Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

They don't have any on their mum's side.

So what? When grandparents die you can't just get more grandparents! When my grandad died I didn't expect to adopt my step sisters grandad as my own as a replacement 🙄

The step children still have their paternal grandparents and their actual mother. They are not grandparent less motherless orphans. They also don't live with OP full time or have zero family outside of her making OP and her parents their only hope at a family like people are trying to make out.

Having the same father as OPs parents grandchildren does not make them related them, or make them their grandchildren.

I'm a stepchild. I have a half sister. We both knew that we had different relatives as we had different mothers. I didn't call my stepmother's siblings aunts and uncles
My half sister didn't call my late mother's siblings aunts and uncles.
It wasn't difficult to understand. I didn't get pressies from her aunts and uncles. She didn't get pressies from mine. We didn't feel deprived by that. Being truthful about the family relationships, from the beginning, meant that we understood.
If I was the grandparent here, I would give a little something to the step grandchildren, I wouldn't call myself their grandparent. I would sign cards with my name for the sake of clarity.
How does the stepmother sign her birthday cards to the stepchildren I wonder? Because clarity is what is required.

My aunt and uncle were very involved step grandparents.

They were absolutely heartbroken when the divorce happened and they never saw those children again. So I understand why some family hold back on getting attached to step children.

Though the Christmas box thing is just mean.

I think this is probably the most sensible approach but I would struggle. If my parents behaved towards my step children in this way I’d have very limited contact going forward.

I wouldn’t want my biological or step children growing up around people with this mindset or behaviour. I wouldn't care about the money it’s the attitude that seeps out that’s the issue. We are a family and I love all of them.

Some StepGM treated me and my cousins exactly the same as her own Grandchildren, and we treated her exactly the same as our Grandparents. I now realise after reading this post how lucky we all were to all have each other, there really are some horrible people on here. My stepGF treated us the same as his own while my Nan was alive but not when she died. The result my stepGM died surrounded by love and her whole family step and blood. My stepGF unfortunately died alone and lonely.

Yes. Like the example of my little DGC's sadness and bewilderdness at the disappearance of her 'cousin', a family taking step children to their hearts is not without risk.

I don't think that the children's parent/step parents often recognise that. And why would they? They expect to be in the relationship forever, or they wouldn't have entered into it. But statistically, nearly 50% of step grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins stand to lose those children that they've accepted and treated as their own. That's got to hurt. So I can understand why some maintain distance (though the GPs in this case are entirely unreasonable and unkind re the Christmas Eve box).

No-one is saying that her step-children should be able to 'adopt' their siblings' grandparents as their own.

People are only saying that they don't have grandparents on their mum's side to clarify the situation for people who are saying that they do have their own grandparents on their mum's side so they should be getting plenty of presents from them. They are correcting a misunderstanding of the step-children's grandparent situation.

If they were adopted they would be the OP's DC and the DGP's DGC. Legally, not just emotionally.

The OP is not the SC's mother - they have a DM already. If anything happened to the DH then the OP would have no right of contact or decision making regarding the SC, the DM would have full parental responsibility and might move to another country without reference to the OP. (as several PP have experienced). Pretending they are all the same is foolish and assumes nothing can change in the future.

Ensuring all children in attendance get similar pre Christmas sweets etc is just basic manners, let alone considerate. However the SC are not the DGPs grandchildren and its hardly surprising if they give gifts etc to their DGP and don't feel obliged to spend the same on the SC (who have their own primary family).

Yes, I definitely am not fully condoning the grandparents behaviour, on the boxes, anyway. Neither am I condoning the OPs. I love the OPs stance on trying to treat all the kids the same and having them feel included as much as possible, but I also understand why her parents do not share that view to some degree.

But it sounds like the OP views them as her children. So why can't the grandparents? Would it be the same if they were adopted?

if my DCs decide to take on a partner with children they can be as lovely and parenty and blended as they like. The second they expect that from me we will be talking about how it was their choice not mine.

Having said that - i wouldn't leave the step-children out of everything, but they would not be getting equal love etc from me because - why on earth would i do that? And of course it would depend on how old and how long etc. But if my DC want to be full on from day one, i would consider them completely unreasonable to expect the same of me.

As a GP myself, I understand the ‘bond’ is not there for your two sc from your parents, but it’s there for you and your dc and that in itself should be enough to treat these sgc accordingly. They sound like wonderful children and it’s mean for your parents to try and ruin the ‘spirit’ of Christmas these sc provide for your dc. Shame on them! I’d tell them the Xmas eve box is no longer required as you’ll be doing your own, and if they want to treat their dgc they can book a panto or a visit to Santa the week before Xmas, but you are right to not tolerate their miserable nasty behaviour towards your 2sc..,,

They don't have to get equal love - we're talking about a few chocolates and treats at Christmas! They don't even have to get the money. Just to know they were thought of as part of what has become a family ritual.

And this situation certainly isn't 'day one' - these kids have been in the family for years.

I mean it's quite clear there's two schools of thoughts here. I just think it's never a bad thing to be kind to decent kids who obviously bring a lot of joy to their siblings and the family.

This is a good point. As the biological dad of all four children, he would be well within his rights to determine that the kids are harmed by contact with the OP's parents, and to forbid it. I wonder what they would make of that.

I doubt they’d like that outcome, but perhaps they’d rather it over being emotionally blackmailed into doing something they’d don’t want to. Forcing someone to adhere to your wishes by threatening them isn’t going to create a good and genuine relationship, and nor is it a desirable outcome.

I wonder what he would make of it if his younger children grew up to resent him and their siblings as a result?

Unfortunately, in trying to spare the feelings of her stepchildren she may have unintentionally caused them more pain than being honest in the first place would have done. They believe they’re loved as grandchildren by her parents, and maybe they would have gone on believing that had OP never been found out, but now they will find out that the relationship they thought they had was a lie, and that OP is the one responsible for allowing them to believe that lie.

The cash is given to certain kids so if it’s partly given to the other kids that’s theft.
The parents don’t have the right to steal the kids money and give it to others.
The best way to sort that is open bank accounts that parents can’t access and neither can the kids and the grandparents can put money into and the recipient kids can use once they turn 18.
If the kids then decide to share the money they can do so.

The husband cannot unilaterally decide to forbid the children from seeing their grandparents. If my husband told me he forbade my children from seeing my parents he would be shown the door.

But it wouldn't be a unilateral decision by OP's DH would it? OP would back him up, given everything she has said on this thread. She doesn't think her parents are good or kind people.

Whether she backs him up is not the point. @BettyBardMacDonald thinks their father is well within his rights to decide that the children can't see her mother's parents. Absolutely not.

Something tells me this OP would not show her husband the door. She will choose the wellbeing of her children over two nasty old Scrooges.

As to everyone bleating on about "theft" of the money given to the "real" grandkids, come on. The children are very little. In fact, it's inappropriate, really, to give cash to such young kids. It was handed to their mother and she rightfully used it for an outing that the little kids would enjoy, and they enjoy things the most with the company of their older siblings. So it was well spent and perfectly in OP's right to decide how it was spent.

People who would take cheap sweets off a Christmas tree lest a neighbour child take one, and who dangle threats about cutting OP out of their will, are despicable. OP can do whatever she wishes to ameliorate their cruel behaviour.

Not sure why ‘theft’ and ‘real’ are in inverted commas. The older children aren’t their grandchildren, and if you’re given money and use it for something other than its clearly stated and intended purpose, that can in fact be considered a crime. OP could have refused the money, but she wasn’t free to do whatever she wished with it. Now, it’s highly unlikely that they’ll report her to the police or take civil action against her, but that’s not the point - the point is she wasn’t within her rights to do what she did.

It doesn’t sound like they’re dangling a threat, rather they’ve stated what their course of action is going to be now they’ve found out that they can’t trust OP to follow their wishes.

How would that work then @BalletCat?
Your husband could not unilaterally decide dc can't see your parents but you could unilaterally decide they they can - 🤔🤔🤔

The accusations of theft over the OP using the Christmas money for a family outing as requested but including her step-children in the outing are ridiculous.

Their father would have the right to reduce his 2 younger children's contact with their grandparents with the backing and support of his wife. He couldn't demand it without his wife's agreement, but her views of her parents' behaviour make it extremely unlikely that she would take the side of her parents.

I had this, my parents basically didn’t approve of my life choices and weren’t keen to include the step child. The relationship didn’t work out but I still think they were wrong to differentiate the step child and it actually put more pressure on the relationship when we were together. They’ve made such a fuss now, I think you have to tell them just to leave it won’t you.

I've not read the full thread but do the SC have any grandparents and if so do they share their presents/money with your children?

All four children have DH's parents as GCs too so I would expect they are treated equally on that side. The two step-children have no maternal GCs.