DS made racist comment at school

[ellie09]

I have a DS age 7 who has ASD and he struggles quite a bit socially.

I am utterly appalled and ashamed by what I have heard this morning. This wasn't any thing directly to me or by the teacher.

DS apparently made a comment to a girl in his class saying he "didn't want to play with her as she has brown skin". This apparently blown up in a private group chat on WhatsApp that I was not aware of. I hadn't had any communications from teachers or other parents, so I was confused.

His best friend at school is a Muslim boy and his granny is Brazilian. He has grown up around different skin colours from a baby. We have had a serious conversation today in which I have told him he must apologise to this girl tomorrow.

However, I am also angry that this has been put on a WhatsApp group before anybody has even spoken to me, I assume the teachers aren't even aware. Of course, this has caused outrage in the group chat (and rightly so!) but I can't help but feel this was wrongly handled by the other parent as this is a group of 7 year old children and issues like this can escalate very quickly.

How do I handle this moving forward? Do I request a meeting with the head teacher and make them aware of the incident etc?

I feel really sick at the thought of walking my child into school tomorrow, knowing that most will be judging based on what they have heard.

Btw, I'm not in the group chat - screenshots were sent to me by another parent.

Once you have educated yourself more broadly you will know what more you can do for your son and what this issue is with your current approach/way of describing things. There are lots of resources available.

a) I’m talking about the OP’s child, not the OP. Her child has autism, which is a disability, and requires reasonable adjustments both legally and socially. Of course he needs to learn what is and isn’t acceptable, but he also needs understanding of his own challenges.

b) I have autism, I’m disabled. Don’t tell me how to identify myself, please!

c) you may not be aware, but many disabled people see the argument you’re making here about the term ‘disabled’ being reductive as similar to the racism-related ‘i don’t really see colour or race’ argument. Saying disabled people aren’t disabled doesn’t make us less disabled or reduce ableism. You may want to be aware of that as someone who clearly takes privilege and oppression seriously. I’d suggest making sure you’re aware of your own privilege (we all have it, in one way or another) before you pass judgment on others, as I’m sure you wouldn’t want to appear to be speaking for me as a disabled person or labelling me in a way that I don’t identify with.

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It for blown out of proportion when a 7 year olds comment on the playground was posted all over a WhatsApp group instead of being flagged to the parents or the school

It leads to gossip / hear say amongst children and their parents. As no doubt a lot of parents will be telling their kids to now stay away from my DS, which is going to isolate him even more, over a comment he doesn't know the full meaning of.

Are you not bored of twisting everything the op has said yet? The child is 7! He's been educated by his mum and even punished. What exactly would you like the op to do to make you shut up saying the same drivel over and over again. You're so delusional your making stuff up and insisting the op is the one who has said it. You must no that's not normal.

As for your latest ableist rubbish regarding asd, you obviously have zero experience with a non verbal child still in nappies. Their parents do everything they can to help them to reach their full potentional, it doesnt make them not disabled. Some children with asd are very much disabled whether you or your friends like it or not. How people wish to identify is up to them, not you.

I genuinely have no idea what you are talking about, and you aren't giving any helpful suggestions either.

@ellie09 I suspect some posters are just after a reaction. Ignore them 😊

Ellie09
Commenting on the posts in this group is hardly going to calm down the row is it? Getting involved yourself and then seeking the school's help is ridiculous. The best thing is to be the adult and report the situation to the school so they can sort it out.

That's what's happening

No one is adding me in there anyhow - lol

Mountain out of a molehill is my reaction. Take him out for a happy day to take his mind off his indiscretion..

WTAF

This needs to handled by the school. Do not initiate contact with the parent or child until you’ve contacted the school.

You say your son is ASD and is becoming emotional when questioned about this. If it's something that has been said out of character I wonder if it has been influenced by someone else ..
I would ask where he's heard this from or maybe his reasons for saying it if he could write it down if possible

Yep - I'm not planning to have contact unless the school arranges it. I am not friendly / familiar with this parent anyway.

IMO the terms has been used on this thread in a reductive manner. I am not telling you how you should I identify. I am telling you that I have been told that the term 'disabled' used as their primary descriptor is considered reductive. They prefer their disability to be acknowledged by its name ie autistic spectrum disorder/asd or adhd or social communication disorder etc. You do you. You don't speak for all people with disabilities any more that I speak for all ethnic minorities.

This is about children my son suffered racism at his school when he was in year 1. The school dealt with it sharply. When I did talk about it I did not mention any names. I spoke to the mother and that was the end of it. I think it's appalling when adults thinks it's okay to gang up against a child it's abuse.

The worst thing is is that these wannabe parents will use their children to abuse ops child.

I would expect an employee at the school to challenge the comments not stay silent.

But - it’s always possible they haven’t seen them.

He made a mistake and upset somebody, its that simple. All kids make mistakes, thats how they learn. This needs education not punishment.

I'm part of the "they" you refer to here. Autism is a disability. It isn't a disorder, either. Once again, intersectionality.

Please. Do better, like you've been so fond of saying throughout this thread.

That's easy for you to say as an adult. Even a neurotypical 7 year old child doesn't have the same awareness and at the very least deserves the benefit of the doubt for the situation to be investigated by the school. Often when these things are investigated there is much more detail and context to the story.

From OP's comments her daughter and others said 'I don't like playing with people with brown skin' but her son has explained he said 'why so do you have brown skin? I don't like brown skin.' the two comments are very different and the second one does have context with the fact he doesn't like his own skin tanning. There is an explanation for hi comment beyond racism. Her son still needs a conversation about these comments and is a lesson to learn from by it does not merit the child being gossiped about by a group of adults.

I actually dealt with a very similar situation a couple of years back when a child.went home and told their parent another child had used the 'n word' and went straight to the class whatsapp laying into this child. Kids came in the next day and started making comments to the kids about him being racist, a term he had no understanding of, and he was obviously upset no one was playing with him. Of course none of the incident was actually raised directly with the school until I asked the childs mum at the end of the day and he told me what kids had been saying. When I spoke to the other kids the next day the revealed x had said n word, spoke to parent of the affected kids with child. Turns out the word was negro and the kid that said it was Spanish and he used it to ask for a black crayon.

But the damage had already been done. The poor kid and his family were treated poorly by the class for the rest of the year. That's why incidents like this have no place on social media, as they say there's you version, my version and the truth.

What language?

I would report the SEN support worker/ TA to the school. She absolutely should not be involved in this WhatsApp group let alone the discussion. Very unprofessional.

Maray1967
The sen assistant is likely a parent and is on the group in that capacity. It would be v inappropriate to engage in an argument with parents in their work capacity. The only appropriate thing to do would be to not comment but report what has happened to the SLT.

The other parents sound awful. If I was you I would be having serious words with my son, if I was the girls mum I would be very upset and would be talking to you and the school. However, I could not be involved in discussing a 7 year old in a group chat, that is disgusting behaviour. Even 7 year olds who don't have needs are still learning what is and isn't appropriate. It 100% needs to be dealt with but there should be no shaming of a 7 year old.

Yes, she has a child in the same class, but is also a classroom assistant within the same school, so has every right to be in the group chat if she wants from a parents POV

What he has said is obviously offensive and of course the girl would have been upset and had every right to raise it to be addressed.

However, no 7 year old child is racist. If they have discriminatory world views it’s because of their home life. This is not the case here.

OP, you have done nothing wrong. You have let your son know the issue with what he said, educated him and provided consequences. Him apologising and explaining that he did not mean any offence but recognising that he did anyway, is definitely what needs to happen, with the support of the teachers.

The WhatsApp group is outrageous behaviour. It would be one thing if someone simply shared what their child had said and asked if anyone else had the same, should they tell the school etc, but shaming a 7 year old is so unnecessary.

Yes, I have always supported the girls mum bringing it up with the school - I would have liked to have been told about it sooner than later so it was dealt with appropriately.