I think I've just been banned from seeing my grandchildren!

[TiredRetired]

My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons but that is not usually a problem. They are happy little boys.
Background; I had my 4 kids in the 1980s/1990s. I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school.
DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it. She sticks rigidly to meal & nap times which we have to come home for. I have always stuck up for her when other family members have rolled their eyes at this because they seem happy in the routine. I will occasionally get a lecture - for instance I once kept eldest out past meal time because we had stopped at a cafe. I texted not to worry about lunch but was told in no uncertain terms to come back immediately
I visited a few days ago in their new house they've just moved to. I was sleeping in the dormer bedroom opposite my 3 yr old grandson. He arrived in my room about midnight having undone his sleeping bag, climbed out of his cot and come through. It was cold in the rooms (corners often are) and his hands and feet were like ice. I know they don't like co-sleeping so I grabbed the duvet and took him downstairs to snuggle on the couch and warm him up. Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.
To cut a long story my son came through and said, I'll take him Mum. Suspected I'd done the wrong thing as he was quite short with me.
Got a lecture in the morning from DIL as though I was a small child myself and I'm afraid it went badly. After listening a bit I said "of course I'll do what you want in your house but my parenting was different to yours so it can be a bit difficult for me to know what to do here. I'm not 12 yrs old and I've brought up 4 kids. Can I not be the Grandma that's a bit different because after all, you're the biggest influence on them ( that's a precis of my side of it)
She was really angry and said she can't see how I can continue to visit and she doesn't know what else she has to do...
You get the picture?
I am heartbroken. Don't know at the moment now to fix this. I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules but there's something broken now

In your shoes OP I think I would focus on being pragmatic. This isn’t a battle you’re going to win, no matter how unreasonable or wrong you think their parenting approach is.

Id wait for your emotions to settle and then give a very full and sincere apology and do a lot of reflection on whether I could come across as overbearing or overstepping boundaries even if I don’t mean to or was only trying to help.

It can be difficult transitioning roles (in this case parent to grandparent) and I wonder if the depth of your experience (as a breastfeed counsellor as well as experienced mother) makes this even trickier.

Maybe your grandparent ‘journey’ isn’t quite the one you expected or wanted but at the end of the day you’ll catch more bees with honey than vinegar - focus on the big picture.

OP's son and DIL have just moved into this house and the bedrooms and sleeping arrangements haven't been sorted out yet. The child's dad has been sleeping in the room next to his child's bedroom and only moved out to give his mum the bed. It is more likely that the little boy came into the room looking for his dad.

The child's dad came down and found the OP so he obviously went to check on his child and found him gone. There is absolutely no evidence that the child's mum and dad would have yelled at their son if he woke up and came looking for them.

Also, when you say they would have yelled (or worse), what does 'worse' mean. Are you accusing OP's son and DIL of being abusive?

I thought things were going back to natural parenting, not the other way around. I would hate to have a DIL like that. That said, she has all the power, unfortunately. Maybe apologise again with a card or something and then be patient. If they are reasonable people they will come to their senses (especially when they need childcare).

Why?? OP overstepped the mark! And I would wager it isn't the first time!

I think they are the most upset because you exposed their child to suffocation risks by using that duvet on the sofa.

You mentioned that you didn't want to add an extra duvet to the child's cot due to suffocation risk but by sleeping on the sofa with a duvet is the same. I'm sure that's why he's using a sleeping bag as well, they are less risky. This is not a strict rule per se, it's preventative measure.

DH and I were explaining MIL all baby safety rules such as never co-sleep, no extra items on the cot, she replied the same "I've raised so many children, they are all good, I know everything". This attitude has only led us to never leave her with the child unsupervised and my DH totally supports it since they are safety measures.

Times change and in your time this wasn't flagged as a risk but it is now.

You've way too much time on your hands 😄

Totally made up🤣

says the women who has been posting on this thread all afternoon.

What can I say, I'm invested but wouldnt have a clue what other posts are and who posted them, that's a bit OTT for me😀

Lots of sleeping bags go up to 36 months, the ones I have do certainly.

'I know they don't like co-sleeping so I took him downstairs' was obtuse of you. Not co-sleeping as a parental choice doesn't mean the child couldn't get into bed with his granny for a snuggle before back to bed.
It was bizarre of you to take him downstairs, and the 'well I know you don't like co-sleeping' was the equivalent of sticking your tongue out at them- childish.

@StressedLP1 going by your reckoning then, both my babies were total fucking nightmares!! 😂😂😂

'Just be myself'.
I didn't think you were that bad til that. That's such an incredibly pathetic, passive aggressive thing to say. You wanted her to comfort you and apologise with that statement, turn it round back onto her.
Manipulative.

Omg I got quite invested in this thread this morning. Then rechecked this evening and there are 200 more posts!

I think we can deduce there is a split in opinion here. I suspect this means both parties are in the right and wrong.

I do think mumsnet famously hates mothers in law until suddenly you are a mother in law yourself.

OP hope it's blown over your end!

I know it's not the point of the post but is he still in a cot at three? Shouldn't he be in a bed.
OP I think your daughter in law sounds a pain . I'm not sure what you were supposed to do given as you say he was very cold. I suppose you could have woken your son and daughter in law up.
She wouldn't like me I co sleep with my granddaughter when she stays with us as it's the only way she will go to sleep!
I:m pleased to say my daughter is supportive.
I hope you are able to see your grandchildren again

You're missing the point. It doesn't matter who (if anyone) is "right". It is always the parent who gets to decide how things are done therefore they are the one that makes the rules.

If the parent says they don't mind grandma doing things their way then that's fine. In this case however the parent didn't want the 3 year old downstairs in the middle of the night so that is that. What grandma thinks is right is totally irrelevant - she needs to just do what the parents want on this kind of thing.

My mum thinks the kids ought to have a bath every single night and never be allowed sweets. Other grandma lets a 2 year old drink a whole bottle of coke. I think a bath 3x a week is fine and I let them have sweets but no coke. No one is really right or wrong in this scenario but they are my kids so I decide.

What are you talking about? The GM was there, holding the child, there was no suffocation risk.

Did you not actually read the OP?

Also - are people really unaware that once they are able to move around well, certainly before age 3 for a normal child, a blanket is fine and not a risk?

In fact a bag is a risk because the child is likely to try and walk around in it and fall. They really shouldn't be used once a child is mobile.

Not that the OP should mention that to the DIL they'd likely ban her for life.

Often the impression here is its OK for mum to offer advice but heaven help the mil if she does the same. Given they are equal Grandparents I find that sad. I'm just relieved it's not like that with my dil & my grandchildren. All Grandparents get equal consideration.

The child is 3 years old not 3 months! A duvet on the sofa whilst awake and having a cuddle with an awake adult is fine?!

Do you think they'd have freaked out less?

That seems pretty unlikely. I'd have assumed they felt co-sleeping was unsafe, which is not the case with a snuggle on the couch no matter how you slice it.

Img that poor woman can't win, she's not even allowed feel sympathy for her daughter and she's lashed for shaming her. This is laughable

Because most MIL interfere and offer unwanted advice thinking that there way is best!

It was Truby King, in the 30s, I think. He also mandated that feeding should be every four hours on a schedule - death to early breastfeeding which require on-demand feeding. But breastfeeding was out of fashion in the 30s.

Well no, because it is a different child, being raised in a different setting, by different parents at a different point in time. The situation is not remotely similar and the child is 50% mum’s DNA anyway!

The real issues here seems to be not so much the rules, but the grandparent using her best judgement in a situation where the rule doesn't tell exactly tell her what to do.

Kids to bed on time in a cot alone is fine. Kid wakes up, he should go back to bed, fine.

But if the OP thinks he's colder than she is comfortable putting him back to bed? Is she supposed to ignore that instinct? Is she supposed to take a temperature or something? Or actually has to wake up others to tell her what to do? She knows they don't want him to come into an adults bed, but she still has to decide what to do.

I don't think she can reasonable just put him back to bed if she is worried about him, adults have to be able to follow their intuition on things like that. So it seems the only option is wake the parents because no one else can make a judgement where the rule isn't enough. But that's absolutely going to mean that no one can care for that child directly except the parents.