Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

I think you're reading far too much into their motivations (as they were before) but now they know? tbh i don't blame them for being cross

As you said: you blended your family, they didn't. for all they know the SDC are getting lovely things from their own grandparents.

They are YOUR dc grandparents and you simply cannot force them to expend any energy (let alone love or money) to your SDC.

Having said that: it was kind what you did. It has now backfired on your parents (through no fault of their own) because now you won't take the DC to them (I assume you won`t? i don't think i would)

So now your DC have lost a lovely thing their grandparents did for them.

Bit of a mess, no? And a cautionary tale for people who are blending families. You cannot force your wider family to join inn.

What a bizarre argument. The grandparents also don't get to decide how many children OP has... so if she had four she'd given birth to, and the grandparents only wanted her to have two, should they only give gifts to their two favourites because they don't want their gift bill to increase?

OP and ALL her children (birth and step) are a family. It's all kinds of weird (and cruel) to single out some parts of a family not to receive a gift. Even if it's a token one. OP is their daughter, she's happily in a new family - you've got to be very bitter to not celebrate that but instead to try and cause division and hurt to two innocent children.

@Thursdaygirl

This. They probably don’t mean to cause offence?
Their reaction makes it obvious that causing upset isn't something that bothers them

OP's children are half-siblings to her step-children. OP's DH is the father of all 4 children.

Her step-children don't have any grandparents on their mum's side but they have shared grandparents in DH's parents.

You couldn't be bothered to read the OP's posts before scolding the OP based on entirely incorrect information.

Touché OP. I would be inclined to say a big thank you for agreeing to treat all the children equally (even if this is not what they are doing) this is how I’d phrase it. I’d make a point of getting DP to say thank you too. And get all the DC
and DSC to say thank you at Christmas.
I’d say nothing about the inheritance chat. Just ignore it. It only has power over you if you let it. If they insist on discussing it, I’d say “of course, you can do what you wish with your money”. If they insist on talking about it, I’d say “I would never go against anyones wishes regarding inheritance. It’s a legal document and cannot be altered but I find the idea of losing my parents so distressing I really do not want to think about or talk about it”.

Then put it out of your mind. When their solicitor points out the pitfalls of leaving the inheritance in trust to the DGC, they may well rethink.
Christmas is a pressure cooker time in many families. YANBU.

You sound a very loving, well balanced person OP, and full credit to you for being so caring. All the children in this are total innocents, regardless of how/why they are in a blended family. Your parents on the other hand lack understanding, empathy, and sound cold and somewhat heartless. My extended family has a number of blended units, and every single step child is accepted as part of this family. They all get the same love, attention, presents etc…. And deeply love and support each other. Marrying/partnering a second time was your choice, and children have to come along for the journey in most instances, and you sound like you have made a really good job of it. I hope you can convince your parents to be decent and caring around this. It does make for a lot better life for everyone.

But that's their choice to make. Not their mother's.

Well they are showing their true colours aren't they!

Honestly OP I'm with you 100%, you aren't asking for much after all. Would they prefer your DSC didn't interact with your DS's kindly and in a family way, because that's the behaviour they're modelling!

I can imagine this has become more than you could possibly have expected but I think you have to hold on to the knowledge that you have only ever done the kind, caring thing, it's your DP that have brought problems where there didn't need to be any.

I would say it's actually no bad thing that their nasty, mean, closed attitudes will be kept much more at arms length from all of you going forwards.

Yes it is normal. I can't understand all this hand wringing about how step children must be completely equal to biological children in the eyes of extended family.

But she didn't give birth to four children. Those children are not their grandchildren.

Yes, you are right. The OP did state that she had a few conversations with her parents about it.

I still feel that she shouldn't have disrespected and lied to her parents and go behind their backs the way she did. I also think that it would have been better for her to have equally added to the money and gifts herself and then re-distributed, as she is so against all the DC not receiving the same.

I just think there were other more honest ways to deal with it without it escalating to the point it has.

They could, but then they could grow up consider OP and their half siblings to be the reason why they have little relationship with their grandparents, and resent them for it. That isn’t an unheard of outcome either.

Children don’t always adopt the viewpoints of their parents (as OP is testament to), however much the parents may push to instill them.

It’s a crapshoot.

I know! They all have the same dad for god's sake. Why can't people read! All this "they have their own grandparents" shit. Yes they do - they all share the dad's. They don't have any on their mum's side.

Tell your parents to Fuck off. I would. You sound brilliant OP and exactly the kind of step-mother all children want.

But it sounds like the OP views them as her children. So why can't the grandparents? Would it be the same if they were adopted?

I understand what you're saying but to me it just seems cruel and unnecessary. I'd never knowingly leave a child out, whether they were related to me by blood or not. Especially as it sounds like they haven't had the easiest time.

Absolutely, I have said before that my solution would have been to return the boxes to the GPs. OP has decided to treat those children as her own, they should respect that too. Perhaps she couldn't afford to add the money in addition, we don't know enough to say one way or another.
If my children had friends around on Christmas Eve, I would have given them the same boxes as my own children - it's Christmas after all. It's not like the Christmas box is the main gift is it? The lack of boxes for the GCs half-siblings is plain mean from my point of view.

Aren't the children half siblings? And all share the same father?

Wow, this has definitely escalated.

Do your parents have an issue with your DH and you marrying him? I’m asking, because this seems deep-seated, way beyond Christmas presents. Do they not trust him?

And if the children were adopted? Still not considered dgc because she hasn't given birth to them? Fcs children are children (even if just invited friends) and if they are there at christmas should have some gifts/sweets as well. We're not talking about a fortune here.

My DBIL died unexpectedly, and had three sons (two from a previous relationship who had also lived with him and wife 2 since being teenagers). Wife 2 was lovely, but after DBIL died she did a will leaving everything to their joint son and £1k each to stepsons. She died shortly afterwards (both were under 60 so the children were all early 20s). Her son undid her will and elected to share everything equally with his two half brothers, who were there to support him after his mother died. Just because someone puts something into a will doesn't mean those wishes will be carried out if the recipient thinks it isn't fair.

I also think you were spot on with what you did with the Christmas Eve box. They're mean and controlling.

Would you consider any reason to be good enough? It doesn’t matter tbh, they don’t want to, and don’t have to. Calling them mean and cruel isn’t going to change either their feelings or their minds. They’ve made it clear to OP where they stand, and OP trying to force the issue has now escalated it to this point. You can’t harangue and shame people into being what you want them to be.

They’re not talking about a will - they’re intending to leave their money in trust. Even if the children wanted to share it, the terms and conditions of the trust may prevent them from doing so.

IMO it’s very likely that they will make sure that’s the case (and they’d likely be advised to do just that by their solicitor), if they believe OP would be likely to pressure her children to share.

No - I guess in essence I just don't believe there is any reason good enough!

But you're right - they're obviously not going to change their mind so it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

And of course they don't have to - but they are risking forever tainting their relationship with their daughter and son in law (and potentially their two grandchildren once they're old enough to see the two tier system for themselves). I'm not suggesting anyone go NC etc etc, but there's no way this won't live on in memories.
I hope they'll think it was worth it. But I doubt they'll care as they'll have 'won the bigger battle' in their mind, as they put it to OP!

I don’t think that’s exactly what they said to OP, but how OP has taken it.

The relationship is already tainted, at least from the moment where they discovered she’d deceived them (and however justified you believe she was, the fact remains that she did deceive them, and they of course were never going to take kindly to that) if not from before. The relationship would still be tainted even if she managed to force them into playing along despite their feelings on the matter.

From their perspective they’re responding to the information they’ve been presented with, and are now taking steps to make sure their assets aren’t left in the hands of someone they don’t trust.

The DGPs condition of the gift is that it is used for a Christmas excursion for the children
No, it was used to either buy presents OR an outing for their grandchildren for Christmas.

but a reasonable interpretation of the use of the gift.
No. The money was very clearly for the 2 DC, not for the parents, not for the step DC. OP fully admits that she knew this, and she specifically decided to go against their wishes and split it. If she knew the grandparents would be fine with the reasoning she wouldn't have kept schtum about it for years.

Presumably if the grandparents knew it was being 'shared' for the outing they would have given less/bought presents themselves that couldn't be shared. Could this be considered mean? Yes, but it is their decision to make. They thought they were giving their DGC £50 each for Christmas, when for years their GC had only been 'getting' £25. That's immoral and illegal.

It doesn't matter that OP thinks her DC would 'want' the money spent on their half siblings - perhaps they would say that now but they are 4/6 - they don't understand the concept of money. When they were 1/3, they wouldn't have cared who was with them at these outings. When they turn 16/18, they might say 'Actually mum if I had the choice now, I'd have preferred you saved the rest of the money for me, that way I would have had an extra £450, that could buy me a laptop for uni.'

I don't know why you are defending OP 'reasonably interpreting' the premise of the gift when she isn't even pretending herself that she didn't KNOW her parents wouldn't want it spent on the step GC, because she knows what they are like.

They should either give nothing or give a gift with no strings attached. The OP has told them this and she is not BU.
I agree! But if OP felt that strongly she should have told them this the very first time they pulled this stunt, not taken the money she clearly knew was intended for one thing and spent it on another (and then mislead the grandparents).

Or she could have just spent their own money on the tickets for her step DC.

There were options available for her to do both the 'kind' and the 'honest' thing, but she chose not to.