Is this lovebombing?

[Namechangeforme88]

So I've heard the term before, but I'm not sure if it fits this situation or if I'm just cold hearted.

Met a guy at work about 6 weeks ago, swapped numbers, had great chats, he's funny and kind and we seemed to have stuff in common. Arranged a date last week. Went well, had a small kiss at the end.

But since then I feel like he's been laying it on super thick. Some things he's said -

I'd give anything in the world to be there with you - after he asked for a pic and I sent him one of me in pj's going to bed

After a mildly flirty message he said- when we do finally do it, its going to be very emotional.

Would love to give you a shoulder massage, but it would have to be from the front so I could look into your eyes - when I said my shoulders were hurting

I can't wait to hold you in my arms - just woke up to this message

You're perfect in every way, inside and out - again out of nowhere, when he doesn't really know me

You've been quiet lately, everything ok? - when I didn't text back because I was in a meeting

I feel like I'm losing you- haven't replied to that one at all

I've been used to quite stand off ish men in the past and I've not dated in a very long time, so not sure if I'm out of touch but this just seems way over the top.

I would be really put off by those messages. Just tell him you have had a change of heart and wish him all the best and block. You don't owe him anything.

Love bombing without a doubt
I feel like I'm losing you is creepy too

Sorry OP but for me personally that is such a huge turn off. I am cringing at the messages and I didn't even send them...

Ewww creepy.
“ that’s enough now, please stop”
keep everything, screen shot in case he deletes & go to HR/management if he sends anything else. In fact I think you should show them it anyway just as a heads up in case he does it to someone else in the company, or maybe already has & is already on final warning for such behaviour 🙄
We should not have to put up with this shit. It’s his shame not yours.

I only got to message #2 and was running... he sounds creepy af. But then I clam up when people are overly performative with their feelings, and that's my own issue.

I've always wondered why people get involved with people from work, but didn't think this was an issue as he was from a different department and had only seen him twice the whole time I've worked there, however he's popping up constantly in my department now. I feel like such an idiot. He's also sent a photo of himself in the shower tonight and I nearly gipped. He knows roughly where I live, but not the street or anything like that.

I think you should message him -
'The volume and content of your messages is making me uncomfortable. Please stop messaging me now'.

Then you will have it on record that he knows his messages are unwelcome.

What's you gut feeling about whether the slow fade approach will work OP? Do you think given another week or so you backing off will have the desired effect or he's unlikely to get the message? If the latter I wonder given your work situation if it's better to just rip the plaster off and tell him straight so that if anything escalates at work you can evidence that you were clear early on that you were not comfortable. By not being direct he may have an argument that he didn't realise his approach was unwelcome.

I heard a great quote the other day of "a problem deferred is a problem amplified" but appreciate given the work relationship it could go either way.

Fucking hell OP he sounds like he’s getting a bit obsessed… is he intentionally popping up in your department now with hopes of bumping into you?

I’d send him a message like @Noseybookworm said above. You need to spell it out, if he doesn’t stop after that I’d be reporting him to HR at work.

OP, I highly advise you do what some of the other previous posters have said and tell him clearly you wish him to stop contacting you. If (unfortunately I think it will be a case of 'when', rather than 'if') he then contacts you again - report him to the police. You will be able to show that you have made it abundantly clear to him that his persistence is not welcome. Seriously. He sounds utterly unhinged, creepy and obsessed. And tell HR so they are aware.

Keep a log of all contact attempts he tried to make, whatever the method.

Do not mean to sound OTT but it sounds like he does not give a damn about boundaries. Men like this are potentially very dangerous.

Would it be possible for this dickhead to find out where you live via work or any other method? Lock all your social media down too, if it's not already.

What sort of "photo in the shower"?!!

He sent you a pic of himself in the shower?

He needs to stop, it's sounding like harassment tbh

What's you gut feeling about whether the slow fade approach will work OP?

^

Slow fade clearly not working

Text him back : don't contact me again

“Hi Patrick. I had a nice time on our date last week but it’s becoming clear to me that we’re on different pages in terms of what we’re looking for in a relationship. I’m sorry, but I’d like to end things here. I can assure you that our professional relationship will be completely unaffected. Laura.”

I would go further, placing on record the photo he's sent.

"your messages have been making me increasingly uncomfortable.

your latest, including a photo of you in the shower, makes me feel threatened. It is very inappropriate. Please desist from contacting me again, with immediate effect"

OP he sounds like he needs to be brought back to reality very very quickly. You said yourself that he's more senior than you and that you worry he could have a negative impact on your career. This is classic harrassment, you should not have to put up with his unwanted attention. A man would not have to worry about their career by rejecting someone's attention.

i would get it lodged with HR so they have a record, in case he turns nasty.

Oh it looks like you might have met my ex. Run, run, run. Classic lovebombing and yes, grooming you to provide photos, videos and stuff to fuel his insecure, massive ego on demand. I fell for it, got into a relationship, he turned out to be your classic narcissist and I'm still dealing with the fallout. Well done for recognising this. Wish I had done and someone had warned me

This is spot on. The shoulder massage 🤢

Tell him it's a bit much and can you take things slower and see if he can respect that (spoiler he won't)

Sorry just seen update. You need to make it clear you don't think you're compatible for a romantic relationship.

They’re not normal messages. It’s giving me massive ick. Run run 🏃🏼‍♀️ and keep running. He’s a horror show.

It was just his face and shoulders and chest, but I find that really personal and made me feel funny.

@Cardinalita90 i really thought me not replying would give him some indication that I'm not as keen as him, but it just seems to have spurred him on!

Since I started to phase him out, he's now popped up on fb messenger and whatsapp, and wants to invite me and my daughter to a wedding hes going to!!!! I really wish I hadn't ever spoken to him.

I'm saving everything as people have suggested.

I don't think 'phasing out' works in this kind of situation. You need to be very clear and tell him to stop.

Since I started to phase him out, he's now popped up on fb messenger and whatsapp, and wants to invite me and my daughter to a wedding hes going to!!!! I really wish I hadn't ever spoken to him.

Gosh, he sounds like he really lacks both self-awareness and other-awareness, not to mention very poor understanding of boundaries (who the hell would introduce their child to someone they’d been on one date with, let alone attend a wedding as some kind of pseudo-family together) and he is going to need to be told very very clearly.

I don't think people like this really do taking hints or phasing out.

I've backed off considerably and told him I'm not looking for anything deep and not ready for the kind of relationship he seems to want

This is very clear to most people, but not these types. It's already leading to pursuit and persistence. "Not looking for anything deep" = he will read that you ARE still looking for something and that he can provide it. "the kind of relationship he seems to want" = he will tell you you've misunderstood him, he'll take it slow blah blah. You are not using blunt language and you need to be blunt. Tell him one time very clearly you are not interested. No wishy washy language, no letting down gently. If he continues after that (he will) that is harassment.

Out of interest how did you respond to the shower pic? Because if it was anything other than telling him you don't want him sending pics of himself, then there will be more and worse incoming. That's not your fault, but anything other than NO he will take as yes.

You need to finish this clearly. You don't need to offend him or anything. Just say it's not working.

If he contacts you again, ask him to stop contacting you. At this point you can get HR involved, as there have recently been very specific changes to sexual harassment in the workplace where your employer needs to be proactive