I think I've just been banned from seeing my grandchildren!

[TiredRetired]

My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons but that is not usually a problem. They are happy little boys.
Background; I had my 4 kids in the 1980s/1990s. I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school.
DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it. She sticks rigidly to meal & nap times which we have to come home for. I have always stuck up for her when other family members have rolled their eyes at this because they seem happy in the routine. I will occasionally get a lecture - for instance I once kept eldest out past meal time because we had stopped at a cafe. I texted not to worry about lunch but was told in no uncertain terms to come back immediately
I visited a few days ago in their new house they've just moved to. I was sleeping in the dormer bedroom opposite my 3 yr old grandson. He arrived in my room about midnight having undone his sleeping bag, climbed out of his cot and come through. It was cold in the rooms (corners often are) and his hands and feet were like ice. I know they don't like co-sleeping so I grabbed the duvet and took him downstairs to snuggle on the couch and warm him up. Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.
To cut a long story my son came through and said, I'll take him Mum. Suspected I'd done the wrong thing as he was quite short with me.
Got a lecture in the morning from DIL as though I was a small child myself and I'm afraid it went badly. After listening a bit I said "of course I'll do what you want in your house but my parenting was different to yours so it can be a bit difficult for me to know what to do here. I'm not 12 yrs old and I've brought up 4 kids. Can I not be the Grandma that's a bit different because after all, you're the biggest influence on them ( that's a precis of my side of it)
She was really angry and said she can't see how I can continue to visit and she doesn't know what else she has to do...
You get the picture?
I am heartbroken. Don't know at the moment now to fix this. I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules but there's something broken now

Fact check, it was the middle of the night and she was awoken by her little grand son who was freezing. OP was half asleep her self, she warmed him up and let his parents sleep, presumably they needed that or they would have woken up to him. I think she's a hero. Everyone got extended sleep and that's OK. Hugely OK.

All kinds of things are possible, but it's not that likely.

What is likely is if she put her cold gs back in bed he would not have gone to sleep. Because he was cold. He'd have been up again.

Because I think the condemnatory nature of most of the comments is beyond belief.
I can’t (perhaps I’m an innocent) see what granny did wrong at all. I’m not a granny but my friends are and have to walk on eggshells.
small child, up in the night and chilly. I’d have done exactly the same.
Please no lectures. I realise not everyone is the same.

I wouldn't dream of lecturing or indeed eye rolling. Yes we all do it in the way that suits us and our children best, and that includes the OP's DIL and son.

I know but DS and DIL sound hard work - to me.

I wish you had not made the comments about breastfeeding OP. It seems such a private matter that isn't your information to share, and has no relevance really to the dispute. Just intrusive really.

What does your DIL mean when she said "she doesn't know what else she has to do...""?

Your post suggests you follow the parents' requests but your instinct is to do things differently. I don't think you and your son and his wife are experiencing things the same way.

In this case, the mother failed to protect them from an abusive father. Had limited ability to nurture, was cruel and a classic narcissistic.

I doubt anyone who knew how she parented would consider she had the relevant experience to dole out advice.

lots and lots of people parent - some well and some very badly. Having more children doesn’t make you better at it.

I mean extra blankets are a thing right? Back to bed with an extra blanket seems more logical and inline with the rules and commonsense than decamp downstairs for snuggles on the sofa. However lovely that might be for OP it’s really thumbing her nose at the parents imo. I can see why they were annoyed.

Sometimes people actually learn from getting things wrong too!

It stands to reason that the more children you have, the more experience of parenting individuals you have - it doesn't say anything about the quality.

They don't allow an extra blanket...

It would be quicker actually for them to list what they do allow, in fact.

I really doubt this is true. They probably object to an extra blanket for the new baby as per the safe sleep guidelines but OP has twisted their rules and give a faux "oh silly me" misunderstanding so she can do exactly what she wants.

You sound like a loving, lovely granny! I do understand that if you're doing things so very differently to their way, they are going to be really pissed off with you. But poo tiny boy, 3 years old, awake at night, freezing feet - who wouldn't have given him a snuggle and got him warm again? I know my mum would.

Well we only have the OP's word for it but she did say that the 3 year old wasn't allowed an extra blanket...

You are literally making things up now.

I had furniture for them we had been storing. The weekend was organised a while ago but there was a delay in them completing on the house so rather than 4 weeks after move day it was only 10 days

This is totally different to OP's situation and in no way is it okay to leave a really cold child to just be cold.

That is why you tuck them back into their sleeping bag.

I really hate how older women are expected to suppress their own personalities and experience to worship at the feet of rude dil's who act as gatekeepers to the children.
Seemingly the only value an older woman has is to tell the dil she's doing a fabulous job (whether true or not), anticipate the needs of dil and be on hand to supply meals, do the laundry, run around doing the grunt work so mum can do the fun stuff, be endlessly supporting with childcare as required but never overstep, apologise profusely even when she's done nothing more wrong than fail to anticipate some requirement of dil and he endlessly grateful for the opportunity to see her own gc. God forbid she does anything fun or without permission signed in triplicate. And even if she does all that, she'll still be in the wrong because some women are determined to interpret everything their lol does in the worst possible light.

Yes, sometimes in-laws (and parents) are annoying af! But we really have to move away from this idea that it's okay to cut people off who aren't abusive but are a bit opinionated or disagree with you!

if that’s the case then it’s wake the parents time.

Grandparents are free to disagree, but they don't get to undermine because of it. It's also fine to have an opinion but voicing it can be criticism, and who wants someone sticking their oar in all the time? I reduce the time spent with anyone who acts like that because it's exhausting.

I’d love it if my MIL did this. And she would, as she’s lovely and nurturing. So I feel very grateful and hopefully she does too.

DILs who act as gatekeepers to their children
you mean mothers acting as parents to their children?
where did OP mention being relegated into domestic servitude by her daughter in law? She’s been given some parental rules she doesn’t agree with but is being asked to follow. That’s it.

I wouldn't apologise any more OP. You did a decent thing in trying to help and comfort your dgc and let your knackered son and dil sleep. You've been storing their furniture, visited to drop it off (instead of asking them to collect it). I wouldn't tolerate a telling off from her either!

She clearly asked for advice in the past (re bf) - she doesn't get to dictate when you're allowed to have a pov and when not. And clearly son and dil are happy to accept practical help such as storing furniture. I don't believe it is reasonable for them to expect help solely on their terms. You take the rough with the smooth in families - if they don't want to accept you as you are, they've no business accepting favours when it suits them.

But the kid is 3!! He managed to get out of his cot and come to see Gran. He's not a newborn...

Actually the original quote said gatekeepers to “the” children rather than “their” children!

Like the DC are some sort of communal resource which these unreasonable DIL are hoarding.

The same can be said about the OP, (the first three sentences) albeit possibly without the stress and overwhelm etc as the cause.