DS made racist comment at school

[ellie09]

I have a DS age 7 who has ASD and he struggles quite a bit socially.

I am utterly appalled and ashamed by what I have heard this morning. This wasn't any thing directly to me or by the teacher.

DS apparently made a comment to a girl in his class saying he "didn't want to play with her as she has brown skin". This apparently blown up in a private group chat on WhatsApp that I was not aware of. I hadn't had any communications from teachers or other parents, so I was confused.

His best friend at school is a Muslim boy and his granny is Brazilian. He has grown up around different skin colours from a baby. We have had a serious conversation today in which I have told him he must apologise to this girl tomorrow.

However, I am also angry that this has been put on a WhatsApp group before anybody has even spoken to me, I assume the teachers aren't even aware. Of course, this has caused outrage in the group chat (and rightly so!) but I can't help but feel this was wrongly handled by the other parent as this is a group of 7 year old children and issues like this can escalate very quickly.

How do I handle this moving forward? Do I request a meeting with the head teacher and make them aware of the incident etc?

I feel really sick at the thought of walking my child into school tomorrow, knowing that most will be judging based on what they have heard.

Btw, I'm not in the group chat - screenshots were sent to me by another parent.

I am brown so maybe I can speak. When this has happened to my DC when very young, I have brought it up with the teacher and it was handled in confidence.
I wouldnt ever put anything on a WA group. I expect others may disagree but I dont believe in shaming children.

Yes you should speak to the teacher asap

Yes - I have friends from all different backgrounds and DS has family of a different race. I have no idea how this is has happened and I feel physically sick going to school tomorrow.

We all know mob mentality is real and parents usually get the blame.

I may wait until after the school rush, and go in afterwards tomorrow until I get speaking to someone.

Did your DS definitely make the comment? Was it overheard by a parent or are they relying on what a child reported?

I put this to try and add context - he has been around different races from he was born. It's not something unusual to him or taught to him from home.

I am absolutely appalled by his comments - I feel physically ill as it's not the way he was brought up

Yes, childrens reports are often unreliable. This is why teachers need to be involved and there should be no discussions on social media.

Who’s in the group chat? How do they know what he said?

Apparently this was other children reporting back to their parents.

Several other "cliquey" parents. I'd say about 15 in total. Apparently this was what other children said when they got home. I assume the children in the same friendship group.

The girl he apparently said it to was a good friend of his last year.

What kind of WhatsApp group was it, a small group of friendly mums or full class?

I would speak to the mum in question and just say you are really sorry he said it, extremely embarrassing and no idea where it’s come from. You’ve spoken to him and if made it clear that it’s not acceptable. If it happens again please will she let you know. I would hint that he’s 7 and at that age they do say stupid things.

Maybe she’s put it in the group to find out if there are other incidents.

I wouldn’t worry yourself with that just make sure you’ve spoken to her and apologised. It will all blow over. At that age children do all sorts of mean things - the other parents will know that.

This is sad that it’s blown up on social media and you cannot deal with this discreetly as your little boy has needs and is so young. Also you’ve heard about this is a very unfair way rather than via a teacher or someone who would be more professional.

I think making an appointment and going in later is the right thing to do. Sorry you are going through this.

Have you asked him about it?

Any time I have asked he was cried uncontrollably and hasn't been able to answer in coherently.

Well it sounds to me your little boy needs support and not rejection and ridicule. Definitely let the school support you going forward.

I think so too, I don't want to be met with a mob of angry parents, and hope that the school can address it on the school app to all the class so they are aware it had been addressed.

However you are feeling about the situation… imagine how the girl felt when your son said that to her?! I’d be livid if it were one of my children, despite the parent not acting in the way you would like, they were probably bouncing off the ceiling when their child told them!

I say this gently op - Mumsnet may not be the best place to talk about this. I totally empathise with your situation and sometimes I have asked for support on here and got amazing support but sometimes people can be horrible behind a phone who don’t know your lovely little boy and I’ve no empathy 💐

Even though he has ASD, I am well aware that kids with this can still be mean, be bullies etc. I think it should be handled delicately with any child, though.

Exactly. I was just thinking this myself. Poor girl. These comments can scar for life.

100%!!!! I still remember this being said to me when I was in primary school & I’m now in my thirties!!!

I would be livid too - I would be marching straight into the school the next day and demanding to speak to headmaster about it!

Honestly, I was appalled with DS and he got told off, he's grounded etc. There isn't much I can do when I am not there to control/mediate the situation

The little boy has autism !!! Social skills are his difficulty. He would not have meant it in this way. Op is already feeling awful and has heard this indirectly without any evidence or professionalism. Just be careful. Of course this was awful for the little girl and op knows this and that’s why she is reaching out !! Honestly !!

Can you get the parent who posted the screenshots to you to post on the group that you are aware, are mortified and are dealing with the situation with the school, but you would appreciate them remembering that it is a 7 year old boy with SEN that they are discussing and to please close the discussion about the incident?

In the main we make allowances when 7 year olds make mistakes, especially social ones. We focus on helping that child to understand that what they have said is unacceptable and helping them to learn for the future. We do not expect them to arrive fully socially formed and aware.

The chances are he did not want to play with this girl for lots of reasons. Choosing friends is part of primary learning.

Whoever put this in a WA group was out of order - it is so easy for children to feel ostracized and parental piling in does not help. Who amongst us has not had a moment when a child of ours does something we wish they had not? - hit, spat, lost their tempers etc. - or like one of my little ones who asked why a fat lady approaching us in the street had "no knees" - we all have moments when we want the floor to swallow us up. We use it as a learning opportunity and make allowances for their immaturity, whilst at the same time being quite clear about what is acceptable or not.

I would speak to the girl's mother and say you are very sad to hear what your son said and that she can rest assured that you are dealing with this with your son. I am sure this girl has herself done things her mother would rather she had not - hopefully she will understand and will appreciate your seeking her out.

I think it is worth making the teacher aware of what has happened so that he/she can be on the alert for any discomfort from the girl involved.

Unfortunately I do not think you can do anything about what goes onto a private group chat. Fellow parents should understand that our children (especially when small) sometimes let us down.