My Daughter Expecting Too Much

[MotsiBallas]

My adult daughter is obsessed that I become friends with my ex husband, his wife and teenage children. We have been divorced almost 30 years and it was an abusive marriage. Since she turned 18 I’ve had nothing to do or anything to discuss with him further. I’m not interested in his life, wife or children. And am very glad that I’ve moved on to a good place with a new husband.
AIBU that I’m refusing to be ‘friends’. She says I should’ve moved on by now but I said that I’ve moved so far on that I really don’t want to go back. I don’t wish him or his family anything bad but just don’t want to play happy families.

I think I'd tell her quite sharply not to tell me who I should associate with, that her father was an abusive piece of shit and to stop being controlling.

Tell her to stop interfering and impacting your mental health for her own selfish reasons of having the status that her parents are divorced and friends.

Tell her to go do one if she wants you to destroy your mental health.

Tell her that her father was abusive and you have thankfully has closed that chapter.

OP, I am sorry this sounds just so unfair on you. Being civil is really all that's needed. Maybe she just has to understand that not everything can turn out the way she wants.

You've tried saying it nicely and she's not listening. You need to be VERY firm now and tell her that you're not going to socialise with him ever and you're not going to discuss it any more. If she continues, get up and leave. Keep doing it until she gets the message!

She's being ridiculously immature for a woman in her 30's!
Obviously if you were both happy, you'd still be married and she needs to grow up and focus on her own life
FWIW I divorced 12 years ago, and I've told my sons I would be polite if we were both in the same room, but have no interest in him at all.
I think the time has come to be blunt and say something like " it's all water under the bridge now and life moves on"
You don't need to explain he was abusive to either. She needs to respect your decision and Shut up

But she's not just pressuring you she's pressuring your other DD. And that should never have been started and certainly should come to an end immediately.

Hi op,

I am sorry you find yourself in such a tricky situation!
I would fav the younger DD because she needs to be sheltered so explain that she will not go to exh as she doesn’t want to. It is very chocking that older DD thinks she can insist on that. Young DD has the right to say “no, thank you.”
However, I would be open to try and see if something can be done as a sharing event so your exh, your old DD and yourself. If she is 30, maybe a restaurant once a year? No new partner/other kids. But also…if it is too difficult then just no. It is hard growing up but it isn’t healthy she just won’t let go. Maybe she needs to see someone…or there is something happening in her life…

Good luck 🌺

I feel sad for her because she is wanting to build a happy family but she will have to realise the damage he has done has not just cost you but her too.

I remember being little and asking my mum was she friends with my half sisters mum. Just say the relationship is in the past.

Your daughter is being ridiculous Be blunt be truthful and shut this nonsense down

Don't be such a dick. No such thing as alimony here but parents do have to financially contribute to the upbringing of their children.

What kind of nonsense are you going on about?

There's no reason to believe she received spousal support. And if she did it was because she was entitled to it. Weird comment.

Am I understanding that she wants her half-sister, your daughter with your new husband, to be involved with father's family? If so, that's crazy. She has no relationship to them.

She’s pushing you to own your boundaries. So own them.

Yeah, no, for all the reasons covered in this thread.

I would bet my favourite hat that this is partly being driven by poison in the ear from Daddy. If the abuse involved control, and he still harbours resentment about the split, a classic tactic is to appear oh so reasonable and water under the bridge, leaving you looking like the crazy ex when you want to keep your distance. I would love to know how the current wife feels about it - if she's so keen she's either trying to genuiney live up to her husbands expectations which could be for a multitude of reasons (some unpalatable), or she's quietly thinking WTAF but mustn't upset Daddy's girl.

Unfortunately adult children have to accept that patent fantasies about happy blended families are 99% of the time just that, rose tinted fantasies. And that you have the right to say no to living an illusion just to "keep the peace".

I can be civil to my ExH when I have to, but my adult son accepts that beyond that, no dice. If there's ever a wedding that we both attend, I would have to be uncharacteristically tee total because alcohol would not be my friend, and I know how brutal I can be if the filters are off and there's alot I might just have to get off my chest.

Unfortunately your daughter needs to show you and your feelings alot more respect.

There’s no way I’d ever be ‘friends’ with my ExH and his wife. He’s an arse.
I cannot understand your DD’s logic, considering the split happened years ago and you’ve had no need to be in contact since she was 18! Why is it any of her concern now at the age of 30+? Yours wouldn’t be a ‘blended family’ at all, it would be a forced family. And why does she want her half-sister - who presumably has no biological tie to your ExH - to be friends with him as well? It’s utter nonsense and she needs to be told to drop it. I’d be telling her in no uncertain terms to do so.

@Drakhan

what are you on about?!

I can understand her not wanting her life to be split in two but I think she is old enough to be told the reality of the marriage so she understands why.

yanbu

You have moved on and she needs to grow up.

She's 30 ffs, she needs to grow up and respect other people's boundaries.

I'm not surprised her half sister doesn't want to go round there, they are not her family.

As for her 'blended family remark' that generally relates to two adult blending children from different relationships. Not the children demanding half siblings and ex husbands and wives to blend.

you can never be friends with someone who abused you and your d shouldnt try to make you so . i saw my x when my son died i was respectfull at the time but it opened up old wounds even after 30 years had passed things cant be forgotten and she shouldnt have to be friends to please anyone

My DSS says that about his dad, DH. I simply say that it's,a choice made from how his ex treated him and, like you, loved on and doesn't want to go back. They were civil at my DSS wedding but that's been the only time. Stick to your guns.

TBF DD shouldn't be thinking it's a blended family her dad's wife isn't even a step mother to your younger DC.

In reality her dad's wife is just that, his wife, at 30 I wouldn't even be referring to her as my SM

Oh, aother incel

OP it's easy to understand that your daughter wants everything to be nice in the garden, but your ex took a hatchet to it and damage like that can't be undone.

It's hard for her, but she's going to have to accept it. Stick to your guns.