Considering sending my child to a predominantly South Asian school

[billiegoat]

Our local primary school (in a very predominantly White Home Counties town) is probably the only school with a South Asian ethnic majority. I'd say 70% of the children are South Asian. I really like the school and we could walk there so I think it will be the one for us.

I wondered if there was anything I needed to consider in terms of culture and inclusivity etc.

For example - will the other mums be open to getting to know me (white British) and forming friendships?

Will there be play dates and birthday parties?

Anything else I should consider?

Sorry if this sounds ignorant or rude - I don't mean to at ALL - just want to make the right choice. I think I felt a bit worried during the show around being the only white British mum that we might be a bit left out...!

I am sure it depends on culture and local area but in mine (where my child was one of only two white children in the class), there were very few birthday parties and maybe a handful of play dates the whole time my children were at that school (about five years). I didn’t really make any mum friends bar one or two. The mums all knew eadyorget and would address eachother with an Islamic greeting but I was never ever part of the social scene.

I am S Asian. It's quite a catchall term for a diverse range of people of different cultures, and it's hard to generalise.

Many or most of my DC's friends are white British. They went to all the play dates and birthday parties. Now they are grown, they have had white British girlfriends and boyfriends. I am possibly a bit of an anomaly as I am not religious, and I am not keen on only hanging out with people who look like me.

Generalising a bit, I think the school may be competitive as S Asians tend to be tiger parents! On the plus side, the DC will likely be very hard-working. ( This isn't to say that white British children are not hard workingl).

The school was good and the children were happy so I didn’t worry about that too much, but I didn’t have friends. And there was no WhatsApp group that I was ever aware of.

@NotColdNotFrozen oh this is my concern. I am excited for the school experience and want to be fully immersed and involved

Same experience as above, my daughter was one of very few white children at her first primary, and was excluded by other children talking in Arabic or Punjabi during breaktimes etc, there was also some racist language used towards her. So we moved her to a different school which was much more inclusive.

@Lentilweaver thank you!

What do you mean by tiger parents?

I was so impressed with all the kids when we looked around. Wonderful young people

Are the parents general first generation immigrants or been in the UK a while ? I’m generalizing here but the ones who have been in the UK for more than one generation are just as keen to make friends etc as other races

We did get some comments about birthday parties that we held.. “Can we make sure no boys are invited as my dad doesn’t like this?”

I think this was just this cohort though and find lots of Asian people very friendly towards me. It really depe

The school is for your child not for you. I suggest you find some hobbies asap.

Depends on the people themselves

@Snorlaxo I don't know to be honest but the parents on the show around were not speaking English...

@Maria1979 excuse me? 🤣 I have plenty of hobbies, but I am excited about the experience of school and like the idea of being part of a school community which would benefit my children and I. You sound lovely

Generally, S Asians are very keen on education, academic success and high status professions like medicine, engineering, law, finance and so on. This is because traditionally we came to this country without inherited wealth or high status, and the only way to extricate ourselves from poverty was through education. There is also a fair amount of respect for teachers, or indeed anyone older.
Of course, many of these things are changing or may differ from school to school.
I am sorry for the experience of posters on this thread who felt isolated. I do think it's very important for children to have friends of all races. My own DC made friends through interests. Like DS just played with everyone who was keen on football.

I worked for an organisation with Islamic ethos in the education field. It was one one the best experiences of my life. The colleagues I had from a Muslim background were friendly, open minded and if you did make a gaffe thought it was funny not offensive. This was based in a school environment and as I walked in many of the mums/dads passed the time of day with me.

If you are a friendly, open person I think you will be very happy.

Honestly, schools need parents who are really involved and engaged, running events, PTA, governors, helping out on trips etc, it's a good thing you want to be involved in it. The more you put, the more you (and your child) get out of it.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want a few mum friends at all.

Your child's experience could be completely different than mine.

I went to a primary school where I was the only white British kid in my year, I think by the time I left Year 6 I was the only white kid in the whole school! But yeah, no birthday parties, no play dates, I never saw my primary school friends outside of school. I had SE Asian friends at high school and did hang out with them on Saturdays when we'd go shopping together and sometimes we'd go to each other's houses.

My child is at high school which is probably 90% SE Asian. Her experience is different to mine in that she doesn't see her school friends outside of school at all as they are from strict Muslim families and aren't allowed out at all. She's got quite a big group of friends and it's the same for all of them. They aren't allowed to go to the nice park near school, or hang out with friends at all, not even at home. They keep in touch on WhatsApp but it's not the same as seeing each other.

I feel sad for her as she does get quite lonely, particularly during the holidays. I'm thinking about moving her to a more mixed school in the hope that she'd have friends she can see at weekends and holidays.

I did the whole PTA thing but still was out of it. Some of the messages to the rest of the pta committee were even written in different languages, so I couldn’t understand.

Not a good idea. Firstly, how you get on at your child's school is very much secondary. Your children must come first. Send them to a school where they are most likely to fit in. You can listen to the "right on" types if you want. But you will most likely be making a mistake. My SIL made that very mistake. She began her sons first term of high school being all "right on" but within weeks of her child being one of only 2 white children in the class she knew she had made a big mistake and got him out of there ASAP. While her son got on well enough with his class mates he felt very isolated.

it's perfectly understandable to want to make mum friends and have playdates/birthday parties , I love all this. However culturally this just might not be the same priority for these mums as you..... Having said that you could go to another school and have a strange clique or something so it's also the luck of draw isn't it ? Do you know anyone going ?

In my experience, areas with a large amount of South Asians (in a majority white area) tend to be all the same type. Same religion (Hindu/Muslim), nationality (Indian/Pakistani/Bangladeshi) and as a result have quite a conservative attitude. Also speak their own language all the time etc. Unless you have a trusted friend to ask about the culture, steer clear. I'm not talking about places like Bradford that are generally very mixed.

I'm South Asian with a white husband, I never fit in with these people. I pole dance, wear miniskirts and go on nights out. Completely alien to them.
I'd also never send my kids to a school like that.

DS briefly attended a similar sounding school (in terms of area) in which as a white person he was in a minority (10% probably) amongst S Asian families. It didn’t go well. He was excluded, teased to the point of bullying, couldn’t make friends, generally pushed around and the school gate wasn’t a fun place either.

The teaching staff were much more diverse and the results / work ethos was excellent but he lasted a term and then I had to move him as his self esteem and mental wellbeing (at the age of 8) were being ground out of him every day and he was becoming unwell with stress and unhappiness.

none of that is to say that your experience would be anything like ours. But if the parents are speaking another language which is the majority language for that parent body, then there’s a good chance that you’re going to struggle to be included.

I always help out on when there is a need for parents. It's the "fully immersed and involved" that gave me the ick. Sorry but I associate to PITA mums sending 50 WhatsApp messages about classroom wall colour (yes, it's for real).

I sense, OP, that you are afraid of being thought racist. It's not racist to want to hang out with people with similar values. These people may not necessarily be white, because there are plenty of liberal S Asians, or indeed people of other cultures. But it's ok to want to seek out birthday parties, play dates, hanging out at the park.

There’s a big potential for this thread to derail into veiled racist rants.

I’ll give my perspective. I went to a school with around 90% of children from south Asian heritage. I’m mixed race and my mom is white.
i was bullied for not being a muslim. I had friends at school but play dates with other children with white family members. On eid there would be around 30 children in the school.

as a result of the bullying I moved to a school that had a much more diverse mix but in the same area. I was happier there and had more friendships- even a birthday party or 2.

in contrast- my son has started primary school in the same area. 90% of the school is south Asian but the school is much more engaged with the community and encouraging positive inclusive values. They promote the “no outsiders” scheme( part founded it and there doesn’t seem to be the animosity that I experienced as a child.