My Daughter Expecting Too Much

[MotsiBallas]

My adult daughter is obsessed that I become friends with my ex husband, his wife and teenage children. We have been divorced almost 30 years and it was an abusive marriage. Since she turned 18 I’ve had nothing to do or anything to discuss with him further. I’m not interested in his life, wife or children. And am very glad that I’ve moved on to a good place with a new husband.
AIBU that I’m refusing to be ‘friends’. She says I should’ve moved on by now but I said that I’ve moved so far on that I really don’t want to go back. I don’t wish him or his family anything bad but just don’t want to play happy families.

Just say that you don't wish to discuss it and change the subject. If she continues, you have things to do.

Grey rock

"I won't ever be friends with someone that abused me and has never showed remorse"

Your dd should admire your boundaries don't include such a man.

When you say friends. What exactly is she wanting? You to meet up with ex and have coffee or just be able to be in the same room for a family event involving dd

Why does she want you to be friends?

It is quite difficult even for the adult child of divorced parents, when their family in split in this way. Particularly when it is so acrimonious.

I know so many adults whose lives are so often overshadowed at major events by the long-divorced parents refusal to get on.

I think to a recent wedding, where the mother of the bride rolled her eyes and huffed throughout the entire father of the groom speech.

I think there’s levels of tolerating each other you need to consider, for your daughter’s benefit.

"No, it is important I am a good role model to you and do not have friends who have abused me"

Does she really want you tk be friends or just able to be in the same room as each other if she has signjficant events in her life which she wants you both at eg wedding, grandchildren birthday etc. That's a bit different.

It’s ridiculous expecting a mother to be “friends” with them though, when she isn’t feeling any friendship herself.

One can be civil if at an event where the other party is present, of course. Weddings, for example. No need to be buddies.

Does your DD know about the abuse? Does she know the extent or have you minimised/downplayed it to protect her?

You need to sit down and talk about it in detail about how you feel about it all. You can do this without slagging off the ex or she might get defensive, use lots of ' I'm statements.

If she knows and is still insistent then you need a sharp word with her about how unepathetic she is to insist on this and how would she feel if a friend/sister/herself was treated like this and people insisted she remained friends with her abuser.

Kids often feel entitled to the appeasement of their mother's in a way they don't with others. Point out the hypocrisy.

Is she thinking forward and concerned about graduations / weddings / child related things will work but still naive enough to think everyone needs to play at happy families?

What is she actually asking you to do exactly?

Does she know that he was abusive to you? Do you know why it bothers her that you aren't friends. Does she want to invite you both to things? Are there important events coming up, e.g. wedding, that she thinks will be awkward?

Sorry for all the questions!

There have been times when we’ve been in the same room and I’ve been adult and decent enough to be civil for her sake. But more than that and after getting on with my life I just don’t want to be friends. She wants my other DD, her half sister, to go round there and socialise, have dinner and be part of their family. She says I’m being unreasonable and old fashioned that blended families are normal. I understand this but every family and divorce is different. I just don’t want to, it just takes me back to dark times.

Your daughter is being unreasonable and unfair.
I suspect your ex-husband wouldn’t want to be friends either. You don’t need to be friends with him. As long as you can tolerate each other in the same room at any future events of hers, the same way as you would with any other stranger attending the events, that’s fine.
With life experience she will learn that people can be civil without needing to be friends.

@MotsiBallas I am happy that you have a good relationship with your father and his family. You have to respect that I am not able to be friends with him due to circumstances that I rather not divulge because I have moved on and none of your concern. I will ofcourse be polite towards him and his family if I will run into them during an important mulestone of yours if that's what you're worried about.

Agree with this.
Does your DD know he was abusive?

How adult is she? Newly turned 18 year old with rose tinted glasses and no rela life experience?. I'd imagine if she were a 30 year old she'd get it more. Social media is full of these happy blended families and that is where she is likely getting it all from and this 'Disney' wish that if her parents aren't going to get back together again they can at least be best friends.

You are not doing anything wrong but I doubt she'll see that until she's older.

just reiterate it wasn’t a happy time, you dint want to discuss it further if she continues I would just tell her he was abusive, and you don’t want to be friends and stop bringing it up

Some things, not everything. I kept a lot from her for her own sake but she knows enough to respect my boundaries.
She doesn’t stop despite me telling her many times. My other DD is uncomfortable with going there and playing happy families but also feels pressure from her.

She’s in her 30’s

Well you'd think she'd learnt by now then.

Doesn't sound like she'll stop if she hasn't done so yet.

Is your dd in a long term relationship and is this with her first boyfriend/girlfriend? If shes got an ex, even just a school one, ask her if she’s going round for coffee with them? All friends? Say it’s weird she wants you to be friends with your ex, don’t say “your dad” call him “my ex”. Say that you don’t actually like him and would never chose to be friends with him, so you’ll always be polite for her sake but don’t want a fake friendship.

you can say if you met him now you’d not want to build a friendship with him, and she needs to respect that while he’s her dad, he’s just your ex and not someone you like.

YANBU. I think she doesn't understand the nature of your relationship and how bad things were. I don't know if you can make that clearer to her?

It should be enough that you have told her you just don't want to be around him, but I suspect because her own relationship with him is good, she is not picking up on the subtext.

I think you can both acknowledge your DD's feelings while maintaining your own boundaries. Don't shut her down - while you've had to deal with a lot, she's also had to deal with a disjointed childhood where I'm assuming that she had to spend time in two homes with parents who had minimal contact and a strained relationship with each other. That's her family reality and she might be trying to "fix" it to a certain degree by trying to get you and your ex to be friends. To a large extent, you can't blame her for accepting this narrative - presumably you tried to promote her relationship with her dad as much as you realistically could when she was a child to reassure her. "Go, you'll have fun" and "did you have a good time?" and all of that. So it must have been quite confusing for her when the narrative suddenly changed when she was an adult and could manage the relationship without you.

That's not to say that I think you should go along with her wishes or anything like that - that would clearly be the wrong thing for you, especially given the history of abuse. But can you let her know that you understand where she's coming from and are listening to her feelings, although sadly there are some relationships which are beyond repair?

That makes her more unreasonable. I assumed she was an older teenager.
Why does she have this sudden desire for you to be friends? What’s motivating her?