Is it always worth splitting? Aibu to think it's not.

[MyTeethHurt]

The alternate Christmases, the crappy house, the 5050 schedule, the step parents, the impact on the kids

Is it always worth it? There is No addiction, no adultery, just totally loveless.

I'm 36.

You make some good points. How much joy is there is your life currently? For me, I am (generally) happy, chilled and optimistic and I know I would not be if I was still with my ex. But you may have a higher tolerance than I do!

Depends what you mean by loveless.

Solid friendship & companionship, working as a team? That's love.

Lack of passion and sexual desire can be overcome/come to terms of both agree.

i’m a single parent and none of those apply, he hasn’t bothered with them since!

As I child I lived in a wonderful loving home after my parents split. Best thing they did for me.

I think if it's "totally loveless", it's always worth splitting. You don't want to model to your children that love, affection and caring for others aren't important.

I can see how if a couple simply grew apart and stopped feeling sexually attracted to each other but were still loving and incredibly close in every other way, it might be worth staying together. Financially and also in terms of company and the practical things you mention.

Do you think the children won't be impacted by parents in a loveless marriage? No matter the best intentions they will know. And that does it's own damage.

I'm divorced 50/50 due to catastrophic infidelity on his part so I'm not the best person to answer but honestly I want my children to aspire to happiness not settle for joyless.

Two homes / split xmas etc.. it's not ideal but it doesn't have to be miserable.

I stayed too long because I was desperate to avoid not tucking my kids into their beds at night. It would have killed me to stay.

The alternate Christmases,
They might be celebrated differently but they could both be better, happier, more joy filled. Build new traditions. Some people find splitting the day is better, others prefer to move Christmas to Boxing Day or even Christmas Eve. Kids get two Christmases, they will love it.

the crappy house,
The house is what you make it. That's down to the people inside it, not the four walls or material possessions.

the 5050 schedule,
Who says it will be evenly split? A lot of men can't change the hours in their very important jobs to accommodate childcare.

the step parents,
Not guaranteed. Not everyone wants another relationship nevermind another marriage.

the impact on the kids
What about the impact on them if you stay together? One very unhappy house versus two happy houses? Two depressed parents or two happier, more fulfilled parents.

You are focusing on the wrong things.

Are you unhappy? Have the two of you tried counselling to try to see if you can reinject some kind of spark?

36 is young and the rest of your life is a long time to be miserable. Equally, breaking up when you have kids is shit in my experience. There are benefits, I get time to myself now I suppose, but I miss my children terribly when they’re not here and I would do anything to have the family unit back.

I think splitting can be worth it if you’re unhappy, but it should be a last resort if you’ve worked at things to no avail.

Step parents isn't a given. A house doesn't have to be crappy. Shared Christmas is a day a year. 50/50 is annoying but they get to see both parents.

If you're happy to have your children growing up witnessing a loveless relationship as the standard then stay, because they'll think it's normal and that'll have a lasting impact.

You might be separated and not 50/50, EOW is a common arrangement. Depends on situation, of course. And you can have a nice house and a happy kid even if parents separate. (A cheaper house probably but it doesn’t have to be awful!)

It may not be worth splitting for many people but also I wouldn’t judge all single parent families to be the same and assume they are living miserable lives!

At some point you must have loved each other. What changed?

What does loveless mean? Happy together but lacking passion? Or more like strangers without even a feeling of fondness? Resentful? Distant? It's really hard to know without more detail

Loved my alternate Christmases.

Mum and dad split and got new partners which they've been with ever since, 25+ years. Love my stepparents. Close to my stepsiblings.

Sorry its not what you want to hear.

Alternate Christmases: I hated moving around over Christmas and Boxing Day.

Crappy house: yep, it was a definite downgrade and I never felt comfortable in it.

Step parents: awful hateful people on both sides.

5050: wasn’t a thing in my day so I saw my dad one day a week and listened to my mum slagging him off the other six.

That said, my parents staying married would have been worse. Sometimes “best” isn’t an option and you choose the least damaging one.

This is sad to read. I think if it's loveless it's damaging your kids more to stay together. The rest of the stuff is just your perspective on it.

That depends on what loveless means.

I agree and I suspect a large chunk of the population lives like this. I love my DP in a companiable sense but we're like flatmates really. I don't want to split up as I couldn't not live with my son all the time. I know DP couldn't either so we've never even hinted at splitting up. It's an absolute no go, until DS is fully launched at least.

I think that it’s couples like you who are more likely to meet someone that they end up having an affair with because they provide what’s missing in their marriage. Splitting now while things are calm will be psychologically easier than splitting because one of you finds someone who fulfills emotional and sexual needs.

I would never be staying in a shit marriage if I was only 36!

I wish somehow I had not been divorced from my awful husband. I do think it would have been better for my children. If I had it to do again I would do things differently. Tried to find a way to keep going.

No, I don’t agree. If it’s ‘loveless’ but not abusive or adulterous and your children are happy then I don’t think staying together is damaging for them.

Depends on what you mean by loveless really. If you married him, I assume you loved him once and relatively recently given your age. I personally think it’s better if there is a chance to try to work on it.

If it isn’t possible to work on it and it’s making you unhappy then I don’t think any of the issues you raise are insurmountable as long as both parties behave like adults.

You don't think never seeing your parents hug, be affectionate in any way, laugh,enjoy stuff together isn't damaging? It so is!

I'm a damp good stepmum and I take umbrage at your including step parents on the list

And the house isn't crappy