To voluntarily put my child into care

[Crumplesock]

We are at the point now where we think we may need to either put our eldest into the care system or seperate and live in 2 seperate homes to keep our children apart for fear that the eldest will seriously harm the younger two children. However, I'm not sure how we will actually finance two seperate homes (even 2 x 1bedroom flats).

Our son is autistic with a PDA profile. We are low demand parenting, and he does not attend school after being excluded and we are following his lead in Home Education. We followed the At Peace Parenting Course (which is amazing and so insightful, if not a little crazy on price!) but she told us we need to radically accept that this is our son's disability, this is part of it and we need to accommodate it. She shared how her family had to live sperately for a while. We are being advised by all the professionals that we are doing all we can for our son's needs and are accommodating and parenting him in line with his disabilities. But I just feel so broken at it.

As our son is getting bigger, his level of aggression is increasing and becoming harder to manage. We attempt to keep the children separated at all times but this is hard when there is only 1 parent at home and all 3 do need to be watched constantly.

Our other two children, and us parents too, are receiving multiple injuries daily.

Our son has taken to doing home workouts, which is absolutely brilliant and I want to encourage a healthy lifestyle but his strength is crazy. I've witnessed him do 20+ pull ups, he can now lift 1.5× his bodyweight in a Deadlift. I spoke to him about this passion of his and he said its so he can always make sure he is the strongest and to make people scared of him.

I know deep down there's a scared boy in there, whose doing this as a reaction to school trauma and being pushed around by school bullies (he had it quite bad). But it also terrifies me at how he is stronger than me and it won't be long before he levels with my husband.

I have spoke to Social Sevices today who has said they'll get a support package and stated that this is Child-on-parent (and sibling) abuse and that they do need to safe guard our other children

Have you finished yet?

Right, so have you actually read the mothers posts?

She knows this.

She's trying everything to protect ALL of her children.

The worst thing for ALL of them would be for the eldest to be 'sent away' for his disability.

Far better they manage his needs so that he can stay at home, which is what the parents who actually have experience of high needs autistic children are suggesting as a first choice.

It is not ableist to consider the feelings of an abused child and it's absolutely disgusting to insinuate that it is. Us victims of sibling on sibling violence have suffered enough without people trying to dismiss our lived experiences for their own agenda.

No but your ablism hasn't. Walk a day in OPs shoes and come back.

She's trying to protect all of her children. As any good mother would.

We don't tend to sent disabled children away these days.

Kelshey this isn't about diminishing the siblings. The mother knows they need protecting, of course, they do.

It's about trying to keep families together. This child is 8 years old and is disabled. He's not evil , he needs support.

Agreed but your language of "abandoning" the 8 year old is emotive and perhaps deliberately provocative, placing a child with additional needs in an environment that best suits their needs is not 'abandoning' by any stretch of the imagination.

thanks for this post.

I agree. Sometimes a child is best placed in a residential setting if they can't be kept safe or keep others safe in the home environment. I just don't think this is Ops situation. The 8 year old is grieving a recent sibling loss and she is trying everything to work things out to suit all of the children. To place him in a residential setting before working out if there are things that can be done at home seems like abandonment to me, and certainly will do to the struggling child.

Your appeals to emotion do not in any way change my opinion that the need of siblings to be safe in their home is greater than the need of the disabled child to remain in it.

There are posters on this thread that have made the decision to place their children into care for this very reason.

Respectfully you haven't walked a mile in either OPs, mine or their shoes. Placing a disabled child in care has to be a last resort, especially when that child is in a trauma state. It is not about their need being greater or lesser than the siblings. Everyone needs to be kept safe. It's a balance of needs.

Abandoning a traumatised disabled child where it is not a last resort is evil. The child will be wrecked and any normal neuro responses will be destroyed. He is 8 years old. He is traumatised through grief through losing a sibling and through being autistic he can't process it and you would banish him from his family because he can't cope. Absolutely disgusting. Shame on you.

And not one of those posters has done that where it hasn't been a last resort. I would bet my life on it.

This is an autistic 8 year old traumatised and acting out because he lost a sibling. He can't manage his emotions because he's disabled and YOU BLAME HIM.

It is about needs being greater or lesser. If he continues to pose a risk to his siblings he should absolutely be removed from the family home until the time where he is no longer a threat to them. They too have lost a sibling, and on top of that they are on the receiving end of a sibling’s violence towards them.

Pointlessly bleating on trying to shame me is not going to change my opinion.

With the right measures in place he wont pose a risk to his siblings. How do I know? Because I've been a parent in similar circumstances.

A parent's duty is to keep ALL of our children safe. Not just the able bodied and minded ones.

I am in favor of protecting his siblings from him as I recognize the harm he has caused them, and the risk of further harm. He does not need to intend to cause this harm in order for his siblings to be protected from it. If you want consider that ‘blaming him’, then go the fuck ahead I guess.

The right measure may very well end up being the removal of him from the family home. You have no idea whether he will respond to other efforts, any more than I do.

Once again, I do believe that removing him from the family home, now or if he continues to lash out as he has been, is in no way unreasonable. I do not believe that keeping them all under the same roof is the most important consideration. I also don’t believe that the victims of sibling abuse should be shut down or shut up when speaking about the impact it has had on them, no matter how uncomfortable it may make you.

Of course you are. You have a thing about disabled 8 year olds not having the best chances in life.

She is a fantastic mother, she is doing everything she can to keep all of her children safe.

Thank goodness you never have to parent a child with disabilities.

All of the children and family are better off if HIS needs are met. I've been this mum. My disabled son is now a fully functioning and kind an non violent adult because I didn't fail him. Our whole family, including his siblings who are able, with therapy to understand what was going on are ALSO glad we didn't abandon him.

I have a thing about protecting children from abuse, yes. Whether the perpetrator is disabled or not is irrelevant, the harm caused is not lessened because the sibling couldn’t help it.

You and your children can feel however you want to (would you even be willing to hear if they weren’t glad?). There are posters on here that feel very differently, and their opinions and feelings are no less valid than yours.

I have literally no time for you.

You are ableist.

Of course the other children have to be considered. Thank goodness the OP does that. Thank goodness other families with disabled children also consider that.

The posters who would abandon a disabled 8 year old child before TRYING EVERYTHING ELSE disgust me.

The PERP FFS.

No disrespect but you really are derailing this thread. I realize you had a similar situation but no one here can say exactly what should be done. I wish you well because this seems to have triggered you.

You are right it has triggered me. Because at the heart of this is a traumatised 8 year old boy who has lost a sibling. Who is disabled and who can't cope with the normal demands of life.

People are calling him a PERP and would have him institutionalised.

When there are therapies that could help him lead a normal life.

Why does this bother me?

Because this was my child when he was 10.

He is now , at 18 the kindest, most engaging young man. He's at a top 10 university living away from home. We were told by people like the posters on here that there was no hope, thank goodness we didn't listen.

I don't think it is a derail either. The OP left because people were being so abusive about her child. I'm sticking up for OP.

Oh, you’ve definitely had time for me. Not time I asked you for, mind, given that at no point have you been required to engage with me.

Yes, perpetrator. Someone who has committed harmful acts . Which he has.

Call me what you want. I don’t care.

8 year old disabled child. Lost a sibling. Rather than giving him support to recover and manage his trauma you'd have him institutionalised.

Thank god trauma informed care doesn't follow Interlgnis methods.

Yes he has done harmful things but he's not to blame. Not the perp.

Look at the stats on what happens when you institutionalise YP when their trauma could be dealt with?

Gonna deal with that issue Intergnis?

Do you think criminalising a traumatised disabled YP has the best outcomes? Care to explain why with evidence based reasoning?

He has done harmful acts - he has perpetrated harmful acts. I have at no point said he is to blame.

I believe institutionalization would be justified to prevent further harm being done to his siblings, yes.

Still got the time, huh?

Who said anything about criminalizing? I have been very clear about what I believe. I don’t know why you keep asking me to repeat it in different ways. My concern is primarily for the ones being harmed by him. I do not believe the safety of his siblings is something to sacrifice on the alter of what is best for him.