Is it always worth splitting? Aibu to think it's not.

[MyTeethHurt]

The alternate Christmases, the crappy house, the 5050 schedule, the step parents, the impact on the kids

Is it always worth it? There is No addiction, no adultery, just totally loveless.

I'm 36.

It doesn’t sound like a bad marriage to me (toxic, fighting, hate each other)

it sounds like you’ve lost intimacy and need counselling and a sexual therapist coach

In my opinion this isn't grounds for splitting. If you have a loving home and strong bond and relationship it's worth sticking to.

I can tell you as a single parent who walked away from a loveless and intensely negative marriage four years ago that I would give anything for my family unit to be back together.

Good luck OP. It's extremely difficult. Lots of people with suggest marriage counselling. This doesn't work in my opinion and there are a lot of crooks out there posing as therapists.

How long have you felt like this? I ask because I have known people in very long marriages go through bad patches that lasted years, only to come out absolutely fine on the other side. It may be possible to regain the interest you once had in each other.

Beyond this, a lot depends on your personal philosophy of life. I don't buy into relationships as a source of self-actualisation or fulfilment and I value stability hugely, so I'm probably willing to put up with a lot less romance than someone with a different point of view.

I don’t think it’s impossible to have laughter and enjoyment of life within a marriage that’s not a romantic relationship.

I suppose the definition of ‘loveless’ is really the crux of this, if it means cold hostility, anger, resentment or if it means peaceful coexistence with mutual respect.

Have you done much to try and save the marriage OP? Does he no you feel like this?

You can't know when you split up how it will turn out. It may be a literation and the beginning of more authentic life, even if that includes missing DC sometimes. Or it may be lonely and stressful and include missing your ex and wishing you were back together. It may include a wonderful new partner or no love interest at all. You have to go with what feels best for you and your children.

1. you might actually find someone you’re happy with
2. if #1 happens your children will have an example of what a healthy, loving and happy relationship looks like.

That’s a lot to gamble against what OP’s children already have - a very happy cheerful and stable family life with their mummy and daddy.

OP I think you need to give it a go and invest in couples counselling. You have nothing to lose.
I agree with some people here, it's salvageable.
But you need to invest time and money in it.
You said you need to make a decision one way of another. Please look for external help while trying to find what you are looking for.

Right now they are modelling mutual respect, cooperation, caring for their children, providing a “playful, silly, loving”household environment where their children are very happy and settled.
I would say that’s a successful partnership.

You have to weigh up the pros and cons. It's always a good idea to try but nobody can live in an empty relationship, and thrive, forever. There are different types of love, not all of them last.

Good luck.

I completely disagree with you. How long will Mummy and Daddy stay happy? Will they grow up to believe this loveless relationship is normal and settle for that? The thought of that for my children hurts my heart.

Not only that but OP has a right to be happy as well.

Again, I completely disagree with you. How long can this last?

I guess some are happy to settle. I wouldn’t be. I’m so glad I didn’t my children are so happy and so am I.

I think it's worth trying to stick it out and see. The children are very young, you could be naturally worn out and need a bit of time to see if things improve. Love changes over time, naturally and kids are a big test of that.

I don't think it's always worth splitting up a family and all the hassle of divorce/finances/split special occasions/future blended families, if the marriage isn't all that bad and might be salvageable.

It's ok to need a bit of space and time for yourself within the marriage, if you can have that somehow without splitting up yet see if that makes any difference.

If you're looking for another partner though...that's where it becomes difficult and you would have to split. You're definitely young enough, but being single and on the dating scene is no picnic and there's no guarantee of success.

IMO there can be positives in trying to make the most of things...co-parenting under the same roof, keeping things stable for the kids and for your finances etc. But only you know if that can really sit right with you and whether it's worth it for you personally,

My siblings and I wished our parents hadn't divorced. The split Christmases were so sad. We felt ripped in two a lot although have never told either parent this. It was the step families afterwards that also caused us so much stress and unhappiness. So if you can remain single after divorce and think you will be happier alone for it! Or wait til your kids are adults before remarrying.

Ok so I missed one of your follow up posts. I agree with the other posters suggesting you really reflect on what might be possible to change within your marriage as there could be something salvageable here.

I think it runs deeper than this though. Loveless is not what you want to be modelling to your kids. Healthy relationships are. They will definitely notice, if not now, certainly down the line.

How does one go from choosing him to father your children less than six years ago to living like polite strangers and feeling relieved at the notion of adultery? It always boggles my mind. Did you marry before knowing one another well or ??

They probably won’t notice until they are adults. Until then they’ll just see two parents behaving in the same way as their friends’ parents. Kids don’t see the romance between their parents.

I'm kind of thinking this too. If it was 10 years of this polite non-intimacy I could understand but you were close enough to have 2 children less than 6 years ago so maybe there is a way to get back on track.

honestly even for the happiest marriages having children is like a bomb going off in the middle of it and everything rearranges a bit. You sound like lovely parents and your home does sound happy - I'd do a lot to save that tbh. Do you have any interest in even rekindling a friendship with this man? Do you know how he feels about it?

A study was done on long marriages a few years ago and the researches asked happily married couples who’d been together for decades what the secret was.

They expected to hear lovey dovey stories and so on, but the most common response was a variation on “we never wanted to get divorced at the same time”.

It was “at the same time” that struck me. Ups and downs are a normal part of a long relationship.

I felt like you OP, when our kids were small.

We stuck it out and decided to work on our marriage. Love really can be reignited, if you have had a sincere attraction in the past.

Im so glad I didn’t walk away. We’ve just celebrated our 40th anniversary and I would be lost without him.

Once upon a time you loved each other so much that you got married and had kids. Presumably in the full conviction that your commitment was for life. Did you think it would be romance and rainbows all the way through?
Probably a lot less than a decade after your wedding have the two of you changed so much that you can no longer even remember what that felt like? if you’re able to co-exist peaceably, there’s no abuse or drama or volatility and you are maintaining a happy, loving home for your children then I believe your relationship is worth saving. It’s absolutely worth a try.
If you haven’t really given your best shot at reigniting the flame then if you went ahead with a split and came the regret it down the line how would you feel about not having really tried?
Dh and I have been together since we were teenagers and in 30 years we have changed a lot and we have had plenty of ups and downs. Kids, work, life in general grinds you down and it’s so very, very easy to lose sight of one another. But, we have always pulled ourselves together one way or another and it’s been well worth it. We are stronger for every time we have to do it. I have no doubt we will have to do it again and again in the years to come, that is the nature of long marriage/relationships. It’s naive to imagine it won’t be tough at times.