DS made racist comment at school

[ellie09]

I have a DS age 7 who has ASD and he struggles quite a bit socially.

I am utterly appalled and ashamed by what I have heard this morning. This wasn't any thing directly to me or by the teacher.

DS apparently made a comment to a girl in his class saying he "didn't want to play with her as she has brown skin". This apparently blown up in a private group chat on WhatsApp that I was not aware of. I hadn't had any communications from teachers or other parents, so I was confused.

His best friend at school is a Muslim boy and his granny is Brazilian. He has grown up around different skin colours from a baby. We have had a serious conversation today in which I have told him he must apologise to this girl tomorrow.

However, I am also angry that this has been put on a WhatsApp group before anybody has even spoken to me, I assume the teachers aren't even aware. Of course, this has caused outrage in the group chat (and rightly so!) but I can't help but feel this was wrongly handled by the other parent as this is a group of 7 year old children and issues like this can escalate very quickly.

How do I handle this moving forward? Do I request a meeting with the head teacher and make them aware of the incident etc?

I feel really sick at the thought of walking my child into school tomorrow, knowing that most will be judging based on what they have heard.

Btw, I'm not in the group chat - screenshots were sent to me by another parent.

The school should not come down hard on him. Firstly he is seven and secondly it's far better for them to talk through his actions and to discuss how it might have been upsetting for the girl and it is not a good thing to say. The WA group are full of idiots.

I think parent What's App groups can be quite toxic and the discussion of incidents at school is inappropriate, having said that different people have different views and they cannot be policed.

With regard to the incident I think it is one for the School, the child's comments given the content aren't necessarily racist, as a society people have become very quite to jump to this allegation without considering the issue in its context. My daughter was talking for example about discriminatory pricing and saying how she thought this was a good thing and was accused of being racist at school!

If the children's reports are true, your child said something inappropriate and hurtful and now the other kid's mum is getting other mums to all shame and humiliate him and on WhatsApp.

I think the best thing to do is to tell the school what happened, including about the WhatsApp group and ask them to communicate to parents about this.

A 7 year old's inappropriate actions is likely due to age and inexperience.

The mums do not have this excuse however and the school should say something.

I have asked to be added to it - waiting to be added

This.

It's telling that some posters can have so much empathy towards those on the receiving end of racist comments but yet none for a disabled child.

You need to read OP’s comment that I quoted. One of the people on the WhatsApp group is employed by the school.

As far as I am aware, she hasn't said anything, but hasn't stopped it either.

She should have reported it to the school. If she hasn’t make sure the school knows she is in the group.

I think adding yourself to the group is a bad idea to be honest. All that will happen is a new group will be formed and you won’t be in it.

I would hope she has made the SMT aware of it, so they are prepared to respond appropriately tomorrow and work with both OP and the mother of the 7 year old girl to acheive a positive outcome.

Why on earth have you asked to join the group?? This is a group you have described as making unacceptable comments about your child and you want to join it...

I think you've done really well to address the issue.
It's not like you're giving your DS free passes and holding him to account.
He'll likely remember why he had to miss out on pleasurable experiences and also cemented the fact when you asked him to write an apology.
If you hadn't held him responsible at all, it would be different.

This is an unfortunate incident.

YANBU. It sounds like you’ve dealt with it in the right way, discussing with your DS and helping him let his friend know he’s sorry, plus wanting to discuss with the school. The behaviour of 7 year olds should be dealt with discretely via the school and/or the family concerned, not shared in a parents’ WhatsApp group.

I can understand parents wanting to support the parents of the girl it was said to, but it’s inappropriate to post it in a larger group. If they want to alert each other that kids are saying racist things, they could post that without naming a particular child.

So, hold your head high. The parents and kids who are your and your DS’s friends will be your friends. Those who aren’t won’t. If they want to be judgey without knowing the full story, it’s their problem. Not yours.

I agree with all @edithbond is saying. The WhatsApp group is going too far.

So he is also a victim of racism?
This school sounds like it has significant issues with bullying based on skin colour, and disability.
I wonder why this child didn't report your sons comment to a teacher OP? Or maybe she did and was ignored as school staff are not taking bullying seriously.

Are the bullies parents in this whatts app group OP?

People worry far too much about things children say.

I'm not jumping to any conclusions as it's hearsay from 7 year olds

But my 7 year old said to me that his "friends" pointed out his skin and said they didn't like it. He copies behaviour and probably replicated it with his friend.

Not saying it's okay, before anyone gets at me.

I just didn't know it was a wider issue within his class, as I was only informed it was my DS to begin with, until DS settled and told me the chain of events.

I worry that if not reprimanded, this will spill over into adulthood, so I do worry and I action as and when it comes up

This is a group making comments about my child that I can't access to put my point across or any actions I am doing to rectify.

The fact it's even said in a group where the parents concerned have no eye on is concerning. Especially when parents/school are not informed

Its not ablest to expect the OP to do better on the subject of racism with her DS. Everything she has written here suggests she does not have the skills to do that herself. She is obsessed with getting back at the WhatsApp group, yet here she is calling them out rather than focusing on the girl who was affected and how she can help her son learn from this. As for the son, he in on the Autistic spectrum but this does not mean there should not be reasonable expectations or consequences. The opportunity to learn on this occasion is being squandered

On disabiliy. So many people calling him a disabled 7 year old. None of the individuals I know like to be reduced to just being called 'disabled', it's reductive. They and their parents have fought hard for them to be able to reach their potential and be included when their ASD was being used to restrict their growth and make their world smaller. So don't @me about disabilities when you are being so reductive.

Have you read any of the posts where I updated on what I have done with DS today?

What else do you expect me to do with a 7 year old?

Ad yet the OP said they have not said anything on the group chat about the incident.

I'd ignore certain posters, you've been marked as a racist now so anything you say is going to be used as proof of that.

My children are brown, if this situation had happened to them I wouldn't be bitching about a 7-year-old child on WhatsApp groups, I'd have been contacting the school to deal with it. These grown women are bullies.

Yeah, a reaction I was expecting

Going to see leadership team in the morning to address this. If I am the only one there waiting and not the other parent also, it shows how serious they are taking it vs general gossip nonsense.

This whole thing / thread is now beyond the point of being blown out of proportion