could afford a 4 bed semi on one national average wage and to keep
a wife and two children.

I think school hours are a bit shit, tbh - all of the work stress, and then straight into kid/family stuff. I’d rather work 3 or 4 days full time, use childcare and have one or two days completely off. That way you get kid free mornings and can do play dates/clubs in the afternoon.

To the posters saying she needs to work part time - read the posts, her job is already part time. Flexible. In school hours. No commute.

To the ones asking if she has an active partner - she has stated yes her husband who works and also does his fair share as he should of housework.

To the ones saying get a cleaner - she has a cleaner already.

Actually what baffles me most is people not reading the OP's comments and still commenting.

I am also ND op.

I've worked a lot of work patterns since having children in school. I found school hours the most tiring. More that full time.

You don't get a break but still do everything as it were.

I know full time you still do all the housework etc, but the patch between school and tea, for me, was sorted by afterschool club. I was already at work so it wasn't more commute, and if anything it was only a small amount more work spread over more hours. But there wasn't time for reading books and yoga.

For that you need one day off in the school week.

The washing will never be done.

I used to be a stay at home mum. I honestly loved it… until my youngest started school and then I was bored and listless and sank into a depression. All my other SAHM friends had gone back to work or moved out of London. We also needed more money. I felt embarrassed, tbh, when people would ask “what do you do?” when all my children were at school.

I went back to work 2 days a week and it’s a great balance. DH does the pickups and drop offs the days I work (he works from home those days), and I do the rest the days I don’t including all the other stuff that comes along with parenting (like taking care of sick days etc).

More money would be great (really great!) but I like the balance in my life this way.

As my children get older and don’t need me as much (sick days / appointments / play dates / school pickups etc), I’ll start working more.

I wonder if you could put the kids in ASC one-two afternoons a week, would that offer enough breathing space?

As another ND person - you may also just need more buffer space. I wouldn’t chuck your career in to achieve it though.

Are all your children in school? I live abroad and have a lot of friends who are SAHMs with all their children in school. At first they loved it and had time like you describe to get the house organised, go to the gym, cook nice meals etc. However now that it’s been going on a for a few months or a year a lot of them are really struggling with the lack of purpose - they were so busy as SAHMs for years with little children and no family support because we live abroad but now they don’t necessarily have enough to fill their time and because of where we live it’s difficult to find work.

I have been a SAHM for 7 years but have always had young children (my youngest now is a baby) and I love it. However because some of my children are pre-school age, I don’t have time for yoga, reading books etc in the day. During nap time, I have time to cook dinner, fold the washing and do a bit of cleaning (we don’t have a cleaner) but nothing more than that.

So basically - if your kids are in school it will probably feel blissful for the first bit. It will also probably benefit your family because things will be calmer and more organised at home but I would be very wary of the novelty wearing off. If your kids aren’t school age you probably won’t have any free time to relax!