Pregnant with twin, husband wants an abortion but I don't

[Whatslifefor]

I have 3 kids from previous relationship, husband has 2 (who don't live with us). We decided we don't want to have more kids, but now I am pregnant I am not sure I want to go through with termination (the last one left me feeling traumatised and guilty). My options at the moment:

1- terminate the pregnancy and resent my husband for it (especially since it's a twin pregnancy)

2- continue with the pregnancy and my husband will resent me for it, or worse leave me and I end up a single mum to 5 kids

So currently, the way I see it, both my options suck for one of us (obviously as a woman I am in more of a disadvantage). Any one was in a similar situation and their marriage survived either decision?

Thank you all for the input. I think as many have said I will have to prioritise the wellbeing of my 3 kids and go through with the abortion even if I am finding it very hard. It's probably the best for everyone especially if I end up single again. Thanks again!

How could you not?

I personally think termination, and then divorce.

He sounds awful and selfish.

OP is too selfish for that. It’s either for herself or no one. Sorry but that’s the way it comes across.

It seems to be all about her and her wants, not her DH’s or her other existing children.

dont get me wrong. I’m too selfish to have kids and then give them away. But OP is mostly preoccupied with her own needs and wants. No one else’s. And the ensuing drama. Maybe she is bored in life and this will jazz things up a bit.

For some odd reason, the rights of unborn children seem to trump everyone else’s needs and wishes. I’m not sure why.

It’s like they are paramount, and everyone else should just roll over. And yet once they’re alive, and OP foolishly does it again, they’ll be demoted to ‘existing’ rights only. Once again the next baby/ies will take precedence. So now there are 6 or 7 kids to feed. I don’t understand why unborn children are seen in such exclusivity without any thought for the existing set up. Bizarre. And through all of this the moral handwringing. Urgh. I just can’t. Lives are lives, whether born or not. It has to fit with your current set up, for everyone, IMHO.

But they agreed no children.

She could have said no to sex with no condom. So she knew in that moment it could happen again.

im not sure why he’s getting all the hate. Women know they are the ones in trouble not the men so ok, it’s shit, but it’s on us to put the barrier down and say NO.

She was complicit? It’s not like he forced himself? If yes, that’s different.

OP, I think you need to seriously consider the implication of going for an abortion. Will you be grieving the twins you could have had, or grieving being a mum again.

The two are quite different and if you do go ahead with an abortion, you will need to explore the above, maybe in counselling, to really be able to recover from it and move on. You need to be fully honest with yourself before you can be with anyone else.

OP I can’t decide this for you but I will say your marriage sounds dead in the water already. You’ve already had to go through one abortion and he still refused a vasectomy? That’s so of order I don’t even know where to start.

They're both responsible tbh.

You don’t have to if you don’t want to and if you will regret it forever. Please be sure before you do, please do have at least a counselling session

how on earth do you know it's twins. nobody has scans so early on....

@PlopSofa

He is selfish for not having a vasectomy after their first abortion.

If he didn't want a baby he should have had a vasectomy and if he doesn't want to do that then he needs to step up and live with the consequences, if you don't feel abortion is right for you don't do it, it will only lead to resentment in the long run, when the babies are here he will hopefully come around and realise his responsibility

He is selfish for not having a vasectomy after their first abortion
No he isn't. He doesn't have to have a vasectomy to avoid a pregnancy. There are other means.

Ultimately we don't know what failure led to the pregnancy but whatever it was, unless one lied, they are both responsible for the failure on that occasion. It's a joint act and joint responsibility to avoid a pregnancy.

That has been asked at least 10 times in this thread already and people have already explained

I can understand why you would make that choice.

But you should definitely feel free to give him both barrels. You can tell him from me that he’s a selfish prick that should have a vasectomy performed with two moldy bricks .
He should be absolutely ashamed of himself. And whining that he’s too much of a baby to have a vasectomy is utterly pathetic.

Everyone should consider the impacts on their existing children before choosing to have more.

And yes, being available to support teen children and considering impacts on their exams and future choices is important. If OP is single handedly looking after twin babies, she will not be able to provide her other children with the same level of support that she would be able to do without them. Whether she is able to provide "good enough support" is down to her to decide.

My personal experiences of families where there was a new baby when the older children was teens was that the teens got very much the short end of the stick as they were expected to do more for themselves than might have otherwise been expected and, in some cases, to provide childcare and support for their parent(s). OP needs to think very long and hard about what she wants for her existing children before having more.

It's not about deciding to have an abortion; it's about deciding whether you want to bring 2 extra people into the world that will be entirely reliant on you for some years to come.

Thank you. I did have a counselling session today and I have another on Monday. Much needed. And to the many asking about how I know it's twins, it's because I had low abdominal pain when I found out I was pregnant so it was to rule out ectopic pregnancy. the scan revealed 2 sacs! Nothing unusual or odd about it.

We decided we don't want to have more kids
OP was clear in her OP that it was a joint decision. It's not a case of her saying she wanted kids so it was his sole responsibility to take precautions?

They were both as responsible and he wasn't any more selfish not to have a vasectomy as OP was for not getting sterilised.

Oh good I’m so pleased.

I hope they were helpful sessions. I had 2 with NUPAS and I didn’t find her advice helpful. I just felt more upset than ever.

I had two with choices charity (only a week or two ago so it’s really recent) and felt the counsellor ‘got me’ a lot more. My husband also did a joint one with me which I never ever expected him to. He liked her input as well.

The reason the joint one was so helpful was we both really really listened to deeper feelings of concern and anxiety and fear

Tbh, I find these sorts of threads baffling.

I'm amazed that there are so many women for whom A Baby becomes so 'everything' that they lose all sense of logic and reason. To the point they would consider becoming a single mother to their existing plus additional children or that they would encourage others to do the same.

Those posters on here telling the OP to leave her marriage and become a single parent to 5 children, including newborn twins, because they're sure she'll manage, for example. Manage? Do her three existing children deserve to have their family broken and their lives upended so that their mother can 'manage' two extra children that she and her husband previously agreed that neither of them wanted?

No one should be bringing unwanted children into the world. And, yes, the existing children should be considered primarily in every sense.

If the OP splits up from her husband over the vasectomy issue that is her choice. But I think it would be ridiculous to do so on the basis that he expects the joint decision they made to stand.

And, if she does leave him, it'll be a hell of a lot easier with 3 children than 5 in every sense.

And yes both partners should take responsibility for contraception. Its not just down to the man. If the woman knows she doesn't want more childen and doesn't want a termination, don't get pregnant.

You might find them baffling as an bystander.

If you’ve ever had an unplanned pregnancy and had to decide about a termination it is VERY different to giving advice from the sidelines.
hormones are very very powerful things, it’s human nature for bodies to want to reproduce. We are animals after all.

Its easy for you to see the logical sensible option, you don’t have these twins in your tummy.

ive been in both scenarios, ive had an unplanned pregnancy and terminated. I’ve had an unplanned pregnancy and kept the baby. I feel I am able to see this situation a lot more compassionately than people giving the ‘what I would do but have never actually done myself’ advice

Also notice how none of those who are telling OP that she’ll ‘manage’ appear to have twins.

In fact, those with twins all seem to be saying the opposite.

It’s also easy to tell OP she’ll manage if you’ve never had twins.

I think you’re confusing me with a previous poster saying ‘you’ll manage’

I had an unplanned pregnancy in my 20s and I terminated it.

I also left a sexless marriage and the first time I had sex again, I was on the pill, used a condom and was so concerned i might still have become pregnant, I also took the MAP.

There is absolutely not a cat in hell's chance I would have risked becoming pregnant again once I'd made the decision not to have any more and, had I unintentionally become pregnant, there is not a cat in hell's chance I would have brought an entirely unplanned human into the world and risked disrupting my exiating children's lives.

So, yes, I am speaking from experience.