DS made racist comment at school

[ellie09]

I have a DS age 7 who has ASD and he struggles quite a bit socially.

I am utterly appalled and ashamed by what I have heard this morning. This wasn't any thing directly to me or by the teacher.

DS apparently made a comment to a girl in his class saying he "didn't want to play with her as she has brown skin". This apparently blown up in a private group chat on WhatsApp that I was not aware of. I hadn't had any communications from teachers or other parents, so I was confused.

His best friend at school is a Muslim boy and his granny is Brazilian. He has grown up around different skin colours from a baby. We have had a serious conversation today in which I have told him he must apologise to this girl tomorrow.

However, I am also angry that this has been put on a WhatsApp group before anybody has even spoken to me, I assume the teachers aren't even aware. Of course, this has caused outrage in the group chat (and rightly so!) but I can't help but feel this was wrongly handled by the other parent as this is a group of 7 year old children and issues like this can escalate very quickly.

How do I handle this moving forward? Do I request a meeting with the head teacher and make them aware of the incident etc?

I feel really sick at the thought of walking my child into school tomorrow, knowing that most will be judging based on what they have heard.

Btw, I'm not in the group chat - screenshots were sent to me by another parent.

Don't be an arsehole. You are deliberately misinterpreting what she has said to make a point.

Please see school leadership first thing on Monday. They need to help guide you both and perhaps help deal with other parents.

i would expect adults to know that 7 year old children can come out with all sorts of nonsense. It should be dealt with sensibly by parents and school. It should not be discussed on a WhatsApp group.

@ellie09 I actually think most of your response has been quite reasonable. Please don't take my posts on this thread as personal criticism - I am frustrated by the Mumsnet commenters but I get that this is very stressful for you and I think you've handled it well under the circumstances. I don't mean my criticism of commenters (with no direct personal stake) to come off as an attack on you

Why be so unpleasant? The OP is doing her best to sort out the issue so why attack her?

I had an issue relating to racism this week that I wasn’t happy with our school about. Anti-racism week. Asked to do certain things to support this. My child (autistic) said to a child not following the rules re this that they were racist and got pulled up for it. In his mind it was fine. The school had said follow these rules if you are not racist - the natural
progression was anyone not following was racist. It wasn’t helped with the school staff not understanding what week it was and thinking it was an anti bullying week so the context to the comment was missed. People jump to incorrect conclusions all the time and it’s not fair for the children involved.

OP - you are now acting in a similar way to the people on the WhatsApp

You are keeping your child off school.

You have made a leap yourself that now he is a victim of racism and that is why he said what he did.

You are saying its the school's fault and they need to do more sessions about diversity.

Etc etc

Wouldn't it be more rational to simply send your child to school and contact the school and ask them to look into it?

Honestly all the parents sound like they are the ones who need some sessions on diversity and bullying.

Personally I don’t think you should have punished your son OP but it’s done now, I think you should definitely draw a line under it now and give him lots of love. He’s seven, he’s a child, a confused child I imagine at so much drama, there’s no way he has made a racist comment with ill intent. I think the whole thing has been blown totally out of proportion, the What’s App group sound like the ones who need a good talking to. I do hope he can settle back down at school and get the support he needs.

School WhatsApp groups should be about missing PE kit and what time is the disco starting. They should NEVER be used to have a go at teachers or children. It sounds to me that parents making comments on this WhatsApp chat have got less sense than the 7 year old child. Quite frankly, they need to grow up.

The parents of the child who was upset have the right to raise their concern with the school. The school must discuss what was said with OP and her DS. Everyone else needs to butt out.

OP I’m not sure you should punish your son for what was just a curious comment? I thought you had updated to say he just asked why her skin was dark and then referring to his own skin said he didn’t like dark skin? Sounds like there was no malicious intent so why the punishment??

Surely you just need to explain to him that it can be very sensitive to make remarks about other people’s bodies, and also offer some education around race and sensitivity.

you could also explain to him about why people have different coloured skin and melanin etc .

I feel like by punishing him for an unintentional offence you are actually introducing some sort of shame/ taboo/ censorship around race and racial differences which surely can’t be helpful or healthy for anyone?

The school can't "discipline" parents! They're not employees. In any case, if they "discipline" the other Mum for discussing it on a private WhatsApp chat of 15, they will then need to discipline OP for discussing it on a public forum of thousands.

A Mum whose child has just dealt with a racist incident at school is entitled to tell her friends how upset she is about it. Her friends are entitled to say that it is disgusting behaviour (and OP herself says she's disgusted by it on here!) and that they think the school should take action to discipline the child involved.

From what OP says, no-one on the WhatsApp group has insulted his disability, called HIM personally a disgusting child, or called for violence against him. They're just appalled by the behaviour and sympathetic to the victim.

I never joined the WhatsApp group but I assumed it would be used for that etc.

I thought wrong. Apparently it's for airing personal grievances with individual 7 year olds who aren't even on the group to rectify the situation

It needs dealing with it but you know that.
I find it shameful that a cliquey group of parents have decided to make a group chat to slag off a 7 year old. I suspect some of them are enjoying the drama and gossip.
Speak to the school, do not engage or overly apologise to the parents.
Your son is 7 and still learning boundaries. These are adults who should know better.

This is unhelpful and mean spirited.
Op is asking for support.

The attitude you’ve portrayed is also part of the problem.

In terms of tomorrow

• I have emailed school along with screenshots of the group chat to let them know about the incident

• I have let them know DS will be late tomorrow as I intend to visit and speak to headmaster when I take him in

• DS has apology letter for the girl in his bag ready to give to her tomorrow

This doesn't make sense. ASD might mean that a person has severe learning difficulties and is literally unable to understand. I don't know if this applies in this case - it doesn't sound as if it does - but to generalise like you have is in itself discriminatory. As long as we have children with SEN who are being denied a suitable education that meets their needs, and being shoehorned into mainstream education, I'm not sure how 'mistakes' can be avoided. Inclusivity has consequences, and one which requires understanding and compassion on all sides to help make it work as well as it can. This is not about a 'free pass' and use of this inappropriate cliche risks lumping all children with ASD into the same category, and insodoing, misunderstands the enormous challenges that some of these vulnerable children face.

DP calls the parent WhatsApp the “school gates rebellion group”

He dropped out, before he replied w something he would regret …. there were some poop-stirring mums trying to get others “on side” about their own personal grievances. Trying to get others to write letters of complaint etc. They would pounce on new families to get the “on side” petty things like cost of items at a bake sale.

Stop with the "he has a brown friend so...". I hate it when people say this. We don't suddenly become antidotes to racism by racists. We are not deracisms licenses.
Having said that, you'd boy is 7 and still learning to socialise and so it's good you are talking to him. You can't control what people put on WhatsApp. It wasn't a teacher so am not sure how much you can affect what people say, do or how they do it. You can have a chat with the mums but be careful not to make it worse. Not to sound defensive. But also understand that this will blow over. You can choose to give it time to dir naturally. You will not be able to put out every fire your son starts.

I have not RTFT but wanted to comment about how we helped my son who has ASD when we needed to talk about things and he couldn’t manage it. We would ask him to write it down, or to draw pictures. We would then do a social story with stick people and sad or happy faces to demonstrate how words can make others feel happy or unhappy, and why sometimes other people overhearing things will also feel upset and angry.

ableism is pretty shit too. You’re talking about a disabled 7 year old child here. Or is racism the only form of prejudice that matters to you?

Are you sure it's not echolalia?

I hope the Headteacher will not be available. I hope they are focused on educating their students and creating a safe space for all children irrespective of skin colour. If parents have a WhatsApp group you need to approach those parents, its not the schools job to do it.

Of course its the schools business when a member of their staff is on this group! At the very least it's against their social media policy.

How do you know the headmaster is free then?