Considering sending my child to a predominantly South Asian school

[billiegoat]

Our local primary school (in a very predominantly White Home Counties town) is probably the only school with a South Asian ethnic majority. I'd say 70% of the children are South Asian. I really like the school and we could walk there so I think it will be the one for us.

I wondered if there was anything I needed to consider in terms of culture and inclusivity etc.

For example - will the other mums be open to getting to know me (white British) and forming friendships?

Will there be play dates and birthday parties?

Anything else I should consider?

Sorry if this sounds ignorant or rude - I don't mean to at ALL - just want to make the right choice. I think I felt a bit worried during the show around being the only white British mum that we might be a bit left out...!

My niece/nephew went to a primary with about 60% South asian cohort - varying groups but mostly Indian hindu.

Pros:
Kids had lovely behaviour, parents who were relatively strict & limited screen use
Strong work ethic/valued education, results were exceptional.
Some friendly parents, lots of professionals (doctors etc) who were were happy to contribute financially

Cons: some social issues. A lot just did no playdates or birthday parties ever& quite a lot of parents did not engage at all with parents not from their community. Some parents with poor English language.
Super competitive - masses of tutoring from day one

I’m assuming this is a primary school? To massively over-generalise, sometimes 1st generation South Asians may be a little reserved and as a parent you may not get the whole WhatsApp group thing happening. Very different ballgame with 2nd generation who have been raised in the UK and I’m sure you’ll make mum friends easily. I’ve taught at schools that were 50/50 white British and South Asian and everybody mixed in and got along fine. Just in terms of parties and things, the only tip I’d give if you’re hosting is to check dietary requirements; depending on what country/religion we’re talking about, you may need to cater to vegetarians and/or make sure there is no animal gelatine in sweets etc. As for people not speaking in English as others have mentioned, that’s more of a 1st generation thing due to lack of English language, but I also don’t think it’s anything to get worked up about if that’s a private conversation between other people.

OP if you want a traditional primary school experience - PTA, selling raffle tickets at the summer fair, making mum friends, play dates, kids parties - then this is not the school for you and your child.

In my experience when there is a mix of all nationalities in a school, whether white British, south Asian, Middle East, African etc...all parents and kids tend to mix well...when there is an overwhelming majority of one culture, they very much stick to their own.

Agree 100% Danni...... For me a school should be a microcosm of society. A mixture of all types is best.

I don't think being in a minority at school is ever ideal (obviously many people don't have the luxury of choice). When my son started primary I sent him to the local Catholic primary, where I knew most of the children were either black or Polish, but I didn't see that as a problem and they have excellent wraparound and holiday childcare.

It soon became clear that actually it was a problem - not for me because I already have friends and also a job that doesn't give me enough time for my existing friends, but for my son. The children were lovely but outside of school there was going to be nothing - most of the children had lots of siblings and cousins and either socialised with them or with neighbours, or with the school children they already knew and who were from the same culture/language. After a while I thought "Fuck this" and moved him to the school next door which is much more diverse, and it has been wall-to-wall playdates and parties since. I can see that the first school has become more truly mixed in the last few years due to demographic changes in the area, but I have always been glad I moved my son.

@dannimay Schools work on catchments areas so should reflect the racial and socioeconomic mix of the local area. If it's a predominantly white area well then a 'mixture of all types' wouldn't be a 'microcosm of society'.

However you do tend to get divisions in certain areas as is happening here. It's strange that OP claims to live in a 'predominantly white' town yet has this school full of South Asians within walking distance. Surely that must mean a good amount of South Asians living in the area... But OP hasn't noticed them? If they're her neighbours she must know the kind of people they are.

Or there aren't many but for some reason they all go to this one school.

Most SE Asian families put an emphasis on families and education which is important, They're going to get a lovely set of friends who have good values.

if there are all wearing face veils then it's different.

SE Asian (comprising countries such as Thailand, Indonesia, Malaysia) is different from South Asia (India, Pakistan, Bangladesh)....? Did you make a typo?

I think 70% from 1 ethnicity is probably fine. I wouldn't want 90%+, particularly. But, for many people, there's no choice. They are always in a tiny minority. And most of those seem to cope fine.

I teach in a diverse school (ethnically, not socially). We are about 50% White, 20% Black, 20% South Asian and 10% Chinese. But I wonder whether it feels diverse to, say, the Chinese families, who are the smallest minority. I'm guessing not! But they fit in fine. I think with 30% from his own race/culture, your child will not have a problem at all.

Oh yes, there will be tutoring. By god, there will be tutoring😂

Personally I think it's shortsighted to use just 'ethnicity' as a marker for anything, it really depends on the specific background.
For example
There are many of children, of whatever background with 'cosmopolitan' professional parents who went to international schools in their home countries. They'd fit in quite well in a naice MC middle class area/grammar school even if it was predominantly white. Definitely not in an area with people of their own ethnicity, of a lower socioeconomic status and whose values may be closer towards those of their own culture.

@Lentilweaver As an aside I'm quite pleased to see South Asian stars like Ritu Arya, Simone Ashley etc taking the screen... Also South Asians in ballet and orchestras.

I understand immigrant parents wanting to give their kids a good life but I don't understand the attitude of not supporting if you can in 2024 for 2nd/3rd generation who can definitely afford it. What was that quote... I study science... Sth sth... So my sons can study poetry.

My daughter is mixed race. White and Afghan. Muslim. Her first school nursery - reception. She got bullied by another Afghan. It was mixed in London. I got along with the mums and everyone regardless of race because I guess I'm white and Muslim and could fit in with all of them. Generally all kids were okay, except a few of the Afghan kids ironically.

She started a wonderful school in Cheshire in year 1-2. All white. She was the only Muslim in the class, year. Amazing mums. Amazing school. She had lots of amazing friends. I miss that school.

Now she's at a school in West Sussex, all white. The mums are quite snobby, children seem nice but she's already been bullied for looking like "chinesey"

So I really do think it varies but honestly speaking, put your child in a cohort that will reflect your values too. What's the point her making friends with little samirah if her parents will not want her hanging with the non Muslim come high school?
I'm being real. You don't want them becoming the token white friend that doesn't "quite get it"

X

Then how will you fit in with them? I'm brown OP and I wouldn't send my DD to a school where the majority of parents didn't speak English. I'd worry the cliqueyness would be the same between the children.

The schools where I'm from basically have one white kid per class. I have to visit these due to organising clubs to kids. When I went to school it was about 50/50. This has it's own set of challenges. But If we are talking about parent interactions I've noticed it is fine when everyone is from all over. But classes where majority of the kids parents are from one country or one religion, they're not really talking to other parents. But also depends if the parents are first or second+ generation.

I suspect it’s site-specific - depends on how open the majority culture at that school is to mixing with others and whether the parents speak English socially.

New friends can be found through shared interests, doesn’t have to be just the school gate. Volunteering’s a treasure trove of nice people from truly mixed backgrounds.

I agree with this. And I say this as a South Asian Hindu woman.

Someone also said that it depends on whether the parents are 1st or 2nd generation immigrants. I would disagree with this point as I'm 1st generation, but me and DH have made a huge effort to not just stay within our community. In my experience, you have immigrants who prefer staying in areas where they are in majority and those who move away from such places. The former are more likely to stick to their own people and not be very welcoming to others - not because they're mean but because it doesn't somehow fit in with their life style. They're used to speaking their own language and living almost like they did in their home countries.

I would expect your child to be left out at this school and for you to not make many mum friends.

You haven't really said enough about the school (or any other nearby school) for people to give useful advice.

70% South Asian is a bit like saying 70% European - it could be a homogeneous group or quite diverse within the broader category and include a range of different languages, nationalities and religions. A class could be 70% European and no two children share the same nationality.

What is the ethnicity of the other 30% and is it the same as your son's? You mention being the only white British mum being shown round - was this in a small group?

I think you do need to consider if your child will have a peer group growing up. But that doesn't need to come just from school. One or two friends from a local school and a wider pool of friends from attending Beavers/football or playing with neighbours can give that peer group.

My main concern would be if my child had one other person from the same background in their class so always got paired with them, even though they had nothing else in common. Fortunately that didn't happen to us as he's the only one with his background in the school and many other children also have dual nationality so he doesn't stand out either.

@CatchAllKate Yes, fair point. Probably at least 70% of our non white parents are British. 2nd generation mostly but some more than that.

@billiegoat This is interesting. Are you in Wokingham by any chance? I had a similar thought process but ultimately we decided against the area (unrelated to this) so never found out! I was a minority ethnicity throughout my schooling and it was a little isolating.

I hope you reported it .

I think it depends on the people and if they are open to their kids having white friends.
In my town the schools are all one or all the other more or less, but that's because the immigrant residents are from one area and one religion and are actively opposed to allowing their culture to risk dilution by integrating any more than they have to, they discourage any contact with white kids (I've seen parents pull their children away if they start playing at the park with a white kid). The situation has been this way for a good number of years now. It does nothing for race relations/attitudes more broadly, so it's a shame as it probably does keep the kids close to their culture of origin but also encourages a very unhealthy divide in the wider society they live in.

I'm that case, it is unlikely that you will be friends with the parents. It is also unlikely that they will encourage friendships between their child and yours. Thay may not actively discourage it, but you're unlikely to have play dates and party invites from them.

I'm also South Asian (mixed race) with a white husband and I agree with this post. With everything else being equal (academics etc.) I would choose a truly diverse school, i.e., one that is a proper melting pot of cultures and communities - failing that, I would choose a school where parents with my values (secular, liberal) would be in the majority. I would steer clear of any where the overwhelming majority have a common language, culture, religion etc. that our family doesn't share, just because it's so much harder to fit in and make friends, and school is hard enough as it is!

This is so sad! Don't they realise that their children will never fit in or never feel part of the country they're brought up in?! 😔