To voluntarily put my child into care

[Crumplesock]

We are at the point now where we think we may need to either put our eldest into the care system or seperate and live in 2 seperate homes to keep our children apart for fear that the eldest will seriously harm the younger two children. However, I'm not sure how we will actually finance two seperate homes (even 2 x 1bedroom flats).

Our son is autistic with a PDA profile. We are low demand parenting, and he does not attend school after being excluded and we are following his lead in Home Education. We followed the At Peace Parenting Course (which is amazing and so insightful, if not a little crazy on price!) but she told us we need to radically accept that this is our son's disability, this is part of it and we need to accommodate it. She shared how her family had to live sperately for a while. We are being advised by all the professionals that we are doing all we can for our son's needs and are accommodating and parenting him in line with his disabilities. But I just feel so broken at it.

As our son is getting bigger, his level of aggression is increasing and becoming harder to manage. We attempt to keep the children separated at all times but this is hard when there is only 1 parent at home and all 3 do need to be watched constantly.

Our other two children, and us parents too, are receiving multiple injuries daily.

Our son has taken to doing home workouts, which is absolutely brilliant and I want to encourage a healthy lifestyle but his strength is crazy. I've witnessed him do 20+ pull ups, he can now lift 1.5× his bodyweight in a Deadlift. I spoke to him about this passion of his and he said its so he can always make sure he is the strongest and to make people scared of him.

I know deep down there's a scared boy in there, whose doing this as a reaction to school trauma and being pushed around by school bullies (he had it quite bad). But it also terrifies me at how he is stronger than me and it won't be long before he levels with my husband.

I have spoke to Social Sevices today who has said they'll get a support package and stated that this is Child-on-parent (and sibling) abuse and that they do need to safe guard our other children

Your priority needs to be speaking to a psychiatrist and getting medication to reduce his anxiety and behaviours. It may take time to get medication and dosage correct.

Speaking as one of the victims of violence, I'd suggest the most judgemental comments on this thread come from people with zero lived experience, who come onto AIBU to make ideological points about child discipline, without any understanding of disability.

I do feel like a lot of the comments are now going rather extreme with a lot not reading my posts fully or going off on debates between themselves.

I want to thank everyone whose contributed to this discussion. It has been insightful and useful and I feel like we have some strategies in place.

I shall not be posting again.

@Crumplesock
It's sad that you are deciding to end the discussion because of people deeply affected by similar violence have started to tell you how atrociously it had affected them.

OP, I think you are in an extremely difficult place that no one in the world wants to be in. Be kind to yourself. This is a difficult decision. I’m glad to see that you have started the process of getting help for your eldest. I hope they act in a reasonable time frame.

Good luck. I hope you begin to get some of the support you need

If you ever want to start another support thread then please do consider doing it in the SEN section where people will have an understanding of what you are going through.

What exactly could the op do that would keep you happy at this point? Put her 8 year old in a shed?

There is no support. When the slow wheels of funding grind through, maybe after months or years of stress in trying to secure it, they will get funding for the £££££ that a specialist residential placement costs.

You have no idea what people have lived through.
My sympathy is for child victims, who are powerless to escape.
Excuses butter no parsnips.

Does your sympathy extend to disabled children, or just to those for whom their disability is inconvenient?

The answer is to meet the child’s needs. If that happens, the whole family will be helped. Not to stick the child in a likely abusive care system in a misguided attempt to protect others.

Does your sympathy extend to disabled children, or just to those for whom their disability is inconvenient?

Inconvenient?? You have NO idea!

Sorry for hijacking but to anyone who has suffered sibling-on-sibling violence who has felt triggered by some of the comments on this thread I have set up a support thread. I hope to see some of you there.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/5210364-support-thread-for-adult-survivors-of-sibling-on-sibling-violence

OP you are one of the few people on this thread who has not been dismissive of our experiences and you seem to genuinely care about ALL of your children and for that I commend you. I hand on heart wish you and your children nothing but the best, I know how my own mother struggled and it was (and at times continues to be) heartbreaking as she navigates the demands of a child who struggles to regulate themselves. I hope you get the help and support that your family needs and that things will improve for you and your family. 💐

That's not why she's decided not to comment further.

There is abundant evidence, as with the OP, that meeting a child's needs does not always end violence.
There is also the issue to contend with of expecting survivors to continue living with the perpetrator even if the behaviour improves.

It's of course disingenuous to suggest that all children with challenging and violent behaviours can be managed at home.
Protecting others is never misguided. The OP is clearly trying her best here to find the best path forwards but whether or not it applies to them, there will be situations where care placements are the right answer.

No the answer is to meet all children’s needs. Not just one. At the moment that requires them living separately but it sounds like the OP is making some good progress so hopefully things will improve.

I'm so sorry, you have so much to deal with.

I know you've said no to school education and that no school could meet his needs. I work in an SEN school and we have had quite a few children that have similar disabilities and needs. Yes they can be very challenging but the school is funded to put the right support in place. The classes are a maximum of 8 with 4 TAs plus a teacher. Some children also have 1:1 support. I'm sorry if you have already explored specialist settings, I just wondered if a new school with the right support could help.

Poor OP, AIBU is a cesspit sometimes.

I have every idea.

The tragedy is that everyone in this situation is a victim of inadequate support. Everyone in this situation deserves safety, compassion and help. Stigmatising and blaming a disabled and traumatised 8 year old helps no-one.

Another poster run off her own thread by abusive shite. Congratulations everyone. One of the most aggressive and judgemental threads l’ve seen here for a long time.

You should be ashamed of this comment. This is not the reason OP is not commenting further. A glance back through one of the nastiest, most vitriolic threads l’ve seen on MN should tell you the real reason.

This.

Strange comment. Staff are taught interventions to keep everyone safe and meet safeguarding expectations.

It may require them living separately for a time, but not putting the disabled child in care!!

Strange and naive comment. You really think residential care staff are perfect and that no abuse happens in residential settings?

You have no idea what my experiences are. But I won’t be joining your ableist, poisonous thread.

We have a child in a specialist residential school for these reasons. Feel free to pm me.