To feel absolutely pathetic that I can't manage full time work

[Gerrymandering1]

I increased my hours at work to 32 a few months ago (so not even full time) from 3 days. I feel as though I'm not coping with things since I did this.

Our youngest has ASD and requires extra care and support compared to a usual 9 Yr old. The eldest seems to be going off the rails now. Husband has chronic kidney disease and is so tired constantly. I've been needing him to do more with me not being here and feel awful.

Maybe a wfh job would work but this job is constantly out of the house all day.

We could manage financially, u just feel I should be able to cope with these hours.

You have a lot going on it isn’t a surprise you feel like this.

i think there comes a time when you have to listen to your ‘self’ and not live according to the ‘shoulds’.

If three days was the point where you thrived rather than survived - that is worth more than money.

Why should you be able to cope? It sounds exhausting to me. It sounds like you're a caregiver not just for your children, but for your husband, and you work 32 hours a week. Anyone would be tired and fed up with a grind like that.

I don’t know any couples with young kids where both work full time, and if the one who doesn’t, does work outside the house at all, it is for less than 32 hours a week. So you are doing more hours than most I know!

I think you are pretty amazing given those circumstances to even manage 32 hours!
I only do 30, and them hybrid (some wfh and some in office), and I don't have the other caring responsibilities you have.
When my children were younger and having issues I wasn't even working and was still incredibly stressed.

Thank you both. I'm just not coping at all. I just feel like I'm neglecting my family now as I'm so exhausted. I've stopped exercising ans cooking so feel dreadful.
I've just applied for DLA for the youngest so that might come through. I just managed so much better doing three days.
I'll speak to my manager tomorrow who will not be happy but I'm not coping like this.

surprised you manage to work that much. mine are older, both ASD (one with severe learning diff on top) and appointments, no wrap around child care, no school holiday childcare. nada. I assume it's the same across the country so doing 32h is an achievement.

I agree it sounds exhausting. If you can afford it reduce your hours further. 32 hours is quite a lot for part-time.

I took this new job as I was told it was flexible and able to do a couple of school pick ups a week but I'm out on the road til after 5.30 most days, lots of driving.
I could probably save at least 200 from not buying takeaways and actually meal planning again.

I only voted yabu as anyone would find that tough. Full time work is demanding...so arekids and ill husbands. You are not pathetic. Drop some hours.
I do ft and struggle as the houae is a mess etc.

Hugs OP. You have an awful lot to manage x

Don't feel ashamed OP. You've tried it, and that's commendable. It sounds as though it's not working for you, which is completely understandable if you have a ND child and an unwell husband too, not to mention a second child who may need a bit of extra attention at the moment. I found full time work hard without any of those additional things going on.

If finances would allow, can you either try to reduce hours again, or consider looking for a different job that is fewer hours/hybrid remote?

I might have got my vote the wrong way around - I voted yaBU because no, it's completely reasonable to not be able to cope with all you've got on!

Take it back to 3 days. Burning yourself out helps no-one (not even your job, although they don't always see it that way)

Why is 35-40 hours a week an ideal that you feel you must measure up to? There's no reason. If it's about money then I get it, but it's not some standard template that you're deficient if it doesn't fit with your life.

It sounds like you're approaching burnout, if you're not there already. You have such a lot going on! Are you doing domiciliary care work ( you say you're on the road)? If so, when they say it's flexible it means flexible for them!
You'll read on this forum about all the people who work full time and have children and manage to do xyz on top, but in reality people do what works best for them. Some people do have to manage all the things, and some even thrive on it, but there are many of us who manage better with a really good work/life balance, which may mean less money coming in.
Do what's right for you and your family!

I voted you are being unreasonable......but I think I read the poll wrong? You have an awful lot going on.....it's mad to think you could cope with more hours. Stop being hard in yourself and start taking care of yourself.....its vital you do this for everyone.

Talk to your manager. Takeaways are not good for CKD. Put yourself and your family first.

You're not unreasonable.
Of course you're exhausted.

I think you should stop being so hard on yourself.

Be kind to yourself as if you were your own best friend. You have a lot to cope with & you are not pathetic at all.

You’re not pathetic. You have so so so much on your plate, it’s highly likely that most people would struggle in your situation. You’re no good to anybody once you’re burnt out. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

The youngest is 9 so probably Y5. Most people would work at least 30 hours that I know, they're not babies and can help out.

Op i went back to work part time circa 19 hours a week after maternity leave. Took redundancy a few months later because the routine was hell and I hated it. You live your life. Feel no judgement from anyone else - it’s your life. The point is health and happiness. Not to earn good money for someone else, a pittance for yourself, whilst sacrificing your own health and well being. Looking after your family is a valid choice! Don’t live your life on the fake version of equality that us women have today - that we can and really should have it all; a great career and a fabulously wholesome motherhood. You can choose your own balance and your choice is valid!

🙄🙄🙄 seriously, was there any need for that. On this post. Read the room.

That sounds really hard. So much pressure hope you can reduce your hours.

I am feeling similar and feeling a failure after a similar thread took a very different direction. I have secondary kids but they're both ND and I'm looking at assessment. I'm also actively looking for wfh jobs but it's so hard to change careers into something part time.

I've been awake last might weighing up hours and money (not a high income family) and this thread is helping me see I just can't do more than 3.5 days currently.