To feel absolutely pathetic that I can't manage full time work

[Gerrymandering1]

I increased my hours at work to 32 a few months ago (so not even full time) from 3 days. I feel as though I'm not coping with things since I did this.

Our youngest has ASD and requires extra care and support compared to a usual 9 Yr old. The eldest seems to be going off the rails now. Husband has chronic kidney disease and is so tired constantly. I've been needing him to do more with me not being here and feel awful.

Maybe a wfh job would work but this job is constantly out of the house all day.

We could manage financially, u just feel I should be able to cope with these hours.

I totally hear you OP, I work 31.5 hours a week, have 3 kids, 1 of whom has various disabilities, my husband travels for work a lot, we have way too many pets and it feels like too much.

I know other people can do it all, but I am finding it too much. I feel like I am drowning.

I was hoping to drop my hours when we finally get NDIS (I’m in Australia) for DD as we spend A LOT of money on her issues specifically at the moment. But with the cost of living going through the roof here, I don’t know if that is actually feasible. Maybe if DH gets a promotion…

I do 18.5 hours in a similar situation to you op, and I feel like superwoman! Caring is hard even if it’s not always recognised as work by society, so you don’t need to feel guilty. You’re already doing seven days a week!
With respect, I wouldn’t necessarily listen to people who aren’t in your position. They may be well meaning but unless you’re actually living the life of juggling your children’s additional needs, your husband’s health issues, your job and, last but not least, your own needs, it’s very hard to envisage the challenges and exhaustion it brings.
In an ideal world we’d all earn enough to retire on a fat pension but as you know, life doesn’t always go to plan and we adapt. You’re doing a great job under difficult circumstances; don’t drain your resources with unwarranted worry and guilt.

This this this.

Do what works for you and your family, if you can. And don’t feel guilty about it.

I don't know loads of people where both parents work ft or approaching ft. Those that do normally have at least one parent who works from home or has a lot of flexibility in other ways. Or they have a lot of wider family help. Or they are in very well paid careers where the work is well remunerated and allows them to outsource domestic responsibilities to mitigate the lack of time they spend at home.

Children in yr 4, even without any ND, can't be left at home alone, can't get themselves to and from school without an adult, need support with reading and spelling home work, need meals cooking for them etc. Sure, they can "help" but that comes in the form of putting their own shoes and coat on, filling their own water bottle etc. They can't help with significant chores that help the household to function.

It serves no one well to pretend that the parents of young children can work as if those children don't exist and have no needs.

Some people, particularly those with more challenging lives and disadvantages, have to work ft out of the house every day regardless of whatever else is going on for them. This is really hard and has negative consequences for those people and their families. Pretending it is standard and has no knock on effects is untruthful and unhelpful.

You are not far off full time hours. 32 a week is only three hours short of full time for most places.

I'm really sorry you are feeling so exhausted but it isn't surprising.

I know every penny counts at the moment (it did with me when I was younger and worked part-time), but could you afford a cleaner once a fortnight? I had that and it really was worth the expense, honestly. It was lovely to come home to a clean, fresh-smelling house and it is surprising how long that fortnightly clean lasted. I know someone who had a once a month cleaner and it made a difference to their life.

You must get something out of working, it should not have to all go into the household and relieving you and your sick husband of housework would be a wonderful thing.

He might be able to claim PIP or DLA, whatever it is nowadays, and I presume you get family allowance.

You need to be well, op, and if you're worrying about housework piling up, you will not be.

I do wish you every good fortune.

How old are you OP? I felt like this when I started peri. The exhaustion and anxiety are insane. I’m still working 50+ hour weeks and have a primary and secondary age child, but I have a fully-functioning helpful dh, a cleaner and I had to take three months off between jobs to recover from my last job.

‘Full time work’ hasn’t changed since the days husbands had a full time housewife at home. I honestly don’t think it’s feasible now that the norm is both parents working. There’s also a lot more parental involvement in schooling and extra curricular activities than I remember from when I was a child!

As long as you can afford to live, I think you should work however many hours works for you. It sounds like you shoulder a lot of responsibility for caring for your family, so there’s no benefit in running yourself into the ground because it benefits everyone for you to keep yourself well, mentally and physically.

I am in a similar situation of working very part time - having always been pretty high achieving and driven, it feels a bit wrong to me - but I know working more wouldn’t make me any happier, because home life would suffer.

It all depends how invested you are in what you do IMO. Some people are 'copers', and may do so by getting by with an instinct for minimum input from themself while being adept to get others to do the work.
Your post shows you are empathetic and conscientious and want to do the best job you can. Is that maybe why you struggle more than you imagine others would? Aside from the fact you also seem to be a perfectionist and expect yourself to do the impossible.....
Also depends on your job of course, as well as your other support systems, travel to work time, whether your kids are in private school with longer hours etc etc.. I guess you don't have family 'round the corner'?

@Gerrymandering1 OP I'm a sahm with older kids (11 and 14). My eldest is ASD, my husband has an irregular job where he could be home one week and gone the next. Noone else but me could handle my eldest, not even devoted Mil (not more than a couple of hours). He is really difficult (not his fault) and although he's got schooling partially I could not possibly work unless it was tailormade the hours he's out of the house.
So I am not working at all and yet I am exhausted, drained by my DS disability I would say. We can manage financially because we are careful with expenses. Stop comparing yourself with others! Nobody knows your situation better than you. You have to think about your health in order to be able to care for your family. They are number one so you are number one as well. ❤️

Batch cooking is really useful: pop food into boxes and freeze them. No more takeaways! Very best wishes 🌹

If OP didn't have a child with ASD and a husband with a disability (or even only one of those) I would agree but the demands those place means she actually needs the time as there are things that cannot really be outsourced and the mental load is higher. It's not just time to get the cooking and hoovering done.

Although to be quite honest what would have suited me best would have been 5 days but shorter hours. I had to stay out of work totally for longer than I would have liked as one of my ASD kids just could not handle longer hours out of the house and finding work that fit exactly into school hours was like hens' teeth.

Well you’ve got a lot going on.

Maybe try gousto or hello fresh- healthier and cheaper alternative but no thinking or much prepping required. I would also look for a remote job or hybrid at least in your shoes. What industry do you work in? I'm in finance if i can help at all. Good luck OP

Has your DH checked he's entitled to any help? PIP? any UC?
You have a lot on your plate, try doing a budget and see how much you can manage in without being too restrictive and see if it allows a reduction in hours, you only have so much to give.

@Outtherelookingin
Hello fresh is cooking from scratch, there's little time saved there

It's not. It's all weighed, measured, prepped etc. I personally use gousto and there are 200 recipes, we often use the 10 minute ones or the pasta pronto etc where there is very little to do. Of course there will be some minor cooking involved but it's preferable to unhealthy ready meals or takeaways which are full of crap and cost a fortune.

I completely understand. I am the same absolutely exhausted and struggling, my husband has cancer, one of my teens has a bowel disease and is in a massive flare, and my dad is very poorly, I do work full time, from home if I was out of the house and in the office I would not be able to cope.

I am broken - physically and emotionally.

I know things will get better I am desperately hoping

I am trying to outsource a lot of things but the reality is I can’t afford to keep it up

If you work for govt your pension will be better than 90% of people's I should think!

Yanbu to reduce your hours. I'm currently doing 30 and considering dropping to 26/27 as I'm struggling. Similar to you, child with extra needs. DH is great but works long hours.

32 hours is a lot with everything you have going on. I do 22 over 4 days with no real pressures other than the typical school run drama where nobody gets ready and I'm exhausted! I don't want to increase my hours until at least one child is more self sufficient.

Who says full time is the goal we should be looking to achieve anyway, nobody would ever work full time if they didn't need to financially. I've never heard anybody say that if they won the lottery they would work full time and never outsource anything to make life easier. It's always that they would quit their job/hire a cleaner/nanny etc.

You're doing great however many hours you work.

32 hours is a lot with everything you have going on. I do 22 over 4 days with no real pressures other than the typical school run drama where nobody gets ready and I'm exhausted! I don't want to increase my hours until at least one child is more self sufficient.

Who says full time is the goal we should be looking to achieve anyway, nobody would ever work full time if they didn't need to financially. I've never heard anybody say that if they won the lottery they would work full time and never outsource anything to make life easier. It's always that they would quit their job/hire a cleaner/nanny etc.

You're doing great however many hours you work.

You’re not lazy! You know this deep down. Stop beating yourself up to be superhuman and allow yourself to also need help care and support. You’ve got loads on your plate so running yourself into the ground AND berating yourself on top of it is just a massive act of self-harm.

That’s a lot to juggle if your job isn’t just out of your home but requires a lot of driving in unfamiliar areas, which is stressful and tiring.

Confide in your manager, as they may be able to help reduce the stress until you can find another job that’s home or office-based. I’m a manager and would try to make reasonable adjustments.

Check on Citizen’s Advice website to make sure you’re claiming all the benefits you’re entitled to.

This won’t last forever, when the kids are older it does get easier. Hang in there.

I do 34 hours. Two dc, 9 and 7. Dh does full time shift work. It only works well as the dc have no additional needs, my mum picks them up from school a couple of times a week, I can work at home a couple of days and the office is anwady 20 min commute.

With a child with additional needs, a teen who might need a bit more time spent with them, it sounds like a struggle. If you can afford to work fewer hours then discuss it with work. If you are civil service perhaps raise the possibility of a jobshare?

You could cope with the hours if you didn't have a child with additional needs, a husband with a long term health condition and all office days. So the reasons you are not coping are nothing to do with your competence and everything to do with your circumstances. You are doing a fantastic job juggling paid work with the rest of your life. Do not feel even slightly bad at needing to do reduced hours.

People may not be voting right - within the thread title YABU for regarding yourself as pathetic. YANBU for feeling exhausted (in fact you're amazing). Judging from comments at least 99% of us agree with you!