Pregnant with twin, husband wants an abortion but I don't

[Whatslifefor]

I have 3 kids from previous relationship, husband has 2 (who don't live with us). We decided we don't want to have more kids, but now I am pregnant I am not sure I want to go through with termination (the last one left me feeling traumatised and guilty). My options at the moment:

1- terminate the pregnancy and resent my husband for it (especially since it's a twin pregnancy)

2- continue with the pregnancy and my husband will resent me for it, or worse leave me and I end up a single mum to 5 kids

So currently, the way I see it, both my options suck for one of us (obviously as a woman I am in more of a disadvantage). Any one was in a similar situation and their marriage survived either decision?

How many people can support 5 kids on their own though? I imagine she'd be reliant to some extent on child maintenance and support from him. So his existing kids are very relevant. You can't just ignore their existence because it doesn't suit.

Well, I didn't, but thanks anyway (!)

You could carry the twins to term and have them adopted. Tricky to explain to family and friends and incredibly hard to do but it is an option albeit not one I ever see considered on MN in crisis pregnancies.

If you do terminate you should have your tubes tied [and spend a few weeks elsewhere recovering solo leaving him to parent] if you don't want more children. As it appears your d*ck of a husband has no intention of taking any responsibility for this situation.

So many ignorant, judgmental people on here!!!

1. OP presumably did a test when she was late and booked a scan. Scan revealed 2 sacks and 2 heartbeats. Boom, twins.

1. OP has 3 kids to her previous relationship. Husband has 2 to a previous relationship. Having the twins will mean she has total 5 biological children, not 7.

1. She got pregnant because her husband ejaculated inside her. She was relying on him to "do his bit". Either pull out or use a condom, which he did not. Sometimes men use tricks and deception to ejaculate in a way they want to and give zero fucks about the consequences.

OP I am so sorry for your awful choices.

Whether you keep the pregnancy or not is only a choice you can make.

What I do recommend is that you dump this misogynistic, vile man out of your life. How can the man who is supposed to love you, put you in this situation and put all the trauma on to you?

Well if neither of them wanted more kids & neither are using contraception I can't see that either one is more "to blame" than the other tbh.

This has already happened once so chances were it would happen gain!

There doesn't seem to be an outcome that suits everyone so Op has to do the best thing for her.

Yes it will be hard for her my concern is having the abortion to appease him /keep him and continue getting pregnant and or he leaves her anyway

Hence why I keep saying she needs to think of herself and stop being bothered by him.
Men are not the be all and end all of life.

I'd rather she chose to abort and leave him than continue in this situation because ultimately he is controlling which is abuse. It's no different from some marriages where men refuse contraception and continuing impregnating their wife.

She will ultimately do what is best for her as I keep saying and it takes a village so I hope whatever happens she has support of friends and family cos he is not being a supportive husband

Why?

she went to an abortion clinic herself. That’s not on a whim, it’s take phonecalls, a pre appointment, admin, consideration, prep time. Shes clearly NOT anti abortion and she’s clearly pro choice…

a pro choice poster wouldn’t be here to guilt trip people. Stop looking for the worst in people or imagining the worst in people

With respect, what did the 2 of you think would happen?

This.

Why didn't you make sure he wore a condom esp as have had one abortion already.

It takes 2 to tango so. Or just his fault. Or yours. It's both of yours

I think you have to think of your 3 other children

Only you can decide but I think an abortion earlier the better rather then be a single mum to 5 and struggle imo

Are you sure YOU read the post? It couldn't be any clearer that she believes there's a right and wrong choice.

Stop being naive. Stop thinking your interpretation is the only valid one. And stop telling other people what to post.

Indeed - its standard for possible abortion, its standard in many types of infertility treatment, its standard for a range of gynae and family histories. I had vaginal scans within a day or so of a positive test with each pregnancy due to my gynae history.

My DC are all young end millennials, early scanning is even more common now and there is a wider range of tests for twins. Surprised that so many posters seem unfamiliar with this type of scan or test.

OP: I wouldn't stay with any partner who made it a condition of the relationship that I comply with his decision on abortion (whichever direction his mandate was). That goes double for a partner who says they don't want children but also refuses are vasectomy or to reliably use condoms.

You have already had one abortion for this man - how many does he expect you to have before he gets the snip? Or is that your job as the woman in his worldview?

To answer your question, I got pregnant early in my relationship, using a cycle tracking app (when they were all the rage) to avoid pregnancy.

He didn't want a baby but I didn't want an abortion. We discussed it for a couple of weeks and finally came to an agreement to keep the baby. Tragically, I miscarried the baby, that very same day which broke both our hearts.

We are still together, now married and have a 2 year old (planned).

You really are in a dilemma and I feel very sorry for you. I can understand why neither of you want any more children, you already have enough between you, but nobody should be pressurised into having an abortion, especially as you've already had one which made you feel rotten

I think it will be the end for you whatever you decide, frankly. The fact that he won't have a vasectomy says a lot about him. However, whatever happens, I would advise you to be sterilised, op. It's a simple procedure nowadays and recovery is quick, I've known a few women who have ha it.

Do you want to bring two innocent babies into the world with a father who may resent them and their mother? Can you stay with a man who urges an abortion and won't take responsibility for preventing another pregnancy?

I don't know what I would do, can only surmise. I would probably abort, be sterilised (at the same time if possible), and ditch the man. Then I would be like many other women, a single parent of lovely children, and I would cope somehow. I wouldn't live with another man, at least not until my children had flown the nest, but would probably like a decent boyfriend who maintained his own home. However, we'll never know about that, and it's you we must concentrate on.

How long do you have before you need to make a decision, op? The fact that you know you are expecting twins indicates you are not just a few weeks' pregnant.

Good look.

I wouldn’t dare tell other people what to post ( like you)

you seem very angry. I’m simply and calmly posting here and you are getting very aggressive and shouty. I get that you are passionate but your attitude is misplaced. I’m not here to have a fight with a stranger on the internet and won’t be replying to you again

Wind them up and watch them go ….

Apologies, I know that’s not allowed but people are getting wound up and OP hasn’t been back since page 1. I mean …

WELL BLOODY SAID 👏👏👏👏👏👏

Just confused as to how you know it’s twins at 6weeks? First scan is not until around 12 weeks surely?

Do you want these babies though? I mean, you terminated your last pregnancy so why would this one be different when it involves 2 babies, not one. You need to think about whether you want these babies as opposed to just not wanting to go through another abortion.
If you weren't on the pill or had a contraceptive device, why did you sleep with him without using anything? Why didn't he use a condom? Honestly, this level of lack of planning is surprisingly when you've already had one abortion and you are both already parents. How would you even raise 2 babies when you both seem incapable of sitting down to discuss birth control?

Angry, aggressive, and shouty? Your interpretation of posts is really off! 😁

Nobody needs five children and of course people have to check whether they can afford to feed five mouths. Do we really want a system where the state just pays for it (I mean it already does) and she should be congratulated for not using contraception and bringing yet another two lives that she can’t afford to support into the world? Why? At least in Jane Austen days women didn’t have access to contraception.

Yeah it’s pretty grim that people are taking a different view just because it’s twins and it’s a novelty.

It's always twins, isn't it.

So it’s really rare to have babies and then put them up for adoption unless there is an addiction or neglect element to the situation and the adoption is forced.

i recently had abortion counselling and my counsellor said that in 30+ years of full time counselling she had not had a single person choose adoption in their unplanned pregnancy situation. Most people see it as more painful and traumatic than abortion.

she also said that social services wouldn’t really take you seriously if it wasn’t an addiction/ neglect scenario and you were already good parents to your current kids as they know the best people to raise the baby would be their own family. Instead they would probably just give you additional support to keep the baby

How does he justify this?