Is it always worth splitting? Aibu to think it's not.

[MyTeethHurt]

The alternate Christmases, the crappy house, the 5050 schedule, the step parents, the impact on the kids

Is it always worth it? There is No addiction, no adultery, just totally loveless.

I'm 36.

It's fine to stay in this situation as long as you're not kidding yourself that it will last for a long time. Would anyone even want decades with someone they have nothing to talk about and they're not attracted to?? Why self-impose such misery from mid-thirties onwards?

I don't think it's necessary to martyr all personal happiness to fake a happy marriage for the children. You are still their Mum and Dad whether you fake the marriage or decide to separate. If you are reasonable and loving then healthy co-parenting shouldn't be an issue.

My ExH and I live in different houses, mere 10min walk away from each other. We haven't even divorced, as in the 5 years apart neither of us has decided to move on with a new relationship.
Our DS moves between houses depending on the situation (he's at his dad's 90% of the time now whilst my house is a building site). I also go to theirs sometimes for dinners, movies and just with no reason. We will have Christmas together. As close as we are, I would never want to be back in a marital home sort of situation!

I can understand why you feel stuck. Lots of people stay in your situation to protect their kids from the stress of a split.

Maybe try to change your mindset, and look at this time to get your ducks in a row. Go on as if you plan to leave down the track, take or don’t take the promotion on the basis that you might be a single parent soon (especially as the choice might be taken from you).

Use this time to create nice memories for you kids, get them a bit older so they have their own lives and can make decisions on where to live rather than being forced into a 50/50 situation. And let dh get a bit older, so it’s less likely he will rush into having a second family, which isn’t usually fun for kids.

You can decide to leave at any time, don’t feel you have to rush to make a decision. But definitely start preparing yourself. Because if you feel this way, your dh probably does too.

Is there absolutely nothing worth salvaging? You must have loved him at one point. No way at all to bring that back?
My mum decided that the “grass was greener” had a long term affair and then left. Shit show all round that still causes issues now, decades later. Awful step parents, all the adults have a very limited relationship with all the many now adult children involved, a totally fractured “family”. In her weaker moments, she admits she made a massive mistake.

But then I also know people who it’s worked out really well for (they are usually the ones who didn’t leave off the back of an affair) So if you can separate amicably from your dh and maintain a positive co parenting relationship, then that may be a good option for you.

I suppose the definition of ‘loveless’ is really the crux of this, if it means cold hostility, anger, resentment or if it means peaceful coexistence with mutual respect.
OP I agree with @AgileGreenSeal and @Sheri99 - this is currently peaceful happy coexistence- it's actually a lot to walk away from.
Raising kids is an enormous drain on both of you- the fact that you're not plotting murder every evening is hugely positive!!
I agree that kids do not notice romance or lack of, especially at your DC ages. They do notice arguing and tension but you're not in that situation.
What attracted you to each other in the first place? Has that really gone or is it just dormant while you focus on raising your kids? If you split, you'd both go on a health/fitness drive, someone would set you up on dates, imagine how you'd both be on best behaviour, dating all starry eyed etc. Would either of you have pangs of regret?
Do you ever have date nights or lunches out and get a babysitter? Get dressed up and just focus on each other?
I think you can afford to sit tight and see if things improve- you're all safe, both mutually respected and jointly focussing on the kids. It's a lot to walk away from IMO.

Read this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5209320-anyone-up-please-hold-my-hand-tonight

If you get to this stage, leave. You sound in a nice quiet lull tbh - I'd be quite happy with that! Then when the kids are bigger, more developed you can split amicably if you still want to.

I don't think I've explained myself well. Definitely not nice lull. It's more putting on a show for the kids. The moment the kids go to bed or nursery - we are silent

Yesterday I had a v stressful day at work with lots of travel and then needed to do bedtime alone as H was at gym. H came in at 8pm and ran upstairs to give a kiss to DC but didn't acknowledge me. DC go to sleep v happy

But I don't fear him or hate him. I just feel totally ignored by him. We are co parents in the same house. That's the best description

I have tried counselling but it's not for him. I've even organised a date night tomorrow which he has said he's not looking forward to because I booked a comedy thing he isn't interested in.

I agree. I need to work on it for the kids. But it's definitely not a pleasant lull!

I agree. It definitely is damaging. I grew up with this for a little while, and I remember feeling sad when I saw my friends' parents hugging or laughing with each other. I'm not a very affectionate person, and I do think this has something to do with it. It was so much better when my dad left (he raised us). We were a lot happier, it was nice watching my dad be happy again.

He apologised to me and told me he wished he had left a lot sooner. It caused more damage than good staying.

Urgh sounds miserable.

If you both aren't committed to being on board to reconnect what's the point?

As a Child who grew up in house hold like this, for the love of god just leave.

my parents thought they were doing the best for us by staying together and thought there was nothing wrong with the set up but there was always an underlying tone in the house of knowing we weren’t a “normal” family and they weren’t a “normal” married couple.

it has had a knock on effect as to how I act and view relationships and I tell them to this day I wish they’d split whilst we were young as the second we all left home they realised it was just the two of them and they did it then!

they had both wasted their best years pretending to be happy when they could have actually split and had a chance at proper happiness.

See, this is what my friend is trying to convince herself - that people stay together for the sake of the kids or for financial reasons. But her circumstances are nothing like you describe. He husband does absolutely nothing with regards to the kids. They have never had a happy family life as he leaves it all to her. They've never done fun days out or holidays together- she does that all by herself. And to top it all off, he contributes nothing financially. He works full time but has never paid anything towards rent, bills etc.

She asked for a divorce and he refused to sign and said he can't afford to move out(!). She seems to have resigned herself to 'oh well, that's just how it is. I'm sure other people do this too'. It's so utterly depressing and I can't imagine why anyone would do this to themselves.

Your circumstances sound less horrific, but still utterly depressing. And as people have pointed out, your list of what would happen is in no way a given.

An Ex used to rave about his parents relationship and say that he wanted exactly what they had. Then after the youngest child left home, the mother did too. It was a huge shock to them all, but to me, several things fell into place, and I realised she had been planning this for years. It was great for the dad and kids, but not for her.

how you describe things didn’t sound too bad, but you can’t put a leaving date or decision date on it. You aren’t happy. You need to talk it through with someone ( even if a therapist), and get a cold eye on your options. Did you book a comedian as you wouldn’t have to talk to each other? A date night in a restaurant might mean you are forced into connecting more. You do need to start engaging with each other to work out if you actually have anything to salvage.

It wouldn't be so bad if when parents split up, they just stayed single. But they don't. They become preoccupied with their new, single identities, and often make poor decisions about their new partners. I was initially happy when my parents split up, as, like you say, it had become uncomfortable for everyone in the house. It wasn't a normal relationship. Even when my mum had an affair and initiated divorce I was happy for her! He turned out to be emotionally abusive to all of us and she turned into a lovesick teenager. I lost all respect for her. My dad, who had been a great dad up until that point, developed emotional problems as a result of the divorce and chose a new partner who didn't let him spend any time alone with my siblings and I. Being essentially abandoned by my parents during my teenage years led me to develop anorexia and OCD. I will never know what I would have been like, if my parents had stayed in a boring but stable marriage, or God forbid, worked on it and made it better!
Neither myself nor my husband is perfect but we are committed to each other for life. We will make it work no matter what life throws at us. A deep love and respect grows as you encounter hardship together. People used to marry and be together for 50 years. You can guarantee that it wasn't plain sailing for them but the rewards are worth it.

Hi , I wasn’t given any choice in splitting, my ex had an affair . I did find single parenthood very difficult. I didn’t have to do split Christmases as he wasn’t interested. I didn’t meet someone else , who
raised dd2

How did it get to this point so soon after choosing to have kids together? Did something happen?

It doesn't sound great but you are right to think carefully about the alternative. Everyone does the maths and so much depends on how unbearable the existing marriage is, how hard a break would hit financially, whether there is a new relationship or the strong wish for one, the age of the children... generally what things would look like after. Many people don't want freedom enough to give up material security for themselves and their children, and that is a valid choice.

One thing I will say is that as your children get older, they will start to wonder about your relationship and it will be less easy to hide that all is not well.

I split but for different reasons.

It's worth it for me.

I was 33 and decided my marriage wasn't salvageable, and I wasn't prepared to live the rest of my life with him. I decided it wasn't worth marriage counselling because I couldn't change his personality.

This is the first year we are splitting Christmas more evenly. I'm still in the family home, but I was lucky enough to be able to buy him out. We don't have 50/50, he has EOW. No step parents involved, ex has had a number of relationships but none have ever met the kids. I'm single. I can't speak for my kids and the impact on them but they were 5 and 2 and barely remember us being together. If we had waited until they were older it would have been a lot worse.

Out of interest, would you say most of your conversations are about the children?

I was in a very miserable marriage but I would never have left for the reasons you site. In the end, by Exh left me for someone else! While it was horrendous at the time (just before Christmas) i can confirm: I am happier, I have a nicer house that I furnish my way, alternate Christmases are a challenge but we deal with it, I have learnt to enjoy times to myself, I have a new partner and I love my step kids. Its never ideal, and you have to answer yourself, I am a happier, healthier person which I hope will be a good example to my daughter.

There are a number of scientific studies which have asked this question and agree with you, OP, that in cases such as yours outcomes are better for the children if you stick together.

Some notes on interpreting studies. In the past, people would only divorce for very serious reasons such as abuse, alcoholism etc. Modern studies continue to show that in relationships with "high parental conflict" or "high adverse child experiences" (you can search for these terms to find studies), divorce is either beneficial or less detrimental for the children (it's a sliding scale).

In the last 2-3 decades it's become much more socially acceptable to divorce just to "find happiness" or similar, which you see written all over the replies here. There is a common saying that it's "better to model a happy and loving relationship for the children". This sounds nice but isn't borne out by research. It's better to model a stable and non-abusive relationship, but splitting up your current situation where your children feel happy, secure and see both parents regularly... Well, I'd do everything in my power to prevent that personally. The studies show that this cohort of children have overall detrimental outcomes in behaviour, academics and mental health.

How old is your youngest?
If they are 3 or under, things might change and improve as you both leave the toddler years behind.

You didn't make a decision in 2024, so give yourself more time. Say another two or three years? There is no rush. Decide when you are ready. In the meantime, try to fix the marriage and put yourself wholeheartedly into it.

On the other hand:
If you are going to split eventually but don't make a proper decision, most likely, one or other of you will have an affair - if that is the likely outcome, I recommend taking control and splitting gracefully before it comes to that.

I'll say one more thing. I'm divorced and remarried, although no children from my first marriage. In hindsight, although I'm very happy now, the issues I had with the first relationship probably were reconcilable, but everyone around me was so determined to be "supportive of my decisions", but no-one was determined to be supportive of my relationship. No-one gave me tips on how to help build a bond again or encouraged me to stick with it even when it was hard. At most I got suggestions to "just go to counselling". Please, try to find friends who want to help keep your family unit together and help you get back to a point where you enjoy time with your husband again. Maybe comedy night isn't it - but there will be something!

There wasn’t anything severely bad in my relationship (except a couple of incidents around sex and personal boundaries). But my resentment of him essentially being just another child to look after, and harder in many ways than the actual children, was absolutely going to have an effect on the kids. Never mind me as an individual, yes I am a parent first but that doesn’t mean my own wellbeing isn’t important if I’m going to be the best parent possible. My children deserve better than a half person who is a carer 99% of the time and has lost all individuality. But coparenting has actually worked out very well in my circumstances, obviously if the other parent (usually but not always the father) steadily drops out of the children’s lives that will have a negative effect. But it’s not up to women to put up with crap partners just for the sake of the children seeing them regularly.

But they’re not in a loving relationship. It’s not a ‘hard time’ she’s doesn’t love him.

I think it’s possible to be happy in that scenario though and also possible to get back to having a passionate relationship and falling back in love with your partner. Long term relationships often have bumps and then people get through them. It’s not “settling” to stick out the commitment you made when you got married and work through the rough parts.

Long term relationships go through ups and downs, I fully agree with that. In my experience, here’s what helps

• if you are unhappy with anything specific, have the hard talk with your DH and make it clear he needs to pull his weight or whatever it is that is bothering you
• focus on your own happiness. Your H isn’t there to make you happy, that’s your job and of course it gets neglected when you have young children; it can then lead to a general dissatisfaction but the reason for that is not your relationship
• try accepting the status quo for some time (rather than deciding whether or not to leave) and see how it feels.

Of course if you are still unhappy, you need to do what you need to do to change that.
But it is so easy to blame the other half or the fact that a relationship has changed for our own unhappiness that has often other root causes as well.