To voluntarily put my child into care

[Crumplesock]

We are at the point now where we think we may need to either put our eldest into the care system or seperate and live in 2 seperate homes to keep our children apart for fear that the eldest will seriously harm the younger two children. However, I'm not sure how we will actually finance two seperate homes (even 2 x 1bedroom flats).

Our son is autistic with a PDA profile. We are low demand parenting, and he does not attend school after being excluded and we are following his lead in Home Education. We followed the At Peace Parenting Course (which is amazing and so insightful, if not a little crazy on price!) but she told us we need to radically accept that this is our son's disability, this is part of it and we need to accommodate it. She shared how her family had to live sperately for a while. We are being advised by all the professionals that we are doing all we can for our son's needs and are accommodating and parenting him in line with his disabilities. But I just feel so broken at it.

As our son is getting bigger, his level of aggression is increasing and becoming harder to manage. We attempt to keep the children separated at all times but this is hard when there is only 1 parent at home and all 3 do need to be watched constantly.

Our other two children, and us parents too, are receiving multiple injuries daily.

Our son has taken to doing home workouts, which is absolutely brilliant and I want to encourage a healthy lifestyle but his strength is crazy. I've witnessed him do 20+ pull ups, he can now lift 1.5× his bodyweight in a Deadlift. I spoke to him about this passion of his and he said its so he can always make sure he is the strongest and to make people scared of him.

I know deep down there's a scared boy in there, whose doing this as a reaction to school trauma and being pushed around by school bullies (he had it quite bad). But it also terrifies me at how he is stronger than me and it won't be long before he levels with my husband.

I have spoke to Social Sevices today who has said they'll get a support package and stated that this is Child-on-parent (and sibling) abuse and that they do need to safe guard our other children

OP I don't know if you're still reading but just wanted to say that the situation must feel impossible at times and I really feel for you, trying to weigh up a safe home environment for your youngest two vs the unthinkable of no longer living with your still very young son. I'm also so sorry for the loss of your child.

The school my son went to had a SALT, OT, play therapist, psychiatrist etc on site. My son had 20 hours of SALT written into his EHCP by the tribunal. My son went at 19 but I really wish I’d known about residential when he was younger because he made so much progress there in 3 short years. You definitely wouldn’t regret it.

Acknowledging the trauma caused by sibling abuse isn’t ’ableist’.

The fact that the perpetrator may be disabled and cannot be held accountable for their actions doesn’t negate the damage caused to the victim. It also doesn’t mean the victim should be obliged to suck it up and forgive.

You are talking about a traumatised disabled eight year old. Get a grip.

No, it isn’t per se, but the overall attitude is. An eight year old is not an abuser. He is a frightened and dysregulated child, a very young child.

What is ableist is the lack of acknowledgment that trauma has been inflicted on the disabled child here. Not intentionally, not deliberately and not knowingly. A meltdown is a neurological event, not a behaviour. It’s more akin to a seizure. It cannot be abusive.

What’s ableist is the demonising of the autistic child here and the lack of acknowledgement that his needs matter too. The fact that posters think it’s acceptable to demonise an eight year old child and remove them from the family unit is abhorrent.

This thread has been quite shocking to read. No wonder OP has stopped posting. I hope she got some pointers to getting some constructive help. Of course the younger children need to be protected and agencies need to work together with the family to draw up a plan but I’m shocked at the posters saying just get the 8 year old out and predicting that he will inevitably grow up to be sociopathic. OP and her husband are responsible for all their children . When she has shown any love and concern for her son some posters have attacked her for it. I hope OP gets some help and support and takes any help available to her. She is in an extremely difficult position trying to balance everyone’s needs.

Social services have labeled it abuse.

Abuse does not have to be intentional in order to be considered as such. That the harm isn’t caused by someone that can fully understand what they’re doing does not make the action any less harmful to the victim, or a reason why they the victim
should be expected to tolerate it, or be around the perpetrator.

It absolutely is acceptable to remove an eight year old child from the family unit if said eight year old child poses a considerable risk to those around him.

Who is harming and traumatizing his younger siblings.

Unusual. Social Care would usually avoid applying such judgemental language when referring to a young child without capacity and talk about concerning behaviour or harmful behaviour.

In the OP:

“I have spoke to Social Sevices today who has said they'll get a support package and stated that this is Child-on-parent (and sibling) abuse and that they do need to safe guard our other children“

Consider medicating him? The OP has made clear many times that she cannot at the moment, the Dr and CAHMs won’t proscribe for him, and she cannot find a private pysc who has space!
Why suggest things that she is already trying?

Poisonous? Ableist? Why are you so dismissive of the lived experiences of those who have suffered sibling on sibling violence?

I think you are being very unfair on mothers who are trying their best by all their children.

It isn’t all about the mothers, or the disabled children. The needs of the siblings that are being subjected to abuse aren’t something that can be hand waved away with a ‘oh, but it’s so much harder for X’.

The need of the perpetrator to remain in the home is not greater than the need of the victims to be safe in it.

'the perpetrator'

An 8 year old disabled child.

Yes, who is perpetrating abuse on his siblings.

FFS DISABLED CHILD.

You have clearly no empathy for either the mother or the disabled child.

THAT IS PERPETRATING ABUSE ON HIS SIBLINGS.

’Empathy’ does not mean believing that the DISABLED CHILD should remain in the family home if he is a danger to his siblings.

The mother on this thread came on here for support, because she was well aware that what the siblings are going through is neither acceptable nor sustainable. She, as a mother, has a duty to all of her children.

She's doing a really good job.

Calling her 8 year old, disabled child the 'perp' is entirely unhelpful. The mother knows this. She left the thread because you were being so rude to a disable child.

So what's your suggestion? Throw him into the streets? She's already saying that this might be the way forward but there ARE no options because any support for high needs disabled children are limited.

Show some empathy to the OP. She loves all of her children.

As I recall, I had posted once before she left the thread. So not quite.

Her duty to her child is not necessarily keeping the child within the family home.

Have you experienced trying to balance the needs of vulnerable children within the family home?

Have you experience of parenting a high needs disabled child?

This OP has left this thread, if not because of your views because of views like yours.

SHE is doing her best. The child is not EVIL , he is a disabled 8 year old. The families needs are best met if ALL of the children's needs are accomoddated. You haven't got a clue. A 8 year old child shouldn't be abandoned because he's not neurotypical and can't cope with things and is lashing out.

I can't be bothered with your ablism. It disgusts me. You'd throw a young child to a pyre because you haven't the congitive abiliity to realise that ALL of the children in the scenario can be helped. Shame on you.

I’ve been quite clear - I believe the child should go into the care of social services if he continues to pose a threat to his siblings.

That is indeed an option. OP can refuse to have him in the family home and social services would HAVE to step in and assume care.

I have not claimed the child is evil. What he is, intentionally or unintentionally, is abusive towards his siblings. If he continues to pose a danger to them he should be removed from the family home, as the need for his siblings to be safe in it is greater than his need to remain in it.

’Shame on me’ all you like. I’m not in the least bit 🤷🏻‍♀️