Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

Merry Christmas when it comes. I hope you get to experience the peace and joy of family and the true meaning of Christmas.

The OP's parents gave her money for a family outing with their grand-children. OP did use the money for this purpose but included her step-children in the outing. So the outing was to a less expensive place to accommodate 4 children instead of just 2 but all the children had a lovely time. How could this be reported as a crime? Would the police be interested? Surely the whole point of the money was for a lovely outing for their grandchildren that they would really enjoy and they got that.

Anyone with parental rights can take their children wherever they wish. To stop them, a court order is required.

No court would order that a parent be banned from taking their children to see their grandparents unless they were abusive to the children or a danger to them.

OP is well aware that they have her money specifically to spend on the grandchildren, not split between them and OP’s stepchildren. She knows she’s deceived them, and has admitted doing so. That was wrong, and something she did not have the right to do. What she had the right to do was refuse the money if she didn’t want to spend it according to their wishes.

If someone gives you money for something and you choose to spend it on anything other than its intended purpose, then you can absolutely find yourself in legal trouble. It likely wouldn’t amount to anything more than having to pay the money back, but still, not a road it’s wise to go down.

Again, I’m not saying that they’ll do that, that they should, or that I wouldn’t personally find it ridiculous, what I’m saying is that posters claiming that OP had the right to do what she did are wrong.

If someone gives you money for something and you choose to spend it on anything other than its intended purpose, then you can absolutely find yourself in legal trouble. It likely wouldn’t amount to anything more than having to pay the money back, but still, not a road it’s wise to go down.

Maybe the grandparents should phone 101 and report it, and see what the police say.

Whatever way you look at it, with OPs latest updates, it would seem that her parents have hit the nuclear button on the relationships (OPs and GCs) anyway. Things will never be the same again. Given what we've heard about the grandparents, that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Probably advise the grandparents to request the money back, and pursue civil action if OP refuses and they feel that strongly about it.

Again, I’m not saying them doing so wouldn’t be any less ridiculous in my eyes than it is in yours, I’m saying that OP did not have the right to do what she did. She should have refused the money, not taken it and spent it on her stepchildren as well.

I don’t think this is true regarding gifting money. It’s a gift therefore any wishes are advised, not legally enforced. Different if it’s a will though obviously.

you too.
if you have DC hopefully they'll be cast as an angel in the nativity - give you some extra experience in polishing that (hypocritical) halo 😇

You do seem to have missed that I have repeatedly said that I think the grandparents should have been kinder in the first place, but that doesn't mean OP has the right to play Robin Hood...

I find it pretty hilarious that so many people are cheering OP on, when if their DC had won a prize or been given a present from their best friend at school and their teacher unilaterally decided to redistribute it to the whole class because 'it's nicer to share,' and then lied to you about it, you'd all be knocking on the headteacher's door before anyone could type YABU....

https://www.downslaw.co.uk/blog/freeze-in-probate-fees-review-is-welcome-news-to-families/

“The law states that in order for money to be a “gift” it must be transferred voluntarily. If the gift is given on a condition, perhaps to buy a property, and that wish isn’t fulfilled, the donor can ask for it back.”

Now, OP did spend a portion of it on her younger children, so that portion was spent as intended. The portion that she spent it on her stepchildren though was spent without their knowledge and against their wishes.

Goodness OP. They really have pulled out the big guns.

Just let them get on with that. They can set up trusts and the like, it will make them feel better. Once that is set up then they’ll have nothing to threaten you with

xxxxx

I mean you couldn’t have expected any different surely. They have been giving money to their two grandchildren for Christmas and you’ve been spending it on four children.

They cannot trust if they left say 40k it would be 20k per child and not split down to 10k. So as a smart person they are going to put it into trust for their grandchildren.

You should have seen that they didn’t see the steps as family from how they did the boxes let alone the money. You knew they wouldn’t be happy otherwise it wouldn’t have come as a whole surprise to them what you did as it would of come up even innocently between you and them that you’d added bits to it. Deep down you knew they wouldn’t approve.

I also wouldn’t listen to those advising cutting them off from the grandchildren. The threads on here prove now adult children do not take kindly at all to their mothers cutting off biological family to save step or even half siblings. The hate runs deep for ruined relationships and ruins the half/step relationship too.

My very young grandson has got two older half siblings. I'm very grateful for them, they are lovely, polite and adore their little brother

I am really happy to buy them christmas/birthday gifts and value them enormously

I say well done op, I think it's lovely how you've handled this x

Yes, it's hilarious that the OP is a nice person and a good stepmum and that school-based scenario is definitely the same thing.

Exactly.

All the people jeering for the grandparents to be cut off aren't thinking of the grandchildren they're only thinking of the OP making a point with her virtue and fantastic step mum performance.

They don't really care that it will negatively affect the grandchildren or ruin the relationship between the siblings when they find out that they lost their grandparents because they wouldn't be forced into giving their siblings equal money and gifts by their mum who then decided they were better off without them.

They also don't care that OP has deceived her parents and misspent their money.

They literally just want to drive home the point that they think it's abhorrent that they haven't forged a bond with the step children and they have to die old and alone because of it. Even though it's quite normal for them to feel that way.

It's all so short sighted.

In order for that to be enforceable it needs to be documented that this is a gift. Who it is from and who it is intended for and the use of that money detailed.
anything not documented is fine and just up to the recipient to do with as they wish.

@Gottoshare I love that you’re inclusive of your step children. Your parents and some posters on here are frankly hideous. Keep being you.

"They don't really care that it will negatively affect the grandchildren or ruin the relationship between the siblings when they find out that they lost their grandparents because they wouldn't be forced into giving their siblings equal money and gifts by their mum who then decided they were better off without them."
I know! The horror that comes with expectations of equal treatment! 🙄
Still they gain because their grandparents estate comes to them directly via trust so it's not all bad.
That's one hell of an overreach @BalletCat. You have absolutely no idea what the future ramifications are. Don't forget that on MN (especially in AIBU) you only see the negative instances in threads. What you don't see are the many more numerous positive instances where children have been protected from toxic family members. We don't tend to start a thread when something good happens.

Not the same but a few years ago my sister started seeing someone who had a daughter around the same age as her 2 daughters and I only met the kid a few times but when I went round to drop my 2 nieces Christmas presents off I went out of my way to make sure her partners daughter had the same because why wouldn't I want to include a child that has found themselves in a blended family and would end up a part of my family. The OPs parents sound horrible and no they shouldn't have to include SC but surely any decent person would

100% correct!

If I decide to befriend someone and treat them like family, surely I cant expect people to do the same and be upset if they don't. People that have no choice in such a matter are in no way responsible for anyone's well being, or how they may feel.

It is extremely selfish to expect that of anyone, and then to throw a tantrum when they treat their own family with a higher regard, which is not actually mandatory, but done out of the kindness of their hearts.

"If I decide to befriend someone and treat them like family, surely I cant expect people to do the same and be upset if they don't"
Isn't that kind of how marriage works? When I married DW, she became part of my family and my parents treated her exactly the same as me. As it goes, she has no blood connection with them
Slight tangent here... what if OP couldn't have children and only had the SC. Would that be different? What if she adopted them? Or is blood relationship the only one that counts (which then contradicts the principle of marriage)
Or am I missing something?

These are not random people off the street, they are the OP's husband's (their son in law!) dc and they have been together for years.

Her parents sound like they expressed early on their dislike of her DH having children already and have failed to put that aside for the sake of their actual daughter and her much loved, blended family.

If I decide to befriend someone and treat them like family, surely I cant expect people to do the same and be upset if they don't. People that have no choice in such a matter are in no way responsible for anyone's well being, or how they may feel.

That's their son in law's children, their grandchildrens' siblings. Add to that, ther own daughter loves the children and treats them as her own.
Why would you not be kind and loving? Is making that point really worth it?

Obviously it would be different if she adopted children because then they would actually be her children.

When I married DW, she became part of my family and my parents treated her exactly the same as me

My inlaws haven't quite managed the equal treatment thing yet lol. Your parents sound lovely.

I wouldn't take it personally, it's normal for people to give more money, gifts, support etc. to their children than their spouse.

It's weird to expect someone to treat you as their child if you're not in my opinion, especially when you are an adult.