To feel absolutely pathetic that I can't manage full time work

[Gerrymandering1]

I increased my hours at work to 32 a few months ago (so not even full time) from 3 days. I feel as though I'm not coping with things since I did this.

Our youngest has ASD and requires extra care and support compared to a usual 9 Yr old. The eldest seems to be going off the rails now. Husband has chronic kidney disease and is so tired constantly. I've been needing him to do more with me not being here and feel awful.

Maybe a wfh job would work but this job is constantly out of the house all day.

We could manage financially, u just feel I should be able to cope with these hours.

And agree with batch cooking. I’m a lone parent and work full-time. I make double the amount every time I make curry, chilli, pasta sauce etc, then I have a stack of ready meals.

Also, might not work, but try to get the kids to help you cook. It can keep them occupied, help you bond and they learn how to cook. Same with other household chores, if you stick some music on and tackle them together, like tidying a room, they often quite enjoy it at that age. I used to get mine to sort the washing into whites and darks etc.

We have a toxic culture that only values paid work rather than the usually more important unpaid work.

You are doing loads of unpaid work.

You are more than your job.

I work 22.5 hours, single parent I have 3 of my 4 at home and youngest has complex needs and on reduced timetable at school and even then I’m exhausted totally drained. People have asked how I’m still working and I’m not sure. I can’t afford to lessen my hours or stop so I just continue on, work thankfully are supportive with appointments and meetings, but I try to schedule the majority on days I’m off, there are some that I can’t but they are fine with that. I feel in limbo relying partly on benefits. So if you’re pathetic so are the rest of us, but seriously it’s tough working and being a mum and having a child with needs, I hope you can find a solution soon but please don’t think you’re alone or you are less as you’re not,

Yes sorry, what I meant was that I found 30 hours harder than 37.5 and say that 30 hours is the worst “balance” so add in all the other pressures, I think 22-24 hours would be more realistic.

I recently applied for a job which would have been a 39 hour week, as compared to my current 30 and I felt sick at the thought. So I negotiated them down to 35 hours which they were happy with, but then I still eventually turned them down as I just couldn't fit everything in. I'm kicking myself at losing out on a good opportunity, but you can only do so much. I'm up til midnight most nights with things to do, then up at 6.30 to get everyone up and out. There's only so much you can do without completely burning out, so don't feel bad OP, you are doing enough.

Don't beat yourself up, it sounds like you've got more than enough plates to juggle already. Look after yourself. My DC are NT and I found juggling FTW/homelife hard enough when they were little (XH had his own problems and was really no help). Please be kind to yourself x

Not sure I voted right! But YANBU unable to cope. I work 30 hours and I feel on the edge constantly.

It’s not that you can’t cope, it’s that your family need you during those hours and are not coping themselves. Be kind to yourself.

I think this is the real problem with 4 days - managers don't really treat it as part time at all, they just expect you to do 5 days work in 4 and get paid less!

I have a child with ASD and mental health problems, and the admin and appointments and emotional support could be a full time job in itself. It's exhausting, especially if your DC like many kids with ASD is a poor sleeper. Add in an unwell husband and it's no wonder you're struggling. If you don't need the money desperately, do yourself a favour and go back to 3 days. Sod disappointing your manager - they'd cut your hours in a heartbeat if it suited the business, so don't run yourself ragged and impact your health for their benefit.

Keep in mind that 30 yrs ago the ‘normal’ was considered to be a stay at home parent, not two full time working parents.

And pre Covid - the ‘normal’ was that working hours plus the full commute time needed child care arrangements.

This flexible juggling thing is a very new phenomena, and in reality it doesn’t actually work for many people.

You’re being realistic, and trying to hold decent standards in your parenting, family life and work. That’s admirable. People who claim to do the lot almost always aren’t. Generally because they’ve got jobs that aren’t overly demanding.

You are not pathetic at all. You sound amazing, working and trying to do the best for your family. I bet you are rarely able to prioritize yourself.

I have 3 kids, 1 is ND, as I am. I work full time and have no family support BUT I have a full time live in nanny and a cleaner. I have no idea how I would cope without. So I think the fact that you have done it until now is incredible.

I also couldn't manage full time work and haven't worked full time since having children. I've always found the talk boards here are really toxic when it comes to this issue.

100% this.

Flexible working from Covid has lots of benefits but it also means blurred lines and more stress in some cases.

No need for this at all.

OP you are doing amazing. Take it back to 3 days if you can.

Jobs used to be 9-5! These days many of them are 8-6….which is really horrible but somehow have become normalised.

The best I could get was 8-5.. I’ll admit it I am shattered!

Similar situation here and I've resigned. I'm in my notice period now. Money will be tighter but I'm hoping I can dedicate the time to my children that they need - something I'm not doing now.

I only work 24 hours and I'm exhausted. I can just about juggle the work hours around family, but it's the mental load that wears me down. All seemingly simple things on their own, like remembering to book after school clubs or the dentist, but they pile up in to a huge mountain of things that I'm constantly thinking about. Even when "relaxing" watching TV, I'm on my phone getting car insurance quotes, sending childcare payments, researching Christmas presents, organising play dates. My mind never gets a break, I feel like I need a full time PA just to organise normal every day family life!

Nearly everyone I know does, I don't think comparisons are helpful because everyone's situation is different.

If you can cope financially on fewer hours, you should definitely do that - it doesn't have to be forever. I'm a lone parent and stuck in a FT job I can't stand any more. I'd love to get a new job, but the extra money (and even job satisfaction) would mean less time with my child, even less time for myself and more stress and that's a cost I'm not prepared to pay.

I tell myself it's not forever. At the moment, this is how life is for you - it doesn't mean that it'll always be. We all have limits, don't put yourself under more pressure.

How much can children with ASD be expected to help out? My son is 9 with autism. He can't read. He can't walk outside without me holding him incase he ran into the road. He doesn't sleep through the night. I know I'm not alone, with other parents experiencing the same or worse. You sound extremely ignorant (at best).

I agree with what you say generally.

But it’s not the case that 30 years ago it was normal for one parent to stay at home. In the 1990s, 43% of mothers with children under 5 years old worked. And was likely higher for mothers of older kids.

And even in 1975, 49% of couples with children had both parents in work. There were plenty of ‘latch key kids’.

It’s always been common for working class mothers to have to work outside the home (in shops, factories, mills, cafes etc) to make ends meet and have their own income. Both my grandmothers did, despite having three kids each.

I haven't got half as much on my plate and I'm on 3 days a week. I bloody love it! I may go back up when circumstances change, but for now I'm going to enjoy a bit of breathing space in my paid work.

I voted YABU because of course you shouldn't feel pathetic - you're doing a hell of a lot!

Thank you everyone. I've had a little sob to myself. I didn't speak to my manager today as she seemed stressed but will in the next week. If I just knew a date when this would end then I would be so relieved.
I do really like to do a good job at work and find it hard to switch off. I could put my all into 3 days of work but not 4. The drop in income should be made up by DLA when it comes through and we're not on the breadline anyway thankfully.
I do need to do what's right for my family over what work want. If they can't offer me the three days I'll ask to be moved to another department who can. A bit of hybrid would be amazing to be honest rather than being out all day.

And yes to whoever asked, I'm also perimenopausal which isn't helping my coping with it all.

I'm perimenopausal too - it's made such a difference going to 3 days. Good for you being proactive and looking after yourself.