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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Pregnant with twin, husband wants an abortion but I don't

502 replies

Whatslifefor · 14/11/2024 12:29

I have 3 kids from previous relationship, husband has 2 (who don't live with us). We decided we don't want to have more kids, but now I am pregnant I am not sure I want to go through with termination (the last one left me feeling traumatised and guilty). My options at the moment:

1- terminate the pregnancy and resent my husband for it (especially since it's a twin pregnancy)

2- continue with the pregnancy and my husband will resent me for it, or worse leave me and I end up a single mum to 5 kids

So currently, the way I see it, both my options suck for one of us (obviously as a woman I am in more of a disadvantage). Any one was in a similar situation and their marriage survived either decision?

OP posts:
redskydarknight · 15/11/2024 11:59

Gonegirl7 · 15/11/2024 11:51

You might find them baffling as an bystander.

If you’ve ever had an unplanned pregnancy and had to decide about a termination it is VERY different to giving advice from the sidelines.
hormones are very very powerful things, it’s human nature for bodies to want to reproduce. We are animals after all.

Its easy for you to see the logical sensible option, you don’t have these twins in your tummy.

ive been in both scenarios, ive had an unplanned pregnancy and terminated. I’ve had an unplanned pregnancy and kept the baby. I feel I am able to see this situation a lot more compassionately than people giving the ‘what I would do but have never actually done myself’ advice

Hormones are not OP's friend here.

Of course it's dififcult, but OP needs to be the adult (because her existing children and unborn children don't have a choice) and make a thought out decision, not one based on hormones or feelings.

I'm always amazed on MN threads how many people say "you'll find a way to manage". Well, yes, you probably will find a way to "manage" but most people want more for their families than "managing".

GreyCarpet · 15/11/2024 11:59

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/11/2024 11:52

Also notice how none of those who are telling OP that she’ll ‘manage’ appear to have twins.

In fact, those with twins all seem to be saying the opposite.

Yes, I missed that bit!

My dad and his wife had twins. It was relentless. And they had no other children to consider.

jacks11 · 15/11/2024 12:00

Ultimately, nobody can tell you whether you should or should not have a termination. I think you should seek some specialised counselling either way. I think your marriage is most likely over, possibly for the best for both you, so you need to look at the future with that in mind.

Honestly, with regards to what you should do- I think you need to take a long, hard look at the reality of your situation and be very honest with yourself. I totally understand that, in a perfect world, you would want to continue with this pregnancy. However, you aren’t in a perfect situation, and you have to consider that being a responsible adult and parent is not always about doing what you’d ideally like to do; sometimes we do have to live with deep regrets because the alternative is worse. I think you need to carefully consider the well-being of the children you already have before anything else.

What will the impact of them be if you continue this pregnancy? Can you adequately house and financially provide for 5 children (or 7, in the unlikely event should your relationship with your husband survive this)? Are you sure that you can adequately support all 5 children practically and emotionally adequately? Do you have support- you’ll need it for you all to thrive? Do you think your husband would be supportive even if your relationship ended (sounds unlikely)- if not, do you have a plan for how to cope? If the answer is honestly yes (not “ I have no idea, I hope so”) to all of these, then do whatever it is that makes you happiest. If the answer is “no” to any of those questions, then I think you need to give serious consideration to having a termination, however much you’d rather not, for the sake of the children you already have brought into the world because as a parent you have a duty to consider their needs as well as your own.

However, I slightly disagree with those totally blaming op’s DH for this situation. I think they are both as bad as each other when it comes to the utter irresponsibility of their actions resulting in an unwanted pregnancy. Given this, I have no idea why he is solely getting the blame for it as despite BOTH agreeing that they did not want more children NEITHER party has done a thing to prevent it happening. In that situation it is not the sole responsibility of either party as they are both having unprotected sex- presumably consensually as op does not mention coercion or deception- and they are both well
aware of potential consequences of that because OP has already had a termination.

Inevitably, given the reality of biology, OP bears the physical (and emotional) brunt of the pickle they find themselves in- whatever route forward she chooses- which is very uneven in terms of impact of the consequences of their actions on each partner- but that is the nature of pregnancy and something they were both totally aware of. Yet she still didn’t do anything to prevent a further “unplanned” pregnancy.

OP is not some innocent bystander in all this, she is not someone without agency or the ability to make choices. If her husband would not wear a condom or have a vasectomy, and she is genuinely unable to use any form of contraception, she could have sought sterilisation (am aware not straightforward/risk free, or always easily accessible), refused to have penetrative intercourse, or ended the relationship.

Yes, I agree his attitude is equally as bad- he said he did not want a child yet did nothing to prevent it. He is an irresponsible idiot, but no worse than OP. I do understand not every man wants a vasectomy, but that being the case he should have been using condoms every single time or abstaining from penetrative intercourse. He didn’t, which was utterly irresponsible, and now he’ll have a live with the consequences (financially, if nothing else )if OP chooses to go ahead with the pregnancy. No sympathy for him at all. But let’s not make out that OP is some sort of victim without any agency or responsibility in this situation.

IdylicDay · 15/11/2024 12:02

vivainsomnia · 15/11/2024 11:46

We decided we don't want to have more kids
OP was clear in her OP that it was a joint decision. It's not a case of her saying she wanted kids so it was his sole responsibility to take precautions?

They were both as responsible and he wasn't any more selfish not to have a vasectomy as OP was for not getting sterilised.

But its HIS SPERM that impregnates her and gets her pregnant. She has taken risks with her body and her life. If he was equally as serious, he would have prevented it happening at its source. His nut sack. Its so much safer and easier for him to do. And he'd no longer have to use condoms! Win win! So he should have done it. Going forward, no matter what the OP chooses (and I think she'd truly regret it if she aborts, so I hope she doesn't) if I were the OP I'd say no more sex until he has the snip. He doesn't do it? The marriage is over. Or its a celibate marriage. Simple as that.

GreyCarpet · 15/11/2024 12:04

jacks11 · 15/11/2024 12:00

Ultimately, nobody can tell you whether you should or should not have a termination. I think you should seek some specialised counselling either way. I think your marriage is most likely over, possibly for the best for both you, so you need to look at the future with that in mind.

Honestly, with regards to what you should do- I think you need to take a long, hard look at the reality of your situation and be very honest with yourself. I totally understand that, in a perfect world, you would want to continue with this pregnancy. However, you aren’t in a perfect situation, and you have to consider that being a responsible adult and parent is not always about doing what you’d ideally like to do; sometimes we do have to live with deep regrets because the alternative is worse. I think you need to carefully consider the well-being of the children you already have before anything else.

What will the impact of them be if you continue this pregnancy? Can you adequately house and financially provide for 5 children (or 7, in the unlikely event should your relationship with your husband survive this)? Are you sure that you can adequately support all 5 children practically and emotionally adequately? Do you have support- you’ll need it for you all to thrive? Do you think your husband would be supportive even if your relationship ended (sounds unlikely)- if not, do you have a plan for how to cope? If the answer is honestly yes (not “ I have no idea, I hope so”) to all of these, then do whatever it is that makes you happiest. If the answer is “no” to any of those questions, then I think you need to give serious consideration to having a termination, however much you’d rather not, for the sake of the children you already have brought into the world because as a parent you have a duty to consider their needs as well as your own.

However, I slightly disagree with those totally blaming op’s DH for this situation. I think they are both as bad as each other when it comes to the utter irresponsibility of their actions resulting in an unwanted pregnancy. Given this, I have no idea why he is solely getting the blame for it as despite BOTH agreeing that they did not want more children NEITHER party has done a thing to prevent it happening. In that situation it is not the sole responsibility of either party as they are both having unprotected sex- presumably consensually as op does not mention coercion or deception- and they are both well
aware of potential consequences of that because OP has already had a termination.

Inevitably, given the reality of biology, OP bears the physical (and emotional) brunt of the pickle they find themselves in- whatever route forward she chooses- which is very uneven in terms of impact of the consequences of their actions on each partner- but that is the nature of pregnancy and something they were both totally aware of. Yet she still didn’t do anything to prevent a further “unplanned” pregnancy.

OP is not some innocent bystander in all this, she is not someone without agency or the ability to make choices. If her husband would not wear a condom or have a vasectomy, and she is genuinely unable to use any form of contraception, she could have sought sterilisation (am aware not straightforward/risk free, or always easily accessible), refused to have penetrative intercourse, or ended the relationship.

Yes, I agree his attitude is equally as bad- he said he did not want a child yet did nothing to prevent it. He is an irresponsible idiot, but no worse than OP. I do understand not every man wants a vasectomy, but that being the case he should have been using condoms every single time or abstaining from penetrative intercourse. He didn’t, which was utterly irresponsible, and now he’ll have a live with the consequences (financially, if nothing else )if OP chooses to go ahead with the pregnancy. No sympathy for him at all. But let’s not make out that OP is some sort of victim without any agency or responsibility in this situation.

Completely agree with all of this.

GreyCarpet · 15/11/2024 12:12

IdylicDay · 15/11/2024 12:02

But its HIS SPERM that impregnates her and gets her pregnant. She has taken risks with her body and her life. If he was equally as serious, he would have prevented it happening at its source. His nut sack. Its so much safer and easier for him to do. And he'd no longer have to use condoms! Win win! So he should have done it. Going forward, no matter what the OP chooses (and I think she'd truly regret it if she aborts, so I hope she doesn't) if I were the OP I'd say no more sex until he has the snip. He doesn't do it? The marriage is over. Or its a celibate marriage. Simple as that.

Edited

I think she'll regret it more if she goes through a costly and lengthy divorce whilst her eldest child is also trying to do his GCSEs and she can't support him because she's also managing two newborns on her own.

And also trying to find a car big enough to transport 5 children and tying to find a house big enough to accommodate 5 children both on a much reduced income.

Her eldest 3 have no contact with/support from their father. Her husband is unlikely to be in a position to financially/emotionally/practically support 7 children adequately. Especially when one of his reasons for kot wanting more is that he doesn't want it to impact on his existing children (at least someone is thinking of the children...)

She could be catapulting them from a comfortable life into absolute poverty where they don't even recognise themselves anymore.

Yes, people deal with that and worse all the time and most do 'manage' but they don't often choose to walk into that situation with their eyes wide open.

How many people who ae telling the OP ro have the babies have any experience of what life is like as a single parent to 5 children?

I can't remember now.if the OP has said what her job is but she'd be unlikely to be able to continue in a high pressured, full time, high paying job with 5 children to raise alone. So money will be tough.

Sometimes pragmatic decisions have to be made.

jacks11 · 15/11/2024 12:14

IdylicDay · 15/11/2024 12:02

But its HIS SPERM that impregnates her and gets her pregnant. She has taken risks with her body and her life. If he was equally as serious, he would have prevented it happening at its source. His nut sack. Its so much safer and easier for him to do. And he'd no longer have to use condoms! Win win! So he should have done it. Going forward, no matter what the OP chooses (and I think she'd truly regret it if she aborts, so I hope she doesn't) if I were the OP I'd say no more sex until he has the snip. He doesn't do it? The marriage is over. Or its a celibate marriage. Simple as that.

Edited

What rubbish- both parties share equal responsibility when it comes to contraception.

Both are required to create a child- by your way of thinking, you could equally say that if she had not ovulated then he could not have impregnated her! It’s nonsense. Both parties have a responsibility when it comes to contraception and if both agree they do not want a pregnancy then they should agree on a form of that. You don’t get to solely blame the other if neither of you bother with contraception and then the inevitable outcome of a pregnancy occurs.

Nobody gets to tell someone else what to do with their body- including forcing a man to have a vasectomy. I agree it is a good option for many men and should be considered. It is straightforward for most but not risk free and if a man decides against it then I think that is fine- as long as he agrees to use barrier protection.

GreyCarpet · 15/11/2024 12:16

And, tbh, I'd rather know that another woman and more childen aren't going to suffer and struggle because of 'hormones'.

There's too much of it on here and I see too much of it in real life.

All the fluffy "but it's babieeees" nonsense is just that. Nonsense.

Babies are human beings who deserve to be fully wanted and loved and appropriately provided for. They deserve to be planned for and their needs considered. Along with their already existing siblings. Not had on a whim because someone got a bit horny around ovulation and both parties just conveniently forgot contraception.

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/11/2024 12:29

Gonegirl7 · 15/11/2024 11:55

I think you’re confusing me with a previous poster saying ‘you’ll manage’

I just meant that a lot of people are speaking from personal experience.

I have twins and it’s difficult enough in a happy marriage and when it was a planned pregnancy with 1 other child at home.

Far too many people without twins see nothing but cuteness, matching clothes and the attention you get when out and about with cute twins.

The reality is very different. Not to mention expensive.

Anotherworrier · 15/11/2024 12:54

redskydarknight · 15/11/2024 11:38

Everyone should consider the impacts on their existing children before choosing to have more.

And yes, being available to support teen children and considering impacts on their exams and future choices is important. If OP is single handedly looking after twin babies, she will not be able to provide her other children with the same level of support that she would be able to do without them. Whether she is able to provide "good enough support" is down to her to decide.

My personal experiences of families where there was a new baby when the older children was teens was that the teens got very much the short end of the stick as they were expected to do more for themselves than might have otherwise been expected and, in some cases, to provide childcare and support for their parent(s). OP needs to think very long and hard about what she wants for her existing children before having more.

It's not about deciding to have an abortion; it's about deciding whether you want to bring 2 extra people into the world that will be entirely reliant on you for some years to come.

It's not about deciding to have an abortion; it's about deciding whether you want to bring 2 extra people into the world that will be entirely reliant on you for some years to come.
pedantics.

I, of course, agree at looking at and considering the effect on your children overall. I don’t think GCSEs as a stand alone reason should be used as way of telling OP having babies are not a good idea.

Fluufer · 15/11/2024 12:57

Anotherworrier · 15/11/2024 12:54

It's not about deciding to have an abortion; it's about deciding whether you want to bring 2 extra people into the world that will be entirely reliant on you for some years to come.
pedantics.

I, of course, agree at looking at and considering the effect on your children overall. I don’t think GCSEs as a stand alone reason should be used as way of telling OP having babies are not a good idea.

It would be A Levels (possibly GCSEs for a younger sib). And why not? A Levels are pretty damn important. Not that anyone has suggested exams should be the only reason anyway.

StormingNorman · 15/11/2024 12:58

pinkyredrose · 15/11/2024 09:24

He chose to not use a condom ffs, he knew pregnancy was a risk.

I didn’t realise OP was raped. I thought she had a choice over whether to have unprotected sex or not.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/11/2024 13:03

Whatslifefor · 15/11/2024 10:21

Thank you all for the input. I think as many have said I will have to prioritise the wellbeing of my 3 kids and go through with the abortion even if I am finding it very hard. It's probably the best for everyone especially if I end up single again. Thanks again!

Edited

Yes it will be hard. But so will bringing up 5 kids. Possibly alone

You are both to blame. You both had sex without a condom - you know you are fertile and after your last abortion I am surprised that you took the risk

But you did and you lost

Please learn from this. I'm not sure what medical conditions means you can't have pill - coil - implant as a basic contraception

But if you truly don't want any more kids then maybe sterilised is the option

BoundaryGirl3939 · 15/11/2024 16:06

Children grow very very quickly. In the blink of an eye they are gone. I know twins are daunting but the first four years will pass quickly. Then you will have two children to cherish for the rest of your life. Please listen to your own gut feeling instead of your partner. You're their mother.

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/11/2024 16:17

BoundaryGirl3939 · 15/11/2024 16:06

Children grow very very quickly. In the blink of an eye they are gone. I know twins are daunting but the first four years will pass quickly. Then you will have two children to cherish for the rest of your life. Please listen to your own gut feeling instead of your partner. You're their mother.

Out of curiosity, do you have twins?

GreyCarpet · 15/11/2024 16:18

BoundaryGirl3939 · 15/11/2024 16:06

Children grow very very quickly. In the blink of an eye they are gone. I know twins are daunting but the first four years will pass quickly. Then you will have two children to cherish for the rest of your life. Please listen to your own gut feeling instead of your partner. You're their mother.

Do you have a sentimental soundtrack to go with that drivel?

MoonWoman69 · 15/11/2024 16:20

@GreyCarpet Well said!

BoundaryGirl3939 · 15/11/2024 16:29

GreyCarpet · 15/11/2024 16:18

Do you have a sentimental soundtrack to go with that drivel?

Not trying to be sentimental. Its the truth. Many women decided against abortion at the very end and were very grateful years later with their choice. Getting rid of twins is just too much.

Wellingtonspie · 15/11/2024 16:31

And many parents secretly regret their children and can’t wait for them to grow up and leave home to get rid of them. The parents that stick around that is.

The whole you’ll never regret a baby but might regret an abortion is emotional manipulation. It’s just taboo to say if I could go back in time I wouldn’t have my children.

Fluufer · 15/11/2024 16:31

Wellingtonspie · 15/11/2024 16:31

And many parents secretly regret their children and can’t wait for them to grow up and leave home to get rid of them. The parents that stick around that is.

The whole you’ll never regret a baby but might regret an abortion is emotional manipulation. It’s just taboo to say if I could go back in time I wouldn’t have my children.

This. Better to regret an abortion than a child.

GreyCarpet · 15/11/2024 16:42

BoundaryGirl3939 · 15/11/2024 16:29

Not trying to be sentimental. Its the truth. Many women decided against abortion at the very end and were very grateful years later with their choice. Getting rid of twins is just too much.

Too much for whom? You? It wouldn't be too much for me.

It's not your choice. And you've no right to try to emotionally manipulate the OP in what is already a very difficult time for her.

She already has 3 children who have no contact with their father.

As a couple, they already have 5 children.

Neither of them want anymore.

She is likely to end up as a single.parent to 5 children if she goes ahead. She might end up.as a single parent to 3 regardless. And 7 if they stay together

That would be 5/7 children to house and transport and clothe and provide for. 5/7 children whose needs must be met.

It's easy for you to sit behind your computer screen telling her that children grow up in the blink of an eye. They don't. I have 2. Yes, we all get to their 18th birthday and wonder if we could have done more, read more stories, played more games, been more present, if we worked too hard, if they know they're loved, if they had enough. And it all feels.like it happened so quickly.

But those 18+ years are long and they need time, money and emotional resources because they don't actually wake up one day at 18 (or even 4). It's a lot of hard work to get there. And tugging at heart strings when it has no impact on you is cruel.

And there is no way that any single parent can provide for 5 children as well as 3 woth no support.

And maybe my position would be different if these twins would be her only children or if it wasn't twins. Or if her husband was coming round to the idea. But none of those scenarios are hers.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 15/11/2024 16:46

GreyCarpet · 15/11/2024 16:42

Too much for whom? You? It wouldn't be too much for me.

It's not your choice. And you've no right to try to emotionally manipulate the OP in what is already a very difficult time for her.

She already has 3 children who have no contact with their father.

As a couple, they already have 5 children.

Neither of them want anymore.

She is likely to end up as a single.parent to 5 children if she goes ahead. She might end up.as a single parent to 3 regardless. And 7 if they stay together

That would be 5/7 children to house and transport and clothe and provide for. 5/7 children whose needs must be met.

It's easy for you to sit behind your computer screen telling her that children grow up in the blink of an eye. They don't. I have 2. Yes, we all get to their 18th birthday and wonder if we could have done more, read more stories, played more games, been more present, if we worked too hard, if they know they're loved, if they had enough. And it all feels.like it happened so quickly.

But those 18+ years are long and they need time, money and emotional resources because they don't actually wake up one day at 18 (or even 4). It's a lot of hard work to get there. And tugging at heart strings when it has no impact on you is cruel.

And there is no way that any single parent can provide for 5 children as well as 3 woth no support.

And maybe my position would be different if these twins would be her only children or if it wasn't twins. Or if her husband was coming round to the idea. But none of those scenarios are hers.

Agreed. Better to regret an abortion than 2 children.

IdylicDay · 15/11/2024 16:49

jacks11 · 15/11/2024 12:14

What rubbish- both parties share equal responsibility when it comes to contraception.

Both are required to create a child- by your way of thinking, you could equally say that if she had not ovulated then he could not have impregnated her! It’s nonsense. Both parties have a responsibility when it comes to contraception and if both agree they do not want a pregnancy then they should agree on a form of that. You don’t get to solely blame the other if neither of you bother with contraception and then the inevitable outcome of a pregnancy occurs.

Nobody gets to tell someone else what to do with their body- including forcing a man to have a vasectomy. I agree it is a good option for many men and should be considered. It is straightforward for most but not risk free and if a man decides against it then I think that is fine- as long as he agrees to use barrier protection.

Thats such an absurd analogy! Ovulation by itself won't make her pregnant. A male inserting his sperm into her, does. It his his penis, his sperm that enters her.

And by going through pregnancy and childbirth, she has MORE than done her part. Time for these men with their 8 seconds of fun to take responsibility.

jacks11 · 15/11/2024 16:49

BoundaryGirl3939 · 15/11/2024 16:29

Not trying to be sentimental. Its the truth. Many women decided against abortion at the very end and were very grateful years later with their choice. Getting rid of twins is just too much.

Regardless of the impact upon the children she already has?

what sentimental nonsense- it’s not “too much” because it is a twin pregnancy- a single vs twin pregnancy is just a red herring. Few people will regret a child that exists, to the point they would reverse that decision if they could- fewer would admit to it. This argument is irrelevant.

OP must put aside the sentimental notion of how lovely babies are etc. She really has to carefully consider the impact if her decision upon her existing children. It could be devastating if she puts them into actual or relative poverty, or with a totally overwhelmed mother who cannot cope adequately as a single parent to 5 children. Even more so if this upheaval comes at a very important point in their education which could impact on their life chances. Ignoring that “because you’re a mother” is selfish clap trap. No responsible parent in OP’s position would not take those factors into account when making a decision like this. Of course, if OP is absolutely certain that she can fully support -practically, emotionally and financially- her current children plus twins as a single parent then she should go ahead and do as she pleases.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 15/11/2024 16:50

GreyCarpet · 15/11/2024 16:42

Too much for whom? You? It wouldn't be too much for me.

It's not your choice. And you've no right to try to emotionally manipulate the OP in what is already a very difficult time for her.

She already has 3 children who have no contact with their father.

As a couple, they already have 5 children.

Neither of them want anymore.

She is likely to end up as a single.parent to 5 children if she goes ahead. She might end up.as a single parent to 3 regardless. And 7 if they stay together

That would be 5/7 children to house and transport and clothe and provide for. 5/7 children whose needs must be met.

It's easy for you to sit behind your computer screen telling her that children grow up in the blink of an eye. They don't. I have 2. Yes, we all get to their 18th birthday and wonder if we could have done more, read more stories, played more games, been more present, if we worked too hard, if they know they're loved, if they had enough. And it all feels.like it happened so quickly.

But those 18+ years are long and they need time, money and emotional resources because they don't actually wake up one day at 18 (or even 4). It's a lot of hard work to get there. And tugging at heart strings when it has no impact on you is cruel.

And there is no way that any single parent can provide for 5 children as well as 3 woth no support.

And maybe my position would be different if these twins would be her only children or if it wasn't twins. Or if her husband was coming round to the idea. But none of those scenarios are hers.

Gosh, take it easy GreyCarpet. Only giving my opinion (which she asked for).

I'm sticking to what I said. Better to regret bringing two precious children to this world than to snuff them out. Deep down she doesn't want to get rud of them. So I'm not manipulating her. Just giving my honest opinion.