Is it always worth splitting? Aibu to think it's not.

[MyTeethHurt]

The alternate Christmases, the crappy house, the 5050 schedule, the step parents, the impact on the kids

Is it always worth it? There is No addiction, no adultery, just totally loveless.

I'm 36.

Well it depends if any impact on the DC. I am an adult whose parents stayed together for the kids. The kids did not thank them.

How unhappy are you? Will you regret not leaving later in life? Time goes by quickly. For some people is no abuse and they aren’t desperately unhappy, staying is better than sharing DC.

it’s natural though, most parents would prefer it if their kids never had a step parent, it’s one thing i’m glad about my kids have never had one.

Massive, massive assumptions here.
You are looking at the worst case scenario of staying and the best case scenario of splitting.

I've got fabulous step parents but my parents both wanted to be with other people so splitting was absolutely the right thing for them to do. I'm perfectly happy here with a kind and safe DP and a drama free life.

I think it depends what's meant by loveless ie if you still get on as friends and are not unhappy I'd stick it.

If you resent them or argue/dont get on and have tried therapy or counselling and it's been a while I'd probably split.

I think kids are better with separated but content parents than miserable together. Plus the idea of a rubbish house etc part of that's how you feel about it. If you have a little home that you love kids won't necessarily dislike it.

I'm not sure, but my situation means I'm trapped, choosing to stay less because of the alternate Christmases etc and more because if I left I wouldn't be able to do my job and I couldn't make life work. I'd see the children far less than I do now.

There isn't any childcare that could have them early enough or late enough for me to work my hours and I don't want that for them either.

We don't argue, we basically get on ok it's just like co-parenting under the same roof 😕

I suppose it’s hard to define what “loveless” means, though. I think there could be laughter and enjoyment of life without loving each other as a couple, yes. Especially for the sake of the children.

We’re perhaps in the minority but I agree. My parents were in a loveless marriage and I can’t say it ‘damaged’ me. I’m curious to know how many of those making that claim have actually been in the position of the children or whether they’re just making assumptions?

I think there are massive benefits to staying. I think one should try to make it work and divorce is the last option.

My parents split when I was 10 and while it turned out mainly okay, there were huge downsides. I specifically did not like having a stepfather and step siblings (I liked my step mum but I only saw dad and stepmum a couple of times a year)

Can you do some shared things like gardening or a hobby to be friends? If not can you develop your own hobbies so you have a new life yourself ? But if by loveless you actually mean negativity or arguments then probably start making plans to leave

@LittleGreenDragons
the crappy house,
The house is what you make it. That's down to the people inside it, not the four walls or material possessions.

Well that depends doesn't it, some things it's hard to make the best of - damp issues and the like, for example.

It's ok to leave if you're unhappy.

Right then why did the ex wife get a partner too to give her kids a step dad too?

I’d say in so-called loveless marriages you have to be sure that you’re still friends who have each others backs at least. I don’t think it is necessarily always worth rushing to split, and you’ll know when it’s time to split because you’d rather live in just about any set-up, never mind seeing your kids sharing Christmas and some reduced circumstances, than carry on as their spouse.

The difficult bit is a lot of people don’t manage to still treat one another decently and with respect while acknowledging that there is no longer any romantic connection. They’re at war within their marriage. That’s as bad for kids if not worse than an amicable separation (although that can be hard to achieve eh?)

Mutual regard, shared goals and a commitment to raising your family as married parents can replace the attraction/desire but it’d be hard to have those things if you simply can’t stand one another.

Being open about how you both feel and being alert to the risks (ie. not putting yourself in circumstances where you might be tempted to have a wee graze at the greener grass) is vital. Also depends what being with someone you wouldn’t pick now does to your mental health, self-worth etc.

Also worth remembering that marriages can hit bad patches. So if it’s a sense of dissatisfaction, feeling down about your life choices etc, rather than being the victim of abuse, say, it can be hard to know when to call it a day, it might be a case of waiting it out to see if things improve? Only the people involved know what they can tolerate.

I always ask the lottery question. If you dropped £30 million on Friday night, what would you/he do? I wonder how many couples would pass!

I can't downsize from a flat, downsizing to me would mean moving from a lovely area to a crap one where none of our family or friends live.

It's hard to define loveless.

Ill try....

when we are together by ourselves in the evening I would prefer to be alone but I don't hate him being there. I'm just not interested in anything he has to say and visa versa.

If he said he was going away for a week - that would feel like a nice break. But again, I wouldn't dread him coming back, I just wpildnt miss him.

The thought of him having an affair makes me feel relieved more than anything

But the kids (under 6 yrs) are v happy as when we are all together - we are happy, but like v cheerful friends with kids. The house is playful, silly, loving. We both love the kids v much and the kids are happy and settled because of that. Just all the loving stops when the kids go to bed and we just stare at our phones.

We don't have sex. It would feel odd to keep him on the mouth even.

Evvvvery single thing you've said is the same as my situation

I can also relate. Have you spoken to him about calling it a day?

Can you really live like that for the next 10 years? How would you feel about being 46 and starting again?

Absolutely it’s worth it. Firstly you might actually find someone you’re happy with. Secondly, your children will have an example of what a healthy, loving and happy relationship looks like.

What type of relationship do you want your children to be in when they are older? Model that.

It’s really hard to know what to do when you have a happy family unit like that. Have you spoken to your husband about it?

I think it's normal for ling term relationships to go through ups and downs, including periods of perceived lovelessness (what even is love?!).

Listen, divorces are huge and their consequences are ugly.

Only you can know if you can stay in your marriage and maintain your mental health. If you can't, move on. If you can, see where it takes you.

Can I ask why you think you can't get the love back? Millions of arranged marriages find love out of nothing, you have history and previous love, what makes you think it isn't salvageable?

@Ceebs85 the stuff you said about your job is true with me too. H does pick ups from nursery and school.

I'm paralysed by the indecision of it. I'm not going for promotions. I'm not planning holidays. It feels my life is on hold because I can't fully commit to this being my forever because I know I don't love him, but I also can't leave when it's such a stable family unit!

I promised 2024 I'd decide what to do but...so far...nothing

Doesn't sound like a bad marriage to me, you just have to get to know each other again.

My thoughts exactly.