DS made racist comment at school

[ellie09]

I have a DS age 7 who has ASD and he struggles quite a bit socially.

I am utterly appalled and ashamed by what I have heard this morning. This wasn't any thing directly to me or by the teacher.

DS apparently made a comment to a girl in his class saying he "didn't want to play with her as she has brown skin". This apparently blown up in a private group chat on WhatsApp that I was not aware of. I hadn't had any communications from teachers or other parents, so I was confused.

His best friend at school is a Muslim boy and his granny is Brazilian. He has grown up around different skin colours from a baby. We have had a serious conversation today in which I have told him he must apologise to this girl tomorrow.

However, I am also angry that this has been put on a WhatsApp group before anybody has even spoken to me, I assume the teachers aren't even aware. Of course, this has caused outrage in the group chat (and rightly so!) but I can't help but feel this was wrongly handled by the other parent as this is a group of 7 year old children and issues like this can escalate very quickly.

How do I handle this moving forward? Do I request a meeting with the head teacher and make them aware of the incident etc?

I feel really sick at the thought of walking my child into school tomorrow, knowing that most will be judging based on what they have heard.

Btw, I'm not in the group chat - screenshots were sent to me by another parent.

It is relevant. The child has autism which will impact on his social interactions with others.

Like I have previously said, it's absolutely normal to my DS. He has a granny who is a different race and several other family members. His class is highly multi-cultural and had no issues for 4 years at school with this

He had an issue in the summer with his skin turning "brown" which was a tan, and he had a hard time adapting to this which I think is linked to his autism. His comments made were self-projecting as he doesn't like his own skin changing. Nothing to do with the race of another person.

I have reminded him of societal expectations - that skin colour shouldn't be discussed in that way. He honestly told me he didn't know, he didn't know he upset anyone and now he is really nervous going to school in the morning, knowing such a big deal has been made over it.

My issue was, nobody approached me directly, nobody contacted the school, and decided it was best placed in a WhatsApp group that neither parent was a part of, so nothing could be addressed or dealt with.

If I wasn't friendly with one particular parent, I wouldn't have even have known anything was discussed.

I agree that it's issues like these need dealt with - I wasn't given an opportunity to talk it out with the other parent, no investigation into the event took place and I had to see messages calling my ASD 7 year old "disgusting" and demanding he be "dealt with harshly" by the school.

I am at the school every morning - they had every opportunity to pull me up for a chat on Monday morning and it would have been dealt with.

I have since had 2 messages from different parents saying they don't think the message was okay to post, particularly with DS autism and learning difficulties.

And I expect OP's family will have a lifetime of ableism to navigate.

No one said they shouldn't reach out to a close friend for support and advice. But there is a huge difference between doing this and broadcasting it across the class whatts app group, talking about OP's child's disability.

No one said that the little girls family shouldn't be upset, they all agreed that they are right to be upset, but many disagreed with the way they handled it. They should have either gone to the school or spoken with OP directly.

Is it just me that thinks asking someone why their skin is a particular colour isn't racist?
Obviously it's not appropriate for an adult but this is an ND seven year old.

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast no it is not. My daughter has ASD, she receives high rate care and mobility DLA and struggles a lot in social situations but we drilled certain things into her before she started school. Having ASD does not give a child the ability to say hurtful things to others.

He is curious about it, just, nothing more.

He has been friends with this girl in the past and even called her his "girlfriend" last year which I found very cute.

He isn't a racist in the slightest, nor has there been any hint of it at home.

He asked his granny once why she looked different to him (skin colour) and she told him why, but this was years ago. He just says what's on his mind, without thinking, sadly.

Look at you, showing off your 'education' and still coming across as ignorant and snobbish.

Don't be ridiculous, of course his autism/learning difficulties are relevent. Abelist much.

At no point did I say ASD children have the right to say hurtful things to children. I said it affects their social interactions with others. ASD is a spectrum and each child is an individual.

He didn't ask about her skin colour, he said he didn't want to play with her because of her skin colour.

Yes, this is why he got told off and spoken to about this comment. We spent a lot of time this afternoon going through educational videos etc. He told me afterwards that he was wrong, and he was sorry.

He hasn't been allowed out today to the pool etc as we had planned so he can spend time writing an apology card to this girl instead.

Not helpful

He didn't ask about her skin colour, he said he didn't want to play with her because of her skin colour.

If you filter OPs posts, you'll see updates. He told her that he asked her why her skin was brown. It was the other children that made the claim about "not playing with her", not him.
OP has also said that he gets tormented to meltdown at school.

He hasn't been allowed out today to the pool etc as we had planned so he can spend time writing an apology card to this girl instead.

OP please don't take this approach.
Your little boy will remember that he was bullied at school and instead of being comforted, his own mother punished him and made him write an apology to his bully.

I couldn't agree more, you can't always assume that a child with ASD just "knows" social rules, you have to make them explicit and teach them not to say things like that before they say them. No-one is a perfect parent but I do think OP dropped the ball a bit here by just thinking he would never say that because he has grown up around different skin colours, even though she has heard him say negative things about brown skin before. An autistic child doesn't have to say racist things because they are autistic, they just need to be taught not to in a different way to an allistic child.

They are SEVEN years old.
Everybody needs to dial it down a notch.
Especially the " adults"
Of course we address these matters in school. Of course we teach values and inclusivity. Of course we teach tolerance and acceptance. Shame so many parents can't understand this.

Nothing good, nothing at all, comes from amplifying and making drama out of the errors or mistakes of seven year olds.

If all the boy did was ask why her skin is a different colour I don’t think that is racist. Particularly given his special needs. My son is mixed race, similar age, and will ask the same question about his own skin. It’s not meant in a mean way kids are just inquisitive. Much like if he sees someone in a wheelchair he might ask why they can’t walk. Without knowing the full details of what he said you can’t even be sure he was racist.

we also had a similar thing where one of his good friends at school made a comment about his skin colour when they were doing self portraits. Teacher rang me, wouldn’t tell me which kid but mum then apologised directly and I made no big deal of it. Wasn’t meant in a mean way and my son didn’t take it as such (never mentioned it). They’re still friends.

@ellie09 you've dealt with this well, it's a really tricky situation and I doubt he will do it again.

Good luck for tomorrow.

Well, on further investigation and probing from DS, he told me it was:

"Why is your skin brown? I don't like brown skin. "

Then told me it was because he doesn't like his own skin colour (he is half Brazilian) and that's why he said it. He has been really distressed about his tan from the summer. So, it wasn't really about the girl.

But to the girl, I can see 100% why she would have felt victimised.

DS has been spoken to firmly around skin colour as a topic of conversation.

At what point did OP even imply that this child, who from the sounds of it was upset enough to go home and tell her Mum this had happened, has bullied her son? Of course he needs to apologise to her.

His bullies should also be staying home from the pool to write him apology notes too, but maybe their parents aren't as caring as OP.

Are you seriously calling a little girl that was told “why do you have brown skin? I don’t like brown skin” a bully in this scenario?

In old fashioned Mumsnet terms, give your head a wobble.

This is worse than the original comment imo

I wouldn't be leading with the explanation that you've given about how he dislikes Brown skin because of his own. It's not the explanation you think it is

This is why context matters. Running off to social media and vilifying a neuro diverse child isn't helpful. This could have been dealt with easily on all sides.

Not every child with ASD, who receives high rate care and mobility DLA and struggles in social situations a lot, will have the same outcome as your daughter, however much 'drilling' is done.

I plan to keep DS out of school until it is addressed by the school and also the bullying.

I have told him he is staying home tomorrow until I speak with his teacher and let them know the wider context. He won't be returning to school until I know it has been investigated fully and that the children that also instigate him have been spoken to.

I do want to be on his side, whilst also addressing that his comments can also be hurtful to others.