Pregnant with twin, husband wants an abortion but I don't

[Whatslifefor]

I have 3 kids from previous relationship, husband has 2 (who don't live with us). We decided we don't want to have more kids, but now I am pregnant I am not sure I want to go through with termination (the last one left me feeling traumatised and guilty). My options at the moment:

1- terminate the pregnancy and resent my husband for it (especially since it's a twin pregnancy)

2- continue with the pregnancy and my husband will resent me for it, or worse leave me and I end up a single mum to 5 kids

So currently, the way I see it, both my options suck for one of us (obviously as a woman I am in more of a disadvantage). Any one was in a similar situation and their marriage survived either decision?

What an awful dilemma OP.

I was in your position with DD3. My ExH didn't want another child. He literally said to me that 'it's me or the baby'. So I went to the doctor and had an appointment booked at the clinic.

In the end I couldn't go through with it. My ExH's mother assured me that he would come around eventually. He didn't. While I was pregnant he had two affairs and left for the OW when DD3 was 14wks old.

I don't regret my decision at all. My DD is a wonderful girl and although being a single mum was a struggle at first in some ways it was easier parenting without him.

agreed

Why doesn’t he use a condom? Does he care about your health at all?

PS to my previous post. I have just re-read your posts and note that you are atm only six weeks pregnant, I missed that first time around.

I cannot add anything to what I said before, it still stands and I wish you good luck whatever you decide.

If he didn't want you to be pregnant and also didn't want to use the male contraception options, such as the simple expedient of using a condom, he should have kept it in his trousers.

He doesn't get a say. Do what suits you and, crucially, your existing kids.

Well if you stay in the relationship he needs to get the snip, or you do. I don't think I could get over his refusal to get the snip, but being happy with multiple abortions. Its your call, but if you have an abortion you don't want then that comes with a mental health price as well.

Oh dear lord, he doesnt want a baby, and you cant take regular birth control, but he wont have a vasectomy! What an absolute twat. It should be the end of your relationship. He is a horrible person who cares nothing for you and the trauma to you. Quite what you do with regards to your pregnancy I don't know, I suggest if you can, therapy as it is early that may help you decide. He sounds like he wont be an active parent if you do go ahead, so consider that. But really, and I rarely say this, dump the bastard.

Thank you, a poster who understands. Yes, I am pro choice. I don't want to guilt trip anyone. I had thought very much about a termination, then I spent weeks deliberating booking the abortion clinic appointment. I was so close to doing what some say is "the right thing" then I couldn't.

Not many people can support it agreed
I'm concerned about her mental health she already stated the previous abortion was of deep regret.

Obviously not ideal to live off benefits however mental health and regret can seriously cause issues.

We live in a developed country where u can access services that's what they're there for. Yes if she continues it will be extremely hard but what is done is done!

She does not need berating in the comments having a husband like him is surely enough to deal with!

If you couldn’t handle an abortion, have you thought about putting the twins up for adoption? There are people out there who would really love to have a child, but cannot due to infertility. This may be more difficult than the abortion, but that is for you to decide. I also would insist your partner gets the snip or wears a condom. He cannot insist you get an abortion every time you have a pregnancy.

I'm concerned about the existing children. Nobody should be having 5 kids and living off benefits it will be shit for all of them. We live in a developed country with access to birth control and abortion.
Blind support and telling people what they want to hear isn't always helpful.

You answered your own question already, OP.

“husband wants an abortion but I don't”

It's not blond support and telling people what they want to hear thank you
It is my opinion which I'm fully entitled to have.
I'm fully aware of the implications that can occur on large families in low income situations due to my line of work.

You keep going on about contraception and it's clearly gone past that point.

The discussion is about her options

So berating her situation and disliking my option is your issue !

I wish her well truly do but life isn't a fairy tale and it's her decision to make with or without him

It wouldn't be a situation I would find myself in personally but I'm trying to see things in terms of her mental health. Yes it's not fair on the existing children or family dynamics for money but we are here now so what.. do you have a time machine to help her??
Obviously not so going on and on about contraception and a possible double abortion that could seriously impact her mental health whilst continuing in a marriage with an idiot of a husband isn't ideal either !

Problem solve.. don't add to the problem and berate her

You couldn’t pay me to be sleep deprived with 5 kids. No government in the world could pay me to get pregnant. No sane woman is having babies for the benefits. In my view if you’re willing to make those sacrifices as a mother you deserve respect, support & society rallying around you.

Nobody intentionally forgets contraception it’s just human nature. We shouldn’t punish people with the moral dilemma of abortion vs poverty because they forgot to take a pill.

Yes, if you’re willing to do that you deserve support, an element of financial security and an actual choice. Abortion isn’t a choice when your alternative is poverty & a mental breakdown from living in a society that doesn’t value women, child rearing or motherhood. It’s a huge contribution to society, especially an ageing one.

It's OK for him not to want any more children.

It's not OK for him to have sex with you and get you pregnant and then say he doesn't want anymore children.

What did he expect???

He's stupid or negligent or selfish or all three of them.

What an idiot he is. He only has himself to blame. But also you must have known it could happen again? Didn't you try harder?

If you abort now - it will happen again, right? Either you stop sleeping together or you find alternative birth control.

I personally wouldn't be able to raise 5 children. My mental health would take such a nose dive I would go under and I'd end up raising 5 children badly when my limit is 2. I particularly couldn't do it, if I was single parent, I need help. I would know I would never be free of poverty and always living on the edge. I could not do that to myself or my existing children. They matter too much.

If you think you can handle it OP, then you know the answer. Wish you all the best.

Except that's exactly what it is. She will be living in poverty more than likely.

The government ships in immigrants to solve our population crisis. Haven't you noticed? UK births have fallen to all time lows.

The government isn't interested in supporting the nation's women to have children. They found an easier route to pay the future pensions - immigrants on small boats.

What crack are you actually smoking??

Government shipping in migrants and low birth rates?? Seriously sounding like some racist trash! Are you applying this logic to those fleeing the Ukraine in recent years or is this train of thought pre disposed for those of Black or Asian backgrounds I wonder?

There are many reasons why the birth rate is low in this country and if you had any idea you may realise it is low across many countries globally!

The economy is rubbish for a start and childcare maternity leave is awful here let alone the quality of decent men!

So please get your facts right there's no place for such stupid comments

Honestly this is disgusting

I think any man who is OK with his wife having to undergo as many abortions as might be needed because he doesn't want a vasectomy or won't wear a condom is a 24 carat fucker. Do whatever you want re the pregnancy but chuck him in the sewer where he belongs.

There's no such thing as a double abortion. Don't make up emotive names for things that don't exist.

How do you know it’s twins at 6weeks? Did you have ultrasound already?

Two babies...
Two lives...
Two heart beats is Two abortions
Same as if u lost one life but another remained in my opinion
But I guess if that is all you have to say from what I wrote back to you logical thinking isn't your thing clearly...

It is still only one abortion. One abortion of two clusters of cells.

I've got 5 kids. My DH tried to pressure me into aborting the last one. Like your DH he wouldn't have a vasectomy.
I had the baby, she's 25 now. And gorgeous.
I'm still with DH ,we've been together since I was 18 and I'm now 66.

As a mother of twins I found it really hard and there was a big impact on my existing children. The cost of childcare far exceeded my take home and preemi twins had health care issues and I was exceptionally sleep deprived. I’ve never quite made it back financially speaking. It’s been ten years and I earn 85% of my old salary so probably half after adjustment for inflation.

I think you need to be practical and consider whether you can afford five children. Also remember there are benefit limits so you may not get additional monies for them.

complete rubbish. an abortion is a medical procedure, not something you can magically multiply to emotionally manipulate a stranger who is already in a shitty situation.

her body, her choice.