My Daughter Expecting Too Much

[MotsiBallas]

My adult daughter is obsessed that I become friends with my ex husband, his wife and teenage children. We have been divorced almost 30 years and it was an abusive marriage. Since she turned 18 I’ve had nothing to do or anything to discuss with him further. I’m not interested in his life, wife or children. And am very glad that I’ve moved on to a good place with a new husband.
AIBU that I’m refusing to be ‘friends’. She says I should’ve moved on by now but I said that I’ve moved so far on that I really don’t want to go back. I don’t wish him or his family anything bad but just don’t want to play happy families.

Agree @MotsiBallas you need to be civil and not ‘cold’ at things like weddings but otherwise? No, entirely up to you. No you don’t have to combine the families, it’s not for her to commenr.

Don't do it then.

Well yes, exactly, so doubly shaming to fail to understand. I think it needs saying that she’s being immature.

I think you are going to have to stop shielding her and be honest about what he was like. You don't have to go on or go into huge detail - but she needs to understand that you were profoundly damaged by him. It could damage your relationship with her if she perceives you as inexplicably refusing to do this quite simple thing for her.

You could emphasise 'people mature/ can change' if you want to avoid her feeling that she has to withdraw from him in response to the knowledge.

You really need to have an honest conversation with her OP. Tell her you’ve moved on from the dark days of abuse and that you have no wish to socialise or be friendly with someone who made your life so miserable. Ultimately it’s your decision and she will have to accept it. From your posts it seems as though she’s in her thirties so it shouldn’t be hard for her to accept that sometimes things don’t work out and that you can’t have everything you want regardless of other peoples’ feelings.

She’s in her 30s. She’s old enough to know the truth about her father. You’ve protected her from it all this time, but it’s now to your own detriment, and she doesn’t need protecting anymore. He certainly doesn’t deserve to be protected.

Is she getting engaged/married/pregnant? Maybe she wants you all to play happy families due to a big event in the near future?

But your family isn't blended. Theirs is. So she can have what she wants with them, it doesn't have to involve you, you're separate to all that

She needs to get a life

I know what you mean OP. I dread either of my children getting married and have already said I can't be in the same room as him. Noone knows what actually went on but I never ever want to see him again. It's a tough one.

Your DDs suggestion could have a detrimental effect by triggering you and all the trauma could come back so she needs to show some sensitivity and stop bringing up the subject.

long-divorced parents refusal to get on

No, no, no. There is no refusal to get on. No one should ever have to be friends with someone who lied to them, cheated on them, emotionally, physically, mentally or financially abused them. Don't be ridiculous.

I'd be fucking furious with her if she knows he was abusive, I'd tell her the apple obviously didn't fall far from the bastard tree to keep bulling me into doing what she wants with no thought to my own autonomy.

She is old enough to know better op, stop treating her with kid gloves, it has obviously made her believe if she keeps on you will cave.

In view of everything you've said, and her age OP, I would be VERY blunt with her, and lay down the law, ie, your father physically abused me on more than one occasion, if I'd liked him enough to remain friends, then I would have done so while you were younger, in order to make the separation easier for you. However, there is NO WAY that I am EVER going to be friends with ANYONE who's assaulted me, and certainly not with a man who was supposed to love and protect me. Your sister doesn't want a relationship with him, and his family either, so stop trying to bully us into doing what you want, as IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! Have I made myself clear??

Then if she brings it up again, put your hands over your ears, and sing la, la, la, la, la, la, until she gets it. She's no longer a child OP, and there's no need to continue to treat her like one.

You aren't in a blended family. Your DD is.

You need to flat out tell her that he was abusive and there is nothing 'old fashioned' or stick in the mud or 'silly' about wanting nothing to do with your abuser. Hopefully he has changed over the years and may be as nice as anything, given he hasn't apologized for the abuse or made any attempt to atone for it I don't see why you should waste one second on him when you have actual friends you can spend time with.

OP I think you should clearly stick to your hard no but do you know why this sudden change? Have you asked her why?

She’s in her 30’s!

I think you probably need to stop trying to be nice and kind about it and start getting really bloody cross with her. The next time she brings it up, shout at her. Tell her that she has no bloody idea about what happened in your marriage because you loved her so much you shielded her from it. And that while you love her so much that you will sit in the same room and be perfectly civil for big occasions in her life, you have no intention of having any sort of contact with him outside of those occasions, and that your reasons are none of her business. You don’t have to either explain them or justify your decision to her. She doesn’t need to understand it. She just has to accept it. Tell her that this obsession is verging on weird and if she can’t move past it, then she needs to speak to someone because you’re concerned about her.

Maybe a short, sharp shock is what she needs, as it seems discussing it calmly isn’t getting it through to her.

Go, you'll have fun" and "did you have a good time?" and all of that. So it must have been quite confusing for her when the narrative suddenly changed when she was an adult and could manage the relationship without you.

But she’s in her 30’s, we’re not talking about a child here, so she shouldn’t be confused as a grown woman why her Mum can’t stand her Dad.

There are plenty of couples who separate so it’s not unusual.

This. She clearly doesn’t understand - she’s still young. You did the right thing getting rid of him. No reason at all to discuss it beyond that.

To a large extent, you can't blame her for accepting this narrative - presumably you tried to promote her relationship with her dad as much as you realistically could when she was a child to reassure her. "Go, you'll have fun" and "did you have a good time?" and all of that. So it must have been quite confusing for her when the narrative suddenly changed when she was an adult and could manage the relationship without you.

But the OP hasn't changed the narrative. If she was asked about her daughter spending time with her dad and his family, she would say "go, you'll have fun" or even "did you have a good time at your dads?" She just feels the same as she did when her daughter was a child - she doesn't want to be included when the daughter visits her dad and his family.

Sorry, I read the post as her being 18!

OP you are of course not unreasonable to not want to be friends with your ex.

But I think you’ll get better advice on how to handle your DD if you could explain what type of “being friends” your DD is asking for. The only example you’ve given is her wanting her half sister to come around… does your 30 year old DD live there and DD wants her to come hang out? Or is she wanting her sister to attend special occasions there? Or for you to bring the sister? Is this a minor half sister who you need to safeguard or an adult who can manage her relationship with her sister herself? What else is your DD asking of you?

She has mistaken what a blended family is. She blends separately with your new family and his new family but the whole group doesn't merge.

It sounds like she wants you to be all matey for her convenience. It makes her life easier if you're all (in her head) one big happy family and she doesn't have to divide her time between two separate branches of her family.

That's not a you problem. As a pp said, grey rock.