DS made racist comment at school

[ellie09]

I have a DS age 7 who has ASD and he struggles quite a bit socially.

I am utterly appalled and ashamed by what I have heard this morning. This wasn't any thing directly to me or by the teacher.

DS apparently made a comment to a girl in his class saying he "didn't want to play with her as she has brown skin". This apparently blown up in a private group chat on WhatsApp that I was not aware of. I hadn't had any communications from teachers or other parents, so I was confused.

His best friend at school is a Muslim boy and his granny is Brazilian. He has grown up around different skin colours from a baby. We have had a serious conversation today in which I have told him he must apologise to this girl tomorrow.

However, I am also angry that this has been put on a WhatsApp group before anybody has even spoken to me, I assume the teachers aren't even aware. Of course, this has caused outrage in the group chat (and rightly so!) but I can't help but feel this was wrongly handled by the other parent as this is a group of 7 year old children and issues like this can escalate very quickly.

How do I handle this moving forward? Do I request a meeting with the head teacher and make them aware of the incident etc?

I feel really sick at the thought of walking my child into school tomorrow, knowing that most will be judging based on what they have heard.

Btw, I'm not in the group chat - screenshots were sent to me by another parent.

That’s a very good idea noble. Maybe the group chat people are not aware of his needs and this would directly deal with them for now.

If a child made a similar remark to my child I wouldn't bring it up on WA. This is bullying and by people who should know better! On the other hand, I would have spoken to the teacher where this would have been dealt with in private. No matter what, no 7 yo deserves to be publicly targeted/riducled like that. I would speak to the HT about this mentioning what you have actively done to ensure this never happens again with a 7 yo who can say stupid stuff but what will they do to address a group of bullying parents doing a kangaroo court on WA targeting a 7yo.

Bless. Exactly. I haven’t had this said to me but it wouldn’t really shatter me if so. I’ve had racist things said to me as an adult and it’s horrid. I’m still affected now and likely will be for the rest of my life. I’m in my 30s too.

I know parents whose children have had similar things said to them at schools and parks. The parents were so sad, devastated , angry amongst other things, let alone the child. It really does affect the child and the family.

You do need to address this with him BUT I am horrified that a group of parents on a WA group are discussing a 7 year old like that, its awful

They specifically said "we know this child has autism" in the original posting on WhatsApp so they are aware.

Honestly he's an autistic 7 year old and you're getting 3rd hand information on social media. I would mute the WhatsApp and speak with the school in the morning. It happened (whatever has happened)in school and should be dealt with there. The school are best placed to establish the facts of the matter.

It absolutely affects the family and that’s why op is mortified and the little boy will be given an appropriate intervention eg social narrative

I used to tutor a boy with autism and he often said things out straight that would offend and we worked on learning the appropriate comments and social conventions. Feelings efc

come now .. you need to understand this little boy has needs too and of course we need to teach them the right way.

Believe me, my child should be well aware of horrible remarks as he has been called weird and taunted at for his stims and special needs in the few short years he has been at school

The only difference is, I have addressed it directly with the school and not put it out to lots of other parents before it had a chance to be rectified

My son has the same diagnosis as your son when in year 2 this boy said I’m not playing with you because you are thick
my son responded im not playing with you because you are black i was horrified! Guess who got punished though

Of course its devastating for the child involved but that doesn't mean you set up a potential lynch mob mentality against a 7 year old boy . You go in and address it with the school You give a chance for it to be rectified before you escalate.

It affects children, yes. I have never found anything made better by witchhunts in WA groups. Certainly not when Ops son is autistic.

I suspect school haven't told you because it's been dealt with and they realise that one he's 7m and two he's autistic. So they've spoken to him to explain and didn't feel the need for it to go any further. These parents should keep their noses out but I would speak to a teacher to let them know what's going on.

Its difficult. Children don't usually outright lie about this sort of thing but it can be completely possible for something more innocuous to be misheard. I wouldn't immediately assume he definitely said precisely that. Last year a group of parents heard from their DC that a child in DS class had said something very rude to the teacher. The class whatsapp went vile, assuming the child had picked up bad language at home etc. It turned out they'd all misheard & the teacher confirmed he'd said nothing rude but the damage was done.

It would be odd for a child that age to say something like that unless parroting things heard elsewhere.

With children so young parents should not rely on stuff overheard/hearsay and pile in. Better to explain to their own DC why something like that is racist, but don't get finger pointy without actual facts.

At about the same age my DS said a load of racist things in school.
He'd read the words in a michael Morpugo book (thanks dude) and didn't even know they were racist insults. He didn't even know what racism was. DS had a high reading age but very poor comprehension of full narratives. Anyway, He just thought his friends would laugh and his enemies would be hurt by some words that were evidently powerful.

My real beef is that DS was (& OP's son is). SEVEN. They are still learning boundaries. They can't even understand what racism is, not really. Nobody should be publicly shaming a 7 year old.

All the steps you proposed sound reasonable, OP. I have no idea what you do about the WApp. It feels like you're on a losing strategy no matter what. But a 2 sentence summary that you take very seriously that your son said something like that, you're working with school to teach him why that was wrong thing to say & you wish this incident hadn't been published in the group is probably reasonable.

Best. x

I would be furious if I was the girls mum too, and probably discuss it with people, which it sounds like she is doing with her school mum friends.

If someone said something horrendous about your sons ASD you would likely discuss it with people as well.

I think speaking to the school is a good idea, and I would go and apologise to the mum and set out what you're doing to address this (and don't start on about Brazillian relatives and Muslim friends as that seems very like "I'm not racist, I'm friends with....").

But also
Honestly, I was appalled with DS and he got told off, he's grounded etc.

So did he get told off and grounded before or after you asked him about it?

I feel really sick at the thought of walking my child into school tomorrow, knowing that most will be judging based on what they have heard.

We all know mob mentality is real and parents usually get the blame.

I get your upset at him and embarrassed but a lot of your concern seems to be how you are going to be judged and blamed yourself!

It's not really the type of issue you broadcast to a wide audience. It's a serious issue.

People get lynched and attacked on issues like this in the outside world. All it takes is for one parent in that group to take it too far.

Sounds like all the parents in the what's app group are behaving like kids in the playground themselves! They need to grow up.
Ignore the gossip OP, because at the moment that's all it is. Go in to school a little earlier tomorrow, and see if it's possible to speak to either his class teacher or the head. If not leave a letter for them (marked urgent).

Have you messaged the mother? I would get her phone number from whoever sent you the screenshots, they should be able to get it for you from the group chat. I would then call/message to say you've been made aware of the incident and are deeply sorry, that your child has been/is being punished and that you'll be speaking with the school on Monday. It may help to calm the situation.

I think op it sounds like you've dealt with it at home from you found out. There will be some work to do with your son just ongoing about respect and difference and also that he may hear things but that doesn't make those things true etc.

I would speak to the school and ask for a meeting with the school and the other child's parents so you can explain how you've dealt with it but also to say that you were disappointed in how this came to your attention and you would like this to come to you or you via the school directly next time as your son has challenges socially and you want to make sure that anything like this is dealt with appropriately going forwards and while you recognise that what he did was wrong and should not have happened- spreading it on social media without giving you as his parent the chance to deal with it was not a great way to go about things and you don't want a repeat of this any more than you want a repeat of his behaviour.

100% AGREE.

Bloody hell give this poor little boy a break. He is 7 ..has no one said ever said anything ever they might not have in other times? He could have been over tired,angry,frustrated? He is a little boy. Mountain out of a molehill is my reaction. Take him out for a happy day to take his mind off his indescretion and just calmly explain we all say something that is not ok sometimes and we must say sorry when we do that and all play together..end of. You will traumatise him going on about this and he will be afraid to go to school bless him.

I would arrange a meeting with the school, but I would also contact the mother.

To the mother, I would be saying "If this turns out to be true, please know that I am mortified and also baffled. This is not how we are raising our son and we will be working hard to understand why he said what he did. I am fully aware that this comment might be deeply scaring for your daughter, and my son will be making an apology to her. More importantly, we will continue to educate him on race issues. He is only seven - I am hopeful that it was a stupid comment made without much thought or malice - but we are taking it seriously and are very sorry".

Or words to that effect. I would further ask that from here on in, discussions are limited to the two families and school only as you don't want it to become a witch hunt.

Yes I think this is true. I have a 7 year old boy who gave me the middle finger for the other day out of nowhere. He's a good kid. He'd picked up it was controversial and wanted to try it out in curiousity I think.

I could totally see a 7 year old- especially with SEN- grabbing onto something racist when actually they were just looking for something to convey they were hurt, perhaps by being excluded from the game. It's wrong to take it to a class chat and I'd have judged the other parents for doing it this way. It needs gentle education not public flogging.

It sounds as if those on the what's App group are lacking in filters and have poor social skills.

@ellie09 he obviously should not have said it but he is a child and there must be some more context. If he was friendly with the girl previously, what has changed and why? Is a 7 year old genuinely capable of using what to an autistic child is to him a factual comment? Might it have been in response to being told he was something nasty, being ignores or even something physical.

None of us can really know anything except that a bunch of grown ups shouldn't have taken this to What's App.