To feel absolutely pathetic that I can't manage full time work

[Gerrymandering1]

I increased my hours at work to 32 a few months ago (so not even full time) from 3 days. I feel as though I'm not coping with things since I did this.

Our youngest has ASD and requires extra care and support compared to a usual 9 Yr old. The eldest seems to be going off the rails now. Husband has chronic kidney disease and is so tired constantly. I've been needing him to do more with me not being here and feel awful.

Maybe a wfh job would work but this job is constantly out of the house all day.

We could manage financially, u just feel I should be able to cope with these hours.

I'm going against the grain here. I found part time work sucked. At work you do as much as the full-timers or only slightly less and at home you feel you should be super woman dealing with everything because you are "only" part-time.

Full-time was easier and is easier. Suddenly subcontracting domestic stuff is easily justifiable: cleaner, ironer, more childcare, good quality ready meals. I worked full time from when dd was nearly 7 albeit locally. It was so much easier.

Whilst there may not be visibly more money in your purse, you will be doing your pension and retirement all sorts of favours.

You say you work part time but you don't do you? It's just a lot of it is unpaid!

Bringing up DC with ASD and supporting them in a mainstream school is a lot of extra work. My DH is in good health but my god the work it takes behind the scenes to keep him and DD pointing forwards?I am 99% sure he's ASD too).

Hang in there sister. Your time and wellbeing matters too. Put your own oxygen mask on first!

I voted YABU because your title said AIBU to feel pathetic, you are being very hard on yourself. Just say it’s not working for you, you need to do fewer hours and then you’ll be able to make a success of the role

I don't disagree in some circumstances @RosesAndHellebores but it depends on the type of work and the person and the employer. Some might say there are tax advantages (I earn more than DH proportionally as have been able to avoid higher rate tax).

I've been a part time teacher for nearly 15 years now and as long as you have good boundaries it's better because no-one can force you to work on your days off so it "caps" the hours at 40ish rather than them creeping up to 50ish.

Plus you can't easily subcontract SEN and medical stuff as a lot of stuff needs doing personally. So you don't have to put off e.g. a GP appointment for 2 months.

I work full time in a similar situation w Fibromyalgia+ASD husband and suspected ASD kids.

What motivates me to keep with full time is the knowledge that my H will eventually need to stop working. CKD is progressive do you need to build a career to become the breadwinner too? Obviously if you don’t need the money, ditch the hours and go easier on yourself. Is a job with driving the right job? It does sound especially knackering.

I think there is a massive transition needed going up in days. I’ve just moved and cooking etc has been haphazard but I’m getting back all my hacks and back into batch cooking. If you would benefit from the money/career, give yourself a few more weeks before you decide 💐.

Batch cooking, slow cooker etc. definitely well worth looking out.

Depends how her child's ASD presents, doesn't it?

Don’t be hard on yourself, you have a lot on. It sounds like you can make savings in some other areas with less aggravation to your work life balance.
Who is to say how many hours full time work is anyway? This is all a construct of society and lives won’t fit into that construct exactly. You are making it work for you fabulously within your difficult circumstances. Give yourself a pat on the back

There's part time and part time. For it to work, you need an employer who understands that part time wages mean part time hours. I've always been lucky, but a lot of people on here seem to have had the opposite experience.

YY re taxes too. If it is caring work, 3 days probably used up just about all OPs personal allowance. The 4th and 5th days will have a lower hourly rate.

I was replying to the person who said they didn't know of any families where both worked full time if OP can't manage then the sensible thing is to cut her work hours but look at how things work at home first, could dc and dh do more to make things ruh more smoothly.

Is there any chance of changing your hours to work 4 days with mid week day off it would allow extra day to manage household stuff like meal planning, batch cooking freezer meals, washing etc, when I had young ish child I wanted the weekend to spend quality time with them, we had busy lives with activities etc, that’s what I found hard working all week by the weekend I didn’t want to have to squeeze in all the extra life stuff like cooking, cleaning and washing/ ironing at the weekend when we could be doing much more fun stuff.

I work 35 and three days from home and its difficult sometimes and I don't have any of the challenges you do. I'm not surprised you're finding it difficult with all that going on and when there is no wfh days. If your manager isn't supportive or isn't happy knowing all you have going on, then they're a dick. What area do you work in? I work for local government and most roles are hybrid now.

Where does the pressure to work more come from? I wonder. Is it just you have seen friends pick up longer hours as their children got older or chat in mumsnet/papers. Your partner.

I am in a simikar position (asd child and working part time to cope, husband has mental health not physical health issue though)

I have felt some sort of society pressure to work more and mumsnet pension chat makes me very stressed. I realised that the fact someone else manages in totally different circumstances doesn't mean I can manage in mine and if I have a heart attack from trying to do everything I won't need thd bigger pension anyway.

I do agree with pp that sometimes full time work means you can outsource cleaning, food prep etc and that is worth considering. but I also think some things with asd, teens going of the rails and a sick husband aren't very outourcable. Like stress and worry. So if part time means you get to go to the gym, and you actually enjoy making healthy food etc its ok to take time to manage the stress.

Thank you all. I work for government so I could go full time if we ever needed it if H couldn't work anymore. He manages to work at the moment as its mostly from home and his job is a lot easier than mine.
Yes driving around in areas I don't know is pretty exhausting to be honest. I need to look for a sideways move, even if it's more office based then it would be easier but I can't do the 4 long days I'm doing at the moment.
I just kind of thought I was being lazy to do less than 32 hrs. I don't mind the house being a mess etc but I've noticed I'm not picking up on things that the kids need. To be honest the eldest is probably ASD as well. It's just just a case of H needs to do more, he can't physically do more than he is trying to do at the moment.

I know it will mean less into my pension but I have paid into it since I was 16 so hopefully the years I was full time will make it half decent.

I wouldn't be expected to do more than my hours, we're protected from that. I wouldn't be bothered on my non working days. I just hate disappointing people like ill be disappointing my boss.

Why do you feel pathetic? Your family needs you so naturally you feel stretched - anyone would! You have an awful lot to cope with.

Well done for giving it your best shot and hope your manager is sympathetic.

Not pathetic at all.
I always struggled with full time work due to time consuming commitments outside of work (I don’t even have children!). A full time WFH job has worked wonders for me but your responsibilities are a lot more significant than mine!

I work 22.5 hrs, 2 young children one with ASD in primary school and full time working husband. I'd really struggle to work the hours you do. And I feel the stress when I'm working as it feels intense and never ending. If you are able to cut back to your previous hours please do, it will be better for yours and your family's health. Hopefully you will recieve DLA and child benefit. If possible maybe put some savings into an ISA to help your savings grow over time.

Not pathetic in the slightest!
I am sure you've already considered this but you or your DH might also be ND which might make things even harder and increase the risk of autistic burnout (different to NT burnout).💐

I have two young kids and worked part time for a while. I work 3 days and honestly it’s the best thing for us. I feel so much calmer and a better parent. I struggled massively at full time and even 4 days with anxiety of trying to juggle it all.

OP it’s ok for 3 days to be your limit, if you can afford it why not? Working 4 days will be an adjustment I would say give it a few weeks as it’s always stressful when there’s a change finding your new ways of working.

I take my hat off to any parents who work 5 days and I feel so strongly for parents who have to work 5 days due to the COL.

Even when my kids are older, I’m not increasing my hours. It works so well for us and give me some down time which I very much mentally need.

Working f/t with kids and no support is hard, and you've got a SEN child and a chronically ill husband on top. It's a lot. Any chance of a WFH job in your line of work?

In people I have known, the parent who stayed at home more wouldn’t have worked that many hours until the kids were old enough to get themselves to and home from school and be home alone. And most not even then.

Yanbu. I briefly went from 3 to 4 days (office based) when my kids were younger and the difference in how stressed I felt was a lot. I didn’t have a sick husband or kids with additional needs either. Just do what’s right for you and don’t worry about what you “should” be able to manage - you have a lot to cope with.

I found 30 hours wasn’t part time enough to benefit and then went full time and that was easier. I had to outsource things like having a cleaner but could mentally justify it and afford it. At 30 hours I was trying to do everything and not understanding why I couldn’t.

The only time I worked part time rather than full time I lasted about a year because I was just expected to do a full time job in part time hours but I got paid part time money. That seemed of no advantage to me. It sounds like you are doing lots of extra hours but they aren't paid so that's the part you need to change. It sounds exhausting. I feel for you with the driving. Very stressful.

Its nuts that we have got to the point as a society that you feel guilty you aren't doing more paid work hours outside the home, when you are doing so so many hours of work already inside the home. Hello burnout my old friend.

Give yourself a break! You've got a load on your plate, if anything, work fewer hours if your finances allow it.

My dd has ASD (pretty severe ASD) and I don’t work much at all, i a, a single parent and have almost 0 support from family. When I do work (self employed) I am totally exhausted. My dd gets PIP and I get carers allowance, we survive but I would love to be able to juggle work and caring for her…it’s just not possible.