To voluntarily put my child into care

[Crumplesock]

We are at the point now where we think we may need to either put our eldest into the care system or seperate and live in 2 seperate homes to keep our children apart for fear that the eldest will seriously harm the younger two children. However, I'm not sure how we will actually finance two seperate homes (even 2 x 1bedroom flats).

Our son is autistic with a PDA profile. We are low demand parenting, and he does not attend school after being excluded and we are following his lead in Home Education. We followed the At Peace Parenting Course (which is amazing and so insightful, if not a little crazy on price!) but she told us we need to radically accept that this is our son's disability, this is part of it and we need to accommodate it. She shared how her family had to live sperately for a while. We are being advised by all the professionals that we are doing all we can for our son's needs and are accommodating and parenting him in line with his disabilities. But I just feel so broken at it.

As our son is getting bigger, his level of aggression is increasing and becoming harder to manage. We attempt to keep the children separated at all times but this is hard when there is only 1 parent at home and all 3 do need to be watched constantly.

Our other two children, and us parents too, are receiving multiple injuries daily.

Our son has taken to doing home workouts, which is absolutely brilliant and I want to encourage a healthy lifestyle but his strength is crazy. I've witnessed him do 20+ pull ups, he can now lift 1.5× his bodyweight in a Deadlift. I spoke to him about this passion of his and he said its so he can always make sure he is the strongest and to make people scared of him.

I know deep down there's a scared boy in there, whose doing this as a reaction to school trauma and being pushed around by school bullies (he had it quite bad). But it also terrifies me at how he is stronger than me and it won't be long before he levels with my husband.

I have spoke to Social Sevices today who has said they'll get a support package and stated that this is Child-on-parent (and sibling) abuse and that they do need to safe guard our other children

Hello I have a child with a very similar profile (asc and pda). I have tried the at peace parenting etc and it's very helpful. What actually really helped me was coming at the behaviour from a trauma point of view. Dan Hughes PACE model, Sarah Naish etc. If you want to talk my pm is open to you.

Great news! DLA is a good shout if you don't already get it it would be worth applying. You would definitely be eligible and it could cover some of these costs

This is exactly what we have been doing @Pacmangarlic , done quite a few courses and also understand that often the trauma based approach is compatible for PDAers

That's great you sounds like you are doing so much for him and for all of your family. Have you read much about compassion fatigue/blocked care? Things can get better. Unfortunately no one is going to swoop in and help here ( from experience and its not fair or right) . Can you bring in any other adult who understands and can take some of the stress off of you so you can be regulated and feel more in control? The only way i managed to claw my son back from the extreme violence we were experiencing was to change the way we were responding and in fact change our whole lives so my son felt safe. There was truly no other option in which we could all feel safe and move through trauma. My worry about putting him into care or residual boarding is that he will become even more traumatised and although amazing at their jobs in these settings, a separation from his primary care givers is going to cause huge life long issues.he is still young enough that this can get better. It's not easy. And its not fair that it is on you. Sending love and hope to you

It might bé worth looking at the PDA website for mention of places that would bé suitable. DC was hospitalised for pathological levels of anxiety at 11 and spent some time in respite care. We tried to get a diagnosis but failed as PDA was unknown here - in France. DC is now 26 working and doing well.

Fantastic!!! I’m so proud of you!

I wonder if all the experts in the area understand your classification of the term in the academic arena is really triggering for anyone actually living (or in my case, lived) this situation instead of reading scientific literature all their lives.

From the point of view of a person receiving the abuse (the other small children), it is really awful that it is not even called abuse.

You are basically playing around something very simple. You are a child receiving punches, verbal abuse and you live in fear. You are a child and its your home. You can't choose to leave the situation. It doesn't matter if the child perpretating the abuse is x label or y label, has z condition or whatever. Thats absolutely irrelevant for any child receiving the abuse. Just imagine you are that child receiving the abuse instead of you, who goes home to a lovely safe environment. Then think again about the classification of the term.

Would you said with domestic violence a woman receiving this treatment would be told that what she is getting is not abuse because the perpetrator has (insert academic text from you) therfore is not clasified as abuse beacuse x or y label. How would she feel if she even can call the situation abuse?

@Namechangefornowonly

Completely agree 👏🏼

It doesn't hurt any the less, though, to the victims of the violence, just because a ''softer'' description is used.
When one is hiding under a bed, or squished into a tiny space, breathing in dust, to escape an abuser as a child, one doesn't think ''oh this behaviour is challenging'' - it feels abusive.

Children who went to school with Patrick Mackay {when he was a child} said they felt ''Terrorised''.

Too many excuses are made for the violent child, and the child's victims are collateral damage.

They too suffer.

I know they are suffering too, that's why I'm here in this difficult position.

Very well explained.

OP I know and I just wanted to talk in your kids behalf. You are doing already way more than my mother ever did.
Please keep the kids safe all the time. x

Completely agree.

When does using soft fluffy descriptors and sympathy for the ''Challenging'' child morph into calling it what it is, Abusive violence?

When a 17 yr old is beating his pregnant girlfriend?
When an 18 yr old has tried to murder his mother?.

OP, While I understand your reasoning, I can't help but think of those children in the care homes who then have to deal with your son as you protect your other children. They already have to deal with a lot but have no one to look out for their safety and wellbeing as yet another difficult/violent child is thrust among them to defend themselves from. It's a horrible situation any way you look at it. Just urge you to think of other people's kids too while you're considering yours.

Running two homes should be the best option as you should be taking care of your child, not washing your hands off him for other adults and other children to deal with but I also understand it may not be financially possible.

I suspect care in this case wouldn't be what you're thinking of - a foster family etc. Given what you're reporting it would be a secure school or something. How old is he?
You need to document every incident and keep in constant contact with SS

The care places are more like residential schools and care facilities that are specially set up for children like my son @Nowordsformethanks , the ones we have been seeking we would need to name in his EHCP so that's what we are aiming for now but of course that takes months.

Would be much quicker than trying to sell our house and find two affordable 1 bedroom apartments though

More child blaming from people who don't understand a traumatised autistic 8 year old is behaving in this way a) for desperation and b) because they lack the developmental capacity to respond more adaptively.

The phrase, 'Too many excuses are made for the violent child', says it all. This is about keyboard warrior's judgement and blame of vulnerable children who need our compassion and support, as do their parents and siblings, to find solutions that keep everyone safe and support development.

Blaming disabled, vulnerable and distressed 8 year olds is not helping
anyone.

Ok that's fair enough. Thanks for the reply.

The Home Office framework on domestic violence applies from age 16, although the question of capacity also comes into play.

@Crumplesock you have done an amazing thing for your family by recognising the situation and seeking help. You and DH have done what you needed to do to keep your little ones safe. Your family have already been through the worst imaginable scenario losing a child. I am so sorry.
I pray that you get the help you need now - Keep the pressure on. It’s horrific that you have to be at breaking point to get any MH help esp if you have autism.
To all the siblings on this tread who have been traumatised by a violent brother or sister during childhood, please consider counselling . You probably have PTSD and cannot move on. We were recommended to read the book - The body keeps the score. My heart aches for each and every one of you - there is no defence for what happened to you as children. Please bear in mind that everything has changed in the last 15 years and so much more is known now about neurodivergence than even 5 years ago. Parents in a similar situation to OP back then wouldn’t have had any support unless their child was disruptive or violent outside of the home It is not fair what happened within your families and it is not right that you continue to suffer now. I really hope you can find somebody to talk to because it is possible to treat PTSD. Apologies if you already know all of this and have sought help. I just thought it was worth mentioning for anyone who may not know.

What about the victims of the violence- has it not occurred to you that the ''keyboard warriors'' as you term them have suffered at the hands and actions of children like this?

Look at the Previous posters.

Again, ZERO thought is given to the child victims of the violent child.

When one is being attacked, one doesn't care that the perp suffered from an alphabet of acronyms, all one knows is that they are terrified, and there is no escape when the perp lives in their house.

I am giving them a lot of my thought, that is why I'm reaching out and considering Care...

@Kalalily Will take a look at the book ''The body keeps the score''

Thank you for this suggestion.

www.amazon.co.uk/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748

@Crumplesock
OP you really need to read and really understand this.
You are literally destroying your two other children by keeping them in the same place as your eldest.

No shit.