My Daughter Expecting Too Much

[MotsiBallas]

My adult daughter is obsessed that I become friends with my ex husband, his wife and teenage children. We have been divorced almost 30 years and it was an abusive marriage. Since she turned 18 I’ve had nothing to do or anything to discuss with him further. I’m not interested in his life, wife or children. And am very glad that I’ve moved on to a good place with a new husband.
AIBU that I’m refusing to be ‘friends’. She says I should’ve moved on by now but I said that I’ve moved so far on that I really don’t want to go back. I don’t wish him or his family anything bad but just don’t want to play happy families.

She's 30, she's being incredibly unreasonable.
Why is she so he'll bent on controlling who you see.

No point in making her happy, if that's how it works you'd have stayed married to her father.

Understandably you're going to go to events if it involves your DD and be civil but there's no real need to meet up outside of this.

As for your other DC Your DD doesn't get to force them to play happy families with a man and woman that she's not even related to.

There'll be something in it for her. Something that is she happy to override her mother's past trauma for her own benefit. Either that or she is quite cold hearted

So when did your daughter start to obsess about this, or has she done so since you divorced? Is she planning to get engaged or something else significant that could drive her to want happy families? Is she being influenced by social media, is she doing a course on psychology? If this is all fairly new, it is indeed very strange given that you divorced so long ago and given her age.

I would be seriously shutting this down or she would no be welcome in my house. If your ex was anything like mine, I would never be friendly with him if he was the last man on earth and I needed an organ donor. I can be civil, for the sake of peace - but that is it, and making your other dd feel crap for not “getting involved” is frankly batshit.

I was divorced 18 years ago..I have absolutely no reason to be friends or be in the company of my ex.

He's remarried and his wife hates me...mainly because I was married to him first..and my ex spun her tales about me to paint him as the wounded one...he's an arse !

My sons know that if there was a reason we'd have to be in the same company I'd be polite and wouldn't cause a fuss or make them uncomfortable for their sake....but I detest him !!!

YANBU, your daughter is actually behaving appallingly in even suggesting you be friends, given she knows (to some degree) that he was abusive to you. I thought you were going to say she was an immature 18 year old, but the fact she's in her 30s is even worse! Tell her YOU are the parent of your other DD, and you are choosing not to put yourself and your child in a potentially abusive situation. At 30, if she wants to run that risk to her safety, that's her business, but it's not up to her to dictate what's appropriate for her younger step-sister.

This is perfect

I think she's old enough for you to be able to be a bit more open with her about your marriage. You don't have to give her all the details, but maybe just tell her that you've never fully it discussed it with her because her relationship with her father is separate and shouldn't be tainted by knowing how things were for you, but that your own recovery from what was an abusive marriage means that what she's asking you to do is just not possible without impacting your wellbeing, and that there is no need for that to happen considering she's now in her 30s. He may well have changed and be completely different with his new wife, but that doesn't take away from the pain you experienced and the walls you've built to protect yourself. You've said you can be in a room with him and be civil, I that's more than enough of a relationship now she's allegedly grown up.

YADNBU. I would wonder what is behind this, it could be nothing to do with your former relationship. Is there any chance that she is generally quite unhappy, and is fixating on this as a “cause”? That will stop her having to face up to whatever she does need to deal with.

Adult children wanting their mothers to be friends with their abusive fathers is surprisingly common. I'm not clear why but it may be something to do with your daughter desperately, and maybe unconsciously, wishing that her father is not an abusive man and that if you were friends he isn't, it at least not any more. One of the questions really is he abusive now, and is there any chance he will hurt your daughters? Definitely support your younger daughter when she doesn't want to go. She may not be able to articulate it properly but she has instincts which it's important to respect; and she has no genetic relationship with your ex or any bonds that have developed over the years through contact and caring. Young women and girls shouldn't have to learn to put aside their wishes and feelings to their own detrimental to please others, and it's wrong for your adult daughter to pressure her to do so. The other factor that might be in play is that your adult daughter feels that because you were in a relationship with him you can't pretend it didn't happen and that in effect the two of you are always connected through her as your daughter and that you shouldn't ignore that but in fact still be her parents in working in concert if not actually together. She could actually be feeling both things, not as a rational adult but as coming from a past younger self. These feelings need to be taken seriously but they should not affect what you know you need to do as a rational adult to keep yourself and your family safe both emotionally and physically.

In her 30's , how would she feel if you started dictating who she could be friends with?
Cos thats exactly what she is tryjng to do to you! And your other daughter.
Tell her to get over herself and shut down the conversation, every time.
Only two people really know what happens in a marriage.
If she persists, she has to decide if she wants you and her sister in her life at all.. cos that wou,d be my stance

I wonder how she'd feel if she was married and then divorced, and you decided to be friends with her ex and insisted that she do the same? Relationships can be complex but your ex is basically a stranger to you with his own family and life. You have no place in each other's lives. I wonder what his new wife thinks about the idea? I suspect you and her are probably on the same wavelength, even if she is pretending otherwise to appease her husband. At some point she needs to start respecting your wishes and back off.

Does she have an ex? I’d ask her whether she fancies spending Christmas with them and their new spouse and family.
You have been civil when required, she’s being unreasonable and she needs to respect your boundaries.
In fact, tell her she needs to respect your boundaries. For all her “modern times, blended families” tripe she should at least understand the importance of respecting other people’s boundaries in this day and age.

I don't see why there is any obligation to be friends or even pleasant to an ex who has been abusive.

She's a grown woman & can't expect you to do this.

Why don't you tell her that there's more to it and that you're never going to be friends with the man who treated you so badly. Really convey to her the seriousness of his abuse.

It's time she knew a little more detail about the abuse then @MotsiBallas if she cannot understand why you dont want to go back there, help her understand. Make sure she knows youre not saying these things to affect her relationship with her dad, but as she is pressuring you, she has put you in a position of having to give her details you had tried to protect her from.

State very clearly to your daughter that you have no interest in being 'friends' with someone who hurt you and disrespected you to badly. And while you have 'moved on' in the sense that you can be perfectly civil to your ex husband when necessary, you have no desire to do more and she can't dictate who you are 'friends' with. She can do whatever she likes and want whatever she wants, but it's not up to her who you choose to be friends with and that's the end of the discussion.

@MotsiBallas She's not a child any more. She's a grown woman in her thirties. Time to spell out the level of the abuse and how it affected you, so that she understands that the vision of happy families that she has is never going to happen.

And tell your other daughter she doesn't have to play happy families either if she doesn't want to.

That’s not her call and she needs to grow the fuck up. Did she know it was an abusive relationship?

Maybe talking a little bit more about the history of marriage, types of marriages and women's rights. 30 years ago was a long time.
I think it was 1998 they started allowing weddings in 'dignified surroundings' not just church or fairly grim registry offices.
Rape was legal in marriage till 1992
So hard to escape domestic violence before mobile phones and internet access, it was really hard to find out information, you were generally looking for the right leaflet at the right time in a library or doctors surgery.
Women really couldn't drink in the public bars without a lot of grief.
Smoking everywhere!

The difference just the internet has made has put 30 years ago into a different generation and lifestyle. Were's the gap between say 2004 (Mumsnet dial up on the work modem) and 2024 is still pretty huge by say 2010 things were broadly similar to today.

@MotsiBallas

I think you need to point out to your DD that you are NOT part of a 'blended family'. Your ex and his wife have blended their families, but you and your other DD are not part of either his 'family' (him and DD) nor his wife's family (her and her DC).

Could she be worried about future events like weddings, christenings, etc? If you'll be happy to attend actual 'occasions', let her know that. Otherwise I think just reiterate your position and tell her it's not up for discussion. If she brings it up again, tell her that you've made it clear it's not going to happen and shut the conversation down. She's in her 30s. She's old enough to understand that ALL people (including parents) are entitled to make their own decisions and that other adults must respect those decisions.

I don't suppose you have any idea of her father's and stepmother's 'take' on this? Could he be encouraging it to cause trouble between you and her? I wouldn't think she'd be pushing you on it if her father wasn't encouraging it.

I've just had to write a bit of an obituary for a relative who in the 70s and 80s was a bit handy with his fists. My mum was dreadfully stuck in the past, in a well, his first wife was a bit out of line kind of way.
Writing the couple of paragraphs to acknowledge her part on their young lives, the kids and the start of his successful business was hard. With his second wife, 25ish years he's been, as far as we know, a model pillar of society.
I suspect his kids don't remember the truely awful times. They desperately want to play happy blended families.

Is he her father?

Edited to add that I've seen that he is

I still don't think you're unreasonable given that she's in her 30s and he's an abuser

I wonder why she desperately wants a relationship with him - is her relationship with you bad? Did she feel left out of the family you created when you had more children?

Still, given thst someone was abusive, I wouldn't want you to have anything to do with him if I were her, but I suspect there's maybe more to it x

In her 30s and still banging on to you about this? She’s being extremely unreasonable and why is she trying to make your other dd go round there? Does she live with your ex? No way should your younger dd (no relation to ex, presumably) be made to feel that she has to go to his house.

I think the reason for her behaviour is fundamentally selfish. It is hard to hold two conflicting emotions at the same time, so to decrease her discomfort about dad, who she loves, but who has done terrible things, she needs you to downplay your feelings and 'be friends' because then she can say dad is not so bad. You get cast as unreliable and a bit hysterical, and she gets to eliminate discomfort. Its not clear at all why you not being friends with her father means your other DD will not go there and why you are expected to fix that problem. She needs to stop. Tell her you refuse to discuss this with her any further while she is clearly so dismissive of your feelings.