My Daughter Expecting Too Much

[MotsiBallas]

My adult daughter is obsessed that I become friends with my ex husband, his wife and teenage children. We have been divorced almost 30 years and it was an abusive marriage. Since she turned 18 I’ve had nothing to do or anything to discuss with him further. I’m not interested in his life, wife or children. And am very glad that I’ve moved on to a good place with a new husband.
AIBU that I’m refusing to be ‘friends’. She says I should’ve moved on by now but I said that I’ve moved so far on that I really don’t want to go back. I don’t wish him or his family anything bad but just don’t want to play happy families.

Yes to a lot of what you say . I do recognise that divorce can be very difficult for children and it’s not easy growing up in two homes. This is why I’m asking if is unreasonable. I can see how much it means to her but no matter how much I want to say ok and make her happy, I just can’t. It’s like a huge block that I can’t get passed or wish to remember such times . She’s so obsessed and upset about this that it’s affecting me all over again.

Don’t make your other dd go if she doesn’t want to. Time to actually get angry with dd if she’s not getting the message.

Tell her very sweetly that she’s still a little young to really understand the dynamics of the situation, and that you and her sister will be making your own decisions about your friendship groups, thank you.

Tell her you’re thrilled she gets on so well with them, and know she just wants a big happy blended family, but that if that had been possible you wouldn’t have needed to divorce at all!

And after doing it all nicely, sit her down and ask her why she’s trying to insist you do something that has no benefit to you, and you strongly don’t want to do? Point out it’s really controlling for her to be trying to force you into a situation that’s not comfortable and not for your benefit. Ask her again why she think that’s ok?

Does she know about the abuse? If she does, then I suspect she wants you to be friends because that will mean the abuse hasn't really happened which she'd prefer.

If she doesn't then maybe she is living in some insta fantasy world.

Either way she does not get to dictate who you want in your life or who you are friends with. Sit her down and explain this quite clearly. It was a bad marriage at the end and you have no desire or need to be friends with your ex or his wife or his children. you wish them all the best but you don't need or want them in your life. And then tell her she can be upset about this if she wants but it will change nothing. you are in charge of your own friendships and boundaries. After that if she raises it again just say "we've had this conversation darling. you know where I stand" over and over again.

Who on earth has voted Op is being unreasonable?! And WHY?!

If she is in her 30s it is time to grow up and recognise that what might be nice for her would not be good for you. You don't have to give a reason for not wanting to be involved with an ex. Most people don't if they don't have to.

She's 18 going on 8

OP has been divorced for over 30 years so her DD is in her 30s at least!! A little old to not understand the potential dynamics.

She must be in her 30s if OP has been divorced for over 30 years.

"Your father abused me during our marriage. I will never pretend it didn't happen and be friends with him. It pains me to have to spell this out to you, and I hope you never find yourself in a similar relationship. This is all I will say on the subject. I need you to stop going on about it.

It means her attitude or expectations, not her physical age.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Hopefully she never experiences the same.

Perfect response OP@MotsiBallas ⬆️

Would she go to counselling with you? Your totally right to not go along with this.

Is she like her father OP?

I kind of get that she wants all her family together, but it's unreasonable for her to gloss over the reasons for your divorce and expect you to facilitate this at your own expense. Time she grew up and realised that we don't always get what we want and sometimes for very good reasons!

I agree with @Pallisers , if your DD knows he was abusive to you she's now trying to rewrite history and pretend that didn't happen. I'd say ignore it but she doesn't seem to be giving up so I think you're going to have to be straight with her Op- tell her he may be a good Dad to her but he was a very poor DH to you, there's more things that you don't want to talk about but he's not your friend, nor will he be, and neither you or her younger Dsis will be going to visit, then ask her to drop the subject

I thought you meant she was 18 and was going to see she appears a little immature and hasn't much knowledge of adult relationships - she will get there.

But she is in her 30's??? What? Tell her to grow up and butt out of your relationships. silly woman.

I mean to be honest even if the ex wasn't abusive you don't need to be anything more than civil at shared events. This isn't an episode of Modern Family it is real life. Over the years I have had many friends whose parents were divorced and not abusive hosting bar mitzvahs, birthday parties etc etc. the divorced parents show up, are civil to each other and then go their separate ways again.

Your daughter needs to find another obsession. Your time with your ex is long gone.

This is what I would say, I’d also point out that she doesn’t have the right to dictate what type of relationship you have with your ex-H or manufacture one for your other daughter. It sounds like you’re going to have to be firmer in shutting down the conversation she starts about it.

Then I think the time has come to be a bit more blunt with her - sometimes ripping the plaster off really is the best way.

The next time she starts this topic sit her down and say what you've said in that last reply - as much as you see that it's what she wants, your needs, for once, must come first. And that her continued pressure is starting to feel uncomfortable. Reiterate too that her half sister has, as is her right, made her choice about this too and that those choices and feelings are valid and must now be respected. Reinforce that by saying you know no harm was ever meant by her requests but that that will be the last conversation on the subject. And mean it.

Why not use some therapy speak? We Millennials love it.

“I am enforcing my boundaries by going no contact, it’s triggering and bad for my mental health to be around a narcissist abuser”

How old is your younger dd?

I've had a similar experience to you, abusive relationship , split and both remarried . Now older dd are adults we never see each other.

I wouldn't feel comfortable with this either. I think you need to be clear. You have no desire to be friends with your ex and your younger dd has no relationship with them and tell her to stop asking as that won't change.

Don't be cajoled into this, OP. It's easy for your DD, and possibly your Ex and his wife, to say this is silly, water under the bridge etc but they haven't been subjected to abuse.

You doing your bit at family events is more than enough. "Blended" does not trump abuse. Plus, we can be friends with who the fuck we like.