DS made racist comment at school

[ellie09]

I have a DS age 7 who has ASD and he struggles quite a bit socially.

I am utterly appalled and ashamed by what I have heard this morning. This wasn't any thing directly to me or by the teacher.

DS apparently made a comment to a girl in his class saying he "didn't want to play with her as she has brown skin". This apparently blown up in a private group chat on WhatsApp that I was not aware of. I hadn't had any communications from teachers or other parents, so I was confused.

His best friend at school is a Muslim boy and his granny is Brazilian. He has grown up around different skin colours from a baby. We have had a serious conversation today in which I have told him he must apologise to this girl tomorrow.

However, I am also angry that this has been put on a WhatsApp group before anybody has even spoken to me, I assume the teachers aren't even aware. Of course, this has caused outrage in the group chat (and rightly so!) but I can't help but feel this was wrongly handled by the other parent as this is a group of 7 year old children and issues like this can escalate very quickly.

How do I handle this moving forward? Do I request a meeting with the head teacher and make them aware of the incident etc?

I feel really sick at the thought of walking my child into school tomorrow, knowing that most will be judging based on what they have heard.

Btw, I'm not in the group chat - screenshots were sent to me by another parent.

@JustinThyme thank you. Most people are forgetting the actual victim in this.

So sorry you have been put in this situation, which is tantamount to bullying in itself. I would be asking myself where DS learnt this kind of language, and wondering if it is something he has heard previously in the playground. Definitely bring it up with school - request a meeting - and mention the Whatapp group message and how you are certain this is not a behaviour he has learnt at home.

100%

I'm a friendly person and 100% would have worked with the other parent to rectify and calm the situation

Absolutely this

I don't know what policies schools are required to have in place, but I would be asking the school to send a letter to all parents asking them to refrain from discussing children's behaviour on WhatsApp groups/social media. Plus a reminder that children often misinterpret/distort events in retelling and parents rarely have the full picture - eg context, intention and whether the perpetrator' has any special needs.

None of this makes you less problematic.

This doesn’t make it okay. I think something is wrong with you/your thought process here. No wonder your son has racist ideals.

People are still missing the point that we are dealing with seven year old children who say all sorts of hurtful things to each other about a wide range of things. I’ve had to navigate a multitude of unpleasant things occurring across the years and I have never once approached the parents directly. I’ve also never gone on a school mum WhatsApp and said some unpleasant things about other people’s children as the kick back from that would be an absolute pain.

If your child comes home and says another child has upset them or hurt them PLEASE go to the school. The school are experts in dealing with this. They will often cover the subjects in PSHE to make sure all the children are involved in solving the types of issues discussed on this thread.

I really really really wouldn't give this level of explanation about it

If I was a parent of a girl who's friend had said they he didn't like brown skin, I would want a simple " really sorry, we are horrified, get ther seriousness and are dealing with it"

I would not want "he has many friends of different ethnicities, it's never been a problem before, his nan is from a different culture and he wasn't saying it about your daughter (despite specifically saying it to her, whilst asking questions about her skin colour) he was actually talking about himself, its just a misunderstanding and actually I think you should have come to me and that my son is now being bullied.

I'd take a dim view of it and have zero faith you understood. Regardless of why your son has asked a brown skinned girl about her skin and said he doesn't like brown skin. There's no misunderstanding that's literally what you've told us he has said.

I don’t believe in shaming children and he’s so young. It needs to be dealt with. Just tell the mob that you are shocked by his comment and that you’ve had a conversation about it and want to move on from it now.
We all make mistakes and say things we shouldn’t. I still cringe about things I said when young and I’m so glad there was no social media to immortalise my awful mistakes. 7 is little more than a baby.

You really are ridiculous aren't you.

It's not really racist is it? An actual racist comment would be: I think you are less human because you have brown skin. As a brown person myself I would just chalk this up to a 7 year old saying random shit. And he doesn't have to play with her if he doesn't want to - for what ever reason or no reason. Sometimes I don't want to sit next to fat people on the train. Whatever. Say sorry to the mother. Tell your son not to pick out physical differences between people and say them out loud even if he thinks it and draw a line underneath it.

It was a WhatsApp group of 15 friends who are apparently close. She reached out for support after something happened to her daughter. This has now spread back to OP which is why it's always unwise to say things on social media if you don't want the person you're discussing to get wind of it. It's a little hypocritical to post about this on a completely public forum after complaining it was originally shared in a group of 15. There's a good chance that the other mother will now hear about this thread, and be livid that OP is discussing her discussing the racist incident that her child was a victim of so publicly.

I hope the apology card will be well-received and all of this will be forgotten soon, along with all the other playground arguments that get heated and then blow over.

He actually said I don't like brown skin. It's pretty bad and I think worse than the original comment

Christ - what a drama queen you are. Do you actually know what it means to hurl racist abuse at someone? You sound mean and nasty and exactly the type of person who starts these what’s app groups to stir up the coven of playground mums. Embarrassed for you.

Another one whos lost the plot! What do you want op to do exactly. She's done everything she can. You are clearly unpleasant and ableist.

He said something pretty horrible. A lot of people forgetting the actual victim in all of this. I wouldn't have posted it on WhatsApp but equally it's not the Mum's responsibility to keep quiet in case the white people get hurt. I really don't care if you think I'm mean and nasty and you can be as embarrassed as you like. OP is doing the right thing.

She is livid, she isn't responsible for what her son said though and she's trying to put it right , so cut her some slack.

So now the OP is at fault for posting anonymously on here mentioning no names and probably tweaking some info to make it less indentifying? You can’t have it every which way. If it’s okay to witch hunt a seven year old on WhatsApp it’s probably okay to ask advice on an anonymous parenting forum.

OP seems more interesting in the optics and the perceived injustice her child has faced. They have been dismissive of the behavior and not once centered the child this was said to. In fact they have effectively excused it because he described her as his girlfriend previously and because they know ethnic people and family.

Now you're just lying to suit your twisted agenda. You've got issues that's for sure.

This is surely a bulling case against a 7 years old ASD child, and that's how I would take it forward.

And you are entirely ignoring the intersectionality of this incident.

Wow... there is a lot of vitriol on this post considering the perspective of a 7-year old who has ASD has not been taken into account.

How about some of these as an alternative explanation before we rip the OP to shreds for her parenting:

1. The girl has upset him, so he's panicked and reached for something to say to get away from her.
2. As he may have heard adults or a book say 'talking about someone's skin colour can upset them', he's chosen that.
3. The girl has lied because he upset her somehow. In Y1, my son was accused of biting a child who had bitten himself enough to leave teeth marks, because he had started being friends with a mutual friend.
4. Someone has told him to say it (I've known of many ASD kids be vulnerable to manipulation as they can't navigate emotions well) .

Obviously racism is completely unacceptable, and I'm super sorry for the girl, but so many people on here don't seem to understand how autism can manifest.

I would actually be upset if the school didn't say something to the parents on the WhatsApp group about how they've handled this.

I'm a teacher and a very experienced one at that. Parents absolutely should be having conversations with kids about race and why they exist, racism and why it is unacceptable and why we are all ultimately the same.

But to say a topic is off the table to a child is very misguided. Children need to be allowed to ask questions so they can understand and make sense of these differences. The idea that we 'just don't talk about these' things actually feeds into the problem. They want to understand the world around them including why people are different.

I have had plenty of pupils say things like this, things they don't necessarily mean the way they may sound. Her child has every right to be sad but the mum, as an adult has made this situation for worse by not reporting it directly to the school and allowing them to be investigate, which I am sure as a teacher you would know should have been investigated fairly rather than the mum shaming a child.