DS made racist comment at school

[ellie09]

I have a DS age 7 who has ASD and he struggles quite a bit socially.

I am utterly appalled and ashamed by what I have heard this morning. This wasn't any thing directly to me or by the teacher.

DS apparently made a comment to a girl in his class saying he "didn't want to play with her as she has brown skin". This apparently blown up in a private group chat on WhatsApp that I was not aware of. I hadn't had any communications from teachers or other parents, so I was confused.

His best friend at school is a Muslim boy and his granny is Brazilian. He has grown up around different skin colours from a baby. We have had a serious conversation today in which I have told him he must apologise to this girl tomorrow.

However, I am also angry that this has been put on a WhatsApp group before anybody has even spoken to me, I assume the teachers aren't even aware. Of course, this has caused outrage in the group chat (and rightly so!) but I can't help but feel this was wrongly handled by the other parent as this is a group of 7 year old children and issues like this can escalate very quickly.

How do I handle this moving forward? Do I request a meeting with the head teacher and make them aware of the incident etc?

I feel really sick at the thought of walking my child into school tomorrow, knowing that most will be judging based on what they have heard.

Btw, I'm not in the group chat - screenshots were sent to me by another parent.

These things are always best handled by the school.

Your friend has provided you with the screen shots so your best bet is make an appointment to epeak to someone at school. Explain that this conversation via parents on group chat has been brought to your attention. Ask if the school was aware of your son making the comment and ask for the best route forward.

Both your children have protected characteristics, one through ethnicity and one through disability. Both need protection
hence the school being best placed to steer the next steps. Make zero comment about the rest of it. No acknowledgement online of any strife and certainly no comment to the parents involved. You’re better than that.

Of course the little girl will be upset but the mother was lacking context. If a situation like this happens in school it deserves to be investigated fairly by the school. Turns out having spoke to her own child OP there is more context.

As a teacher in an inner city school, kids of all colours say silly things. They don't want to play with someone because of their glasses, eye colour, their skin colour, their favorite tv show, whatever, it mostly nonsense.

Kids can also take comments out of context. I had a kid go home last month and told their parents I was racist in class but simply said cos of my lesson. Mum came in to complain and it was a BHM lesson and apparently I was racist because I used the term black and that you are 'not allowed to talk about peoples skin colour.'

So whilst the mum has every right to be so as for her child and want it investigated. She should have shown this 7 year old the same grace and understanding she would like her child to be shown when she makes a mistake or is simply misunderstood, instead of berating a little boy on social media with a load of other adults.

As someone who is not white and from a different culture who grew up in a very white community, I have had racist remarks hurled at me as a young child. I got over it and my family taught me to ignore and do better than the best of them. It’s called growing a thick skin. All
these white mamas here getting over excited abd berating the op is madness and shows me that you are still exercising a form of oppressive behaviour but you’re too smug in your outrage to even see.

Op, ignore these joyless knitters and carry on as you do. Tell your son it’s unacceptable behaviour, ask him to apologise (if he truly did make those remarks) and let it be.

" Ashamed and disappointed"
" Hurled racist abuse"

Are you for real ????
It's a 7 year old ASD pupil.

You sound like the typical uninformed, intolerant , judgemental parent that makes teaching an unpleasant job these days.

You are part of the problem OP. If your son does not know that brown skin is normal by this age it is all on you. That you center yourself and and your son as the victims here, is deluded and all on you. Educate yourself and do better going forward.

Oh do grow up

It's unlikely to be her first taste of racism.

That’s such an unpleasant message.

I would get your post deleted if I were you, OP.

IF he said it! He doesn't deserve to be vilified before it's even been looked into! Children lie or wrong convey things all the time! The parent should absolutely have gone to the school immediately, not gone ranting to other parents on social media before anything was even looked into! The amount of things my son has come home and told me about other kids is shocking but I would never dream of starting a witch-hunt in this way.

Said like a true proletariat! Good on you and your scarily dictatorial way of expressing yourself in Newspeak.

Aww OP it’s easy for a 7 year old to say something thoughtless / horrible/ stupid in a moment. Dont beat yourself up about this, and don’t take it as reflective of your son’s character !

It was wrong of the other parents to be sharing that on WhatsApp.

speak to your son and speak to the teacher. Make sure he understands how hurtful it is to say and he must never say something like that again.

Hold your head high at school you’ve done nothing wrong.

Hear hear.

Totally right. Not sure about your school but ours has a social media policy that parents have to sign (state school for reference) that parents and kids can’t speak ill of each other or the school/teachers. I would let the school know, show them screen grabs of the group and ask them to deal with it.

Nosy parents getting overly involved when they don’t know the details. This is between your son and this girl and the parents of each child. Not the entire school.

My son used to describe everyone by appearance when he started nursery age 3. The one with the round fat face, the girl with the beads in her hair, the one with the snotty nose and the boy with the black skin.
The only one I was pulled in about was the black skin description. So he was okay to describe everyone else factually (and sometimes rudely) but the teachers drew the line there. I just encouraged him to learn everyone's names.
I'd of been fuming to find out he was being talked about on the WhatsApp group by parents who are meant to know better.
I really don't understand how adults have got together on a chat to be nasty toward a 7 year old. They also have absolutely no idea in reality what has or hasn't been said.

Parents who deal with these issues publicly are idiots. This should have been dealt with privately once all the facts had been presented, the child is 7! Like it or not his autism is absolutely relevant. What he said was racist and op has dealt with it. I also think winding an autistic child up so you can enjoy their meltdown also needs dealing with but unlike the other parents op hasn't spread that all over whatsapp.

Not half as unpleasant as racism and its apologists.

I’m not sure context helps the wee girl very much.

It’s a bit off seeing people falling over themselves to excuse the 7yo and pillory the parents talking on WhatsApp when at the heart of it is a little girl who received racist comments from a school friend.

Yes, the OP is right to feel mortified, but where’s the compassion for the parents who heard their 6 or 7 year old daughter be asked “why is your skin brown? I don’t like brown skin!”

I expect they’ve had a lifetime of racism to navigate themselves, and understandably talk about it with other parents.

OP referenced accusations of racism “resulted in lynchings.” I think a moment of reflection will remind her of who was on the receiving end of those.

Yes, he’s young and has a disability. Yes, the school should handle it. But let’s not get sanctimonious about who here was hurt. The small girl and her family ought to be the ones receiving support.

As an mum my own kid is the priority, not yours. If my little girl came home upset over something like this I would absolutely contact school. What I wouldn't do is talk to a bunch of other parents about it. I'd be on at school to sort it out and keep your child away from mine. This little girls feelings are valid and whilst you want to protect your child I absolutely understand the rage her parents would feel at their child's distress.

Also typical of mumsnet that when comments are related to colour the child making the comments is the 'victim' or injured party. In scenarios when a sen child hits another child no exceptions are made for their sen on here. As a parent I think you've actually taken a very considered approach and done really well in explaining to your child how his comments could have been perceived.

Bingo, I was waiting for the 'do better' comment. 🤢

so I am an apologist? You would like me to criticise a seven year old child with a disability and their mother to be part of your group of superior thinkers? I’ll continue to behave like someone with some care and understanding for everyone as opposed to just some.

Or there could be support all round. Hence why the school should have dealt with it from the get go.

oh shut up, it’s a child, the parent is dealing with it

I don't think whether your child is autistic or not is relevant. He made a horrible racist comment to a little 7 year old child.

No, they definitely should not have taken this to social media but that is a separate issue.

I hope the little girl is ok.

I was a teacher until recently. Are you?! If so, you should be getting ahead of these kinds of things by making sure you're discussing racism and anti-racism in your PSCHE lessons before incidents like this happen. I definitely was.

My eldest is ASD and ADHD and she knew by 7 that certain topics were off limits for making comments about because we'd taught her that. Someone's skin colour was top of the list.

OP is ashamed and disappointed, wouldn't you be if your child made racist comments? I definitely would.

From the perspective of the little girl who heard this, yes, she had racist abuse hurled at her and I daresay she went home to her Mum very upset. She is the primary victim in all of this and it should be her feelings that everyone is worried for!