DS made racist comment at school

[ellie09]

I have a DS age 7 who has ASD and he struggles quite a bit socially.

I am utterly appalled and ashamed by what I have heard this morning. This wasn't any thing directly to me or by the teacher.

DS apparently made a comment to a girl in his class saying he "didn't want to play with her as she has brown skin". This apparently blown up in a private group chat on WhatsApp that I was not aware of. I hadn't had any communications from teachers or other parents, so I was confused.

His best friend at school is a Muslim boy and his granny is Brazilian. He has grown up around different skin colours from a baby. We have had a serious conversation today in which I have told him he must apologise to this girl tomorrow.

However, I am also angry that this has been put on a WhatsApp group before anybody has even spoken to me, I assume the teachers aren't even aware. Of course, this has caused outrage in the group chat (and rightly so!) but I can't help but feel this was wrongly handled by the other parent as this is a group of 7 year old children and issues like this can escalate very quickly.

How do I handle this moving forward? Do I request a meeting with the head teacher and make them aware of the incident etc?

I feel really sick at the thought of walking my child into school tomorrow, knowing that most will be judging based on what they have heard.

Btw, I'm not in the group chat - screenshots were sent to me by another parent.

To be honest this kind of thing does worry me, my son is 5 and also ASD, and also made a racist comment recently. It's tough dealing with it even without all that fallout in a way that he can actually understand. Sorry that your son has had his confidence knocked so much by the whole thing.

It's the first time I have ever heard to him making a comment to this degree and he has a highly multicultural class for the last 4 years at school. It's just very odd to me as well.

Don't be ridiculous. Making up your own scenarios is really not helpful.

Was it the parent of the child your dc said this to who raised it on the WhatsApp group @ellie09 or someone else sticking their oar in? Has the parent got your contact details?

Raise it with school asap, maybe email today and follow up in person/with a call tomorrow. They absolutely should have let you know.

Are you sure he even said "because she's got brown skin" rather than using her brown skin as a description?
My dd is autistic and used to refer to people by unusual descriptions eg peach colour hands, rainbow under the eyes, sparkly hair (blonde).

Hey OP, can't help with the whatsapp but offering some solidarity as we had a v similar situation with DS in his reception year. We also come from a very multicultural town, with lots of different people and cultures represented within our neighbours, friends and peers at school.

School was studying Windrush, and so we were talking a lot at home about how people treated others differently because of the colour of their skin, clothes they wore, eating different things, celebrating different holidays etc. I bought a few story books which spoke about racism, disability etc and was trying to basically gently start it being something we were all aware of. But in hindsight I wonder if it was actually all a bit much for a 4/5 year old. When someone said something mean to him at school, DS replied with something back involving skin colour and it kicked off. We're not even sure exactly what was said either way as small kids aren't reliable witnesses! But basically have concluded as @Barleysugar86 and a few others have said, he clocked this had the ability to be hurtful/controversial, so when he was being hurt he used it. Same as calling his little sister a 'baby' as he knows that's the word which riles her up the most. Not okay, but when you're that little and don't fully understand the historic weight behind it you can see how it would happen.

He was really surprised at the strength of feeling shown by the other kid and the school at what he had said, especially as the other kid (who had started the name calling) basically wasn't told off at all. To find a silver lining it was actually very educational for DS as an example about how not all insults are created equal, and the power of words to harm. Since then we've continued to educate, read stories that showcase a variety of cultures, skin colours, body types, abilities etc. I think the best thing you can do is keep an open dialogue long term.

School handled it really well, but there were no vigilante parents. Hope it all works out okay xx

7 year olds can make mistakes, they are children. If it's an one off incident, it won't scar anyone for life.

He's 7, so not quite up for leadership of a neo-Nazi group.

Children don't see the world the way that adults do, and are prone to saying and doing things that, as adults, we need to manage and explain. That is what the OP has tried to do and is trying to put right. At that age is is quite possible for children to be inconsistant - they can have a diverse range of friends and not even think clearly about things like skin colour. The OP wasn't excusing what he said.

What was very wrong here is a group of ADULTS judging and labelling a child very inappropriately on social media rather than speaking to the school or the parent. And you are being no better than them. A child of 7 needs guidance - not outing and cruelty.

If the lad had called a kid Speccy four eyes (a common insult in my school days for anyone who wore glasses) fat, thin, stupid, or any other insulting remark that kids come out with when they are being horrible...(and most are from time to time) would there be this kind of outrage I wonder?

The parents who decided to castigate the boy on social media, are the ones who should be contemplating where they went wrong.

One of my kids will say the worst thing he can think of in high stress and meltdown situations. We had a situation where he had felt intimidated by another child at school and responded by saying he would bring a weapon in to harm them. He has never ever been violent in school.

The school contacted me, so I got ds to write an apology to the child and I wrote one to their parents, confirming that we were taking it seriously and there were consequences given. He has never done anything like that again and the other parent certainly didn't splash it all over social media.

Your son may have said something he knew was bad to close down a situation he was uncomfortable in, as he lacks the skills to deal with it appropriately. That doesn't make it ok to use racist language, but you can at least use this as a chance to intervien and help him to prevent it happening in future. It doesn't mean that he is racist, or meant it in that wat.

I think it will all blow over once school deal with it, but I understand your concerns about DS and you as parents being targeted. It was inappropriate for them to discuss it on a WhatsApp group before talking to the school and you.

DS is autistic and mixed heritage with brown skin and around that age another child made a comment about not liking his friend who also has brown skin. He really internalised it and both us and the school had to work on his self confidence after that. These comments said without understanding do impact on the children they are aimed at.

The NT child that made the comment was spoken to and not targeted because we dealt with the school and at 7 they were too young to understand fully the consequences, their parent in this case was known to make racist comments and they were repeating what they heard at home. They didn't continue once school worked on teaching them it was not ok.

I would make sure you do some ongoing social story work with your DS on being kind and kind words. We have had to do this with DS before. It is hard at age 7 when they are ND especially if socially their developmental stage is younger. At that age DS did not understand the difference between girls and boys fully. He also said things in anger without thinking about the emotional impact for others first and still does.

Shame on those parents discussing this on a group chat; what nasty, inappropriate, inadequate individuals.
Good luck op at school tomorrow and hope all get the support they need.

I agree that the parents shouldn't be discussing this on WA, the parent of the child concerned should have waited to raise it with the school. You need to speak to his teacher first thing tomorrow so the incident can be investigated and they can also be prepared for any fallout.

I completely agree with this - the mum can discuss it if she wants to. They aren't telling lies

So long as you are educating from this help teaching him then I think you have done the right thing. I would be reluctant to punish with the autism in mind. Some autistic individuals have quite black or white think so it wouldn't be racist to him. Not all comments are meant with malicious intent and some parents like the drama unfortunately. I would definitely be raising with the school the fact they are discussing a 7 year old with autism in a group chat. I would say those parents need to grow up and also look at their own understanding of children with additional needs.

At that age his comment could just have easily been “I don’t want to play because you have blue eyes/red hair/blond hair/freckles/are tall/small/fat/skinny/ male/female”. He has expressed a feeling on a basis of physical difference not race. Any and all of those things would need to be explained to him in terms of why they are hurtful. Parents jumping to call him out as racist are missing the point entirely and causing drama where it is not needed. If he’d used a racial slur or directly referred to ethnicity it would be different.

I would certainly make contact with the parents of the other child, probably through the school unless you already know her, and check what their daughter says was said.

And I hope all the parents on the whatsapp group are certain that their child has never called yours any disablist slurs.

He’s seven. I expect he’s said it in the same way kids say ‘because he’s a boy’ or ‘because he’s got red hair’. He isn’t racist, he probably doesn’t understand what it even means to be ‘racist’ and I think the school WhatsApp group sounds utterly pathetic. You speak to your son, ensure he understands and then forget about it.

🙄

This ^^

How is OP ignorant?
The post is titled ‘DS made racist comment’ they are acknowledging the fact it was a racist comment!

Yes, I'm fully aware of how the comment was, especially to someone of a different race. I am in no way saying it's acceptable.

I am just upset at how it is being handled by the other parents.

It was actually brought up by another parent (friend of the parent in question), not the actual mother either.

Naturally, people that we perceive as being different to ourselves will be treated with suspicion and caution. Be it colour of skin, disability, religious dress etc. It's an innate biological instinct that going back millennia, protected us from possible danger.

As parents in the modern age, we have a duty and responsibility to bring our children up and to integrate them into the society in which we live, as best as we can. But each child is different, with their own needs, and this will impact how successful we are in this mission.

The fact that your son has autism means that he has language based disability likely impacting cognitive functioning. This will make any messaging about treating other people who are outwardly different from ourselves kindly etc., much harder for him to fully understand. He is only 7.

Hopefully the school will be proactive in supporting the little girl involved and your son in a kind and sensitive manner, just as anyone else, including other parents, should be. But in answer to your question, yes I would be looking to speak to the Head as soon as possible to ensure that support will be put in place promptly.

Has he admitted it or was it witnessed? Or is all this furore on a seven year olds say so? Seven year olds are not the most reliable witnesses I would want to be sure of the facts before anything else.