DS made racist comment at school

[ellie09]

I have a DS age 7 who has ASD and he struggles quite a bit socially.

I am utterly appalled and ashamed by what I have heard this morning. This wasn't any thing directly to me or by the teacher.

DS apparently made a comment to a girl in his class saying he "didn't want to play with her as she has brown skin". This apparently blown up in a private group chat on WhatsApp that I was not aware of. I hadn't had any communications from teachers or other parents, so I was confused.

His best friend at school is a Muslim boy and his granny is Brazilian. He has grown up around different skin colours from a baby. We have had a serious conversation today in which I have told him he must apologise to this girl tomorrow.

However, I am also angry that this has been put on a WhatsApp group before anybody has even spoken to me, I assume the teachers aren't even aware. Of course, this has caused outrage in the group chat (and rightly so!) but I can't help but feel this was wrongly handled by the other parent as this is a group of 7 year old children and issues like this can escalate very quickly.

How do I handle this moving forward? Do I request a meeting with the head teacher and make them aware of the incident etc?

I feel really sick at the thought of walking my child into school tomorrow, knowing that most will be judging based on what they have heard.

Btw, I'm not in the group chat - screenshots were sent to me by another parent.

to be frank the problem with these sorts of things, the victim/ victim parents easily becomes the perpetrator. Their actions of how they respond is always up for judgement when it shouldn’t be. I’m assuming he said it in front of others so that’s public humiliation for the little girl. Also this is where systemic racism begins- in schools with these little comments that brings in skin colour/race. FYI people of colour can also be very prejudiced and biased. Bring a family of colour does not mean colourism etc…doesn’t exist within, as racism is a social construct.

Your little boy may cry when you bring it up, but this discussion needs to be had so he understands why it’s wrong and you can understand why he said it if you consider yourself someone who is truly anti racist. In saying that Approaching the school and asking them to investigate what actually happened almost like fact finding would be my first point of call. Hopefully from there, some form of restorative between your son and this girl and you and the parents can take place.

As for the watsapp group, how did you find out about it? If you are not in it, I’m assuming it’s a friends group in which case you can’t control what is/isn’t said as it’s a private chat room amongst friends.

I applaud you for trying to solve it and reaching out . These things are always do uncomfortable for everyone.

Who amongst us has not had a moment when a child of ours does something we wish they had not? - hit, spat, lost their tempers etc. - or like one of my little ones who asked why a fat lady approaching us in the street had "no knees" - we all have moments when we want the floor to swallow us up.

If it makes you feel any better, @Mischance, my brother (when very young) pointed at the first black person he had ever seen and shouted with obvious delight "look, a golliwog!" 😱

Yeah that’s terrible. Some will read what you’ve said and laugh, and that’s the problem. It trivialises what is a social construct and what affects people later in life when it comes to basic living.

Also I don’t know any child of colour who makes comments about white skin. It’s very very rare if it does happen. I’ve always found this very telling

Don't engage with the WhatsApp group at all. Don't do anything except phone the school today and say you need one of the staff to call you tomorrow morning asap about an urgent matter. Then tell the staff member about your understanding of what has happened. If any parents confront you, tell them the school are now involved to find out what actually went on. On repeat. I wouldn't make any apologies. You don't know what happened. You weren't there. And neither were they.

This is absolutely horrible and awful situation to be in, and I feel very sorry for your child (as it seems he understands what he said was wrong) and the other kid who your DS said it to - poor thing, hearing that must have been awful. But I disagree with parents being involved in discussing or judging you - school should deal with this first. You need to contact them asap.

We had a similar situation in our school, it ended up badly as one of the parents attempted to attack the other one after a few days of heated exchange on parents whatsapp group. You should take control over it to prevent escalation.

I would also suggest kids may say thigs like that without fully understanding the meaning and awfulness of it - often repeating stuff they heard from older kids for reaction etc. It is very important to educate them and explain this is an absolutely unacceptable thing to say. I would also not blame the parents - its unfair unless you know for sure they are racist.

I think it's something to speak to the school about - not least how they can support your son with social situations and understanding how certain things are hurtful and not okay. The school should also be able to help work out with the other parents (that is, monstering a child in a group chat isn't acceptable - especially when the child's parent/the school are unaware of the problem).

Kids at the age of seven, even neurotypical ones, sometimes say things that they don't realise are hurtful and not socially acceptable. Definitely work with the school on how you can resolve this issue; they've likely dealt with similar in the past.

You have let your son down here. You haven't even heard his account of things and spoken to him properly. Even if he did say it, grounding him and getting angry is not the answer for a 7 year old autistic child. Speak to your child properly, and explain to him why comments like that are offensive and why it would be very hurtful to the child he said it to.
The only people I would be livid with are the lynch mob on WA who should know better that to attack a 7 year old. That is outrageous and you need to find your backbone and advocate for your child.

Everyone is being so dramatic. He is 7 for gods sake. I say this as a brown person. Just explain that's it's wrong and he won't do it again

Hmm. When she was about the same age as the OP's child, my best friend told me that her daughter was walking home with her when she sarted yanking at her mothers arm and going "Look, look". Her mum couldn't see anything, but her daughter insisted there was something weird. When asked what was the matter her daughter said "Look, look -there's a (P -word i won't repeat) with an English lady - is that allowed?" My friend was (a) hugely embarrassed and (b) perplexed because she (and her daughter) are from Pakistani heritage, and I am "English". When she pointed that out to her daughter, her daughter argued that I "couldn't be English".

And there are plenty of perjorative words for white skinned people in most languages - are you suggesting they are never used by children because I know different?

It's not right whoever uses them, and we all need to ensure that we set better examples to our children. But it also isn't just a "white peoples burden". Racism should not exist, and we should, as a species, be able to do better by now. But comments about a persons appearance are common amongst children because those are the most noticeable things about them to young minds. Our job is to teach them to look beyond the differences.

How do you know? I have seen plenty of stuff online and at the park. I have seen racism directed at all races.

Is he being bullied by the group by any chance?

@ellie09 thag is a terrible suggestion. Throwing your child in front of a bus instead of listening and helping. Terrible advice.

He gets picked on by a lot of kids who like to wind him up and witness his meltdowns

IThis might be a reaction to bullying. I would help him rather than throw him to the wolves. Some people on her turn my blood cold.

Kids learn from example. Maybe the mums who are happy to castigate your child on social media should look at their own offspring.🙄

Please don't be too harsh on your son OP.
He's 7 and has ASD, it wasn't a racist comment made to be intentionally racist, he probably can't even grasp that concept. We are horrified as adults but to a young child, saying you don't want to play with someone because they have brown skin is the same as saying you don't want to play with them because they have ginger hair, straight hair, big ears, weird legs, a stupid nose, they're a girl etc etc it doesn't mean anything it's just being mean by pointing out anything that's different.

Of course you can talk to him about it but would you have grounded him if he'd said "I don't want to play with you because your hair is blonde"? or because "you are a girl" would that be construed as massively sexist? Or just a 7 year old making a silly comment. It must be incredibly confusing for a 7 year old for you to come down so harshly for a social construct like racism that even adults find hard to understand sometimes.

The adults in the WhatsApp group need to take a long hard look at themselves.

@ellie09

He's 7. They all say regrettable things. things you think they should know better than to say. Either they don't understand how hurtful the comment will be or they just say it to resolve an issue & it's all they can think of. He didn't want to play with her, maybe she kept asking or asked him why but he didn't have a reason or one he he wanted to say out loud, so blurted that out (IF he even did). He could just as easily have said you're fat/smelly/I don't like you/you're a girl.

the person putting it on a WA chat group is bang out of order. She just wants to shame him & cause an issue for you both. Pathetic. Not the way to handle the situation at all.

yes I'd go in tomorrow morning & discuss it with the appropriate person in the school.

you sound like you've come down hard on DS first before getting the facts & before discussing it with him, not only does he have ASD, but he's 7. I think that's not fair on him.

As a brown parent I would have also dealt with it discreetly, if my child came home saying they saw this I would still deal with it discreetly. Most kids have probably done or said something awful at some point. Our job is to correct not create mobs.

Thats really fucking horrible.

7 year old SEN boy said something inappropriate - being dealt with firmly by Mum and child will apologise.

WhatsApp group condemning a 7 year old child, SEN or not, is the main crime here. That behaviour is far worse, they are grownups and should know better. They are hiding behind a screen, much like some of the posters on Mumsnet.

@ellie09 , you are doing exactly the right thing. Apology, reinforcing appropriate behaviour with your son and letting school
know of the evil witches stirring on the WhatsApp group.

@ellie09 - terrible parenting. I hope you’re not like that in person

Grow up

@ellie09

My grandson got into trouble last week because an older boy told him to say something to a girl in the playground. Grandson obediently did. Guess who was in trouble. Yep my naive grandson. Primary school is a minefield. Btw it was nothing untoward.

I look at these middle class teachers at this middle class school who squeak at the slightest thing and think of family friends in inner city schools fighting off so much worse .

I found this interesting https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2020/06/25/what-white-parents-get-wrong-about-raising-antiracist-kids-how-get-it-right/
Good luck op.