Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

You see that puts things in a different light. They have 2 parents, one of whom might be somewhat inadequate, it's not like they have been totally abandoned by their mother,. Their mother could actually make appropriate arrangements for their Xmas presents etc so they aren't missing out. Your actual ire should be directed towards her if she isn't doing that, not your parents.
Just for info. My mother died when I was very young, my dad remarried later. My stepmother was lovely, but I inherited nothing from her. I didn't expect it as she and my dad had a child together. It was her money, not mine.

An action that’s clearly backfired on her as they now don’t trust her and are taking action to prevent her doing the same with what they were going to bequeath to her.

They didn’t want ‘credit’ - they wanted their gifts to go to the intended recipients. She could have chosen to be honest with her parents and refused the gifts, or even asked them if they would like their names put on ones she bought. Instead she deceived not just them, but her stepchildren as well, as they’re now under the impression that the relationship they have with her parents is more than what it is.

Well, as you've pointed out in a later post, it's their money and they can choose to leave it to whomever they like.

Perhaps, when you are told what changes they've made to their will/beneficiaries, you can adjust your own will to ensure the step-kids get equal money/benefit (where possible).

How condescending that they have taken your point on board for a xmas box for 4...(should never have come to this as they should have realised without having to be told!!!)

I would have taken it the same way you did OP 'have your little victory and all that but we get the final say'. Nasty and vindictive. Let them crack on with it. I doubt there'll be much £££ left after they've had to shell out for care/nursing home fees anyway...

Your mum sounds like a real star, kind and compassionate. You are right, it doesn't matter how small the gift, it is knowing that they are still cared about that counts.

I think my response would have been to ask why on earth they were twittering on about inheritance.

I agree with this. The schmaltzy posts are nauseating and completely unrealistic. The only way this will go if you follow that 'advice' is that a rift will likely develop and become firmly embedded with no hope of walking it back.

If I were in your situation, I would go and see my parents, explain to them what I did and why I did it - but also apologise for redistributing gifts that they gave in good faith. I would let them know that whilst they might not see my step children as family, I can't see them in any other way, they are family children and can't be sidelined.

I'd ask them what they are prepared to do in terms of Christmas boxes? I would make it clear that if they won't include the step children for a Christmas box then it would be better not to have them at all - I would do them myself for ALL the children. If that is the case then if they want to give money to the grandchildren then that's fine, it would be quietly put into their accounts.

I agree about not letting the grandchildren go to the grandparents on Christmas Eve, too painful and very pointed. There's no need for that behaviour from your parents.

I would actually ask them what they would do in your position? How they would feel and how they would manage what is unequal treatment of family members? It might give them pause to think and reconsider or it might not, but at least you would know what will happen and can plan accordingly.

I hope you can resolve this amicably with your parents, OP.

You sound lovely and I think you will have a lovely relationship with your DSC as they grow up and have their own families. Your parents sound like arseholes, and to blow this so out of proportion is staggering. I am glad you’re not taking them to theirs so they can do all the Xmas things without the DSC.
The fact that they plan to disinherit you is also just petty.
If they were upset about what you were doing they could have spoken to you and say they were still going to just do what they were doing and if you ‘topped it up’ then that’s on you.
Please don’t pander to their blackmail.

Given that these grandparents are the same people that remove chocolates from Christmas trees when OP had friends around as a child to ensure they didn't get any, it sums up the type of people they are. There is every possibility that this inheritance stuff is a bluff by them to try and assert control of OP to "bring her back into line". Whatever OP, perhaps they can spend some of their blood GCs future inheritance on care/help fees in the future instead of expecting you to do it for them. It does give me hope however that OP clearly didn't turn out like her parents. How an argument over a bloody Christmas box has turned into threats of disinheritance is mind-boggling! Her parents sound like weapons-grade arseholes, I don't think it would be possible to resolve anything amicably with them without bowing to their will.

This.
Your loveliness actually brought a lump to my throat OP 🥹
All four children are so lucky to have you.
Keep doing what your are doing. 👏

Yes. Just go low contact with them and be done with it. They are acting like this to be cruel. Low contact means it doesn’t have to affect you so much emotionally, OP. My mom did similar types of stuff to me, and I just kind of went gray rock on her. She stopped when she wasn’t getting me upset any more.

That was entirely predictable, sorry. Your parents are absolutely focused on bloodlines and they do not want their money going outside the 'family'. Skipping a generation is quite usual. They want to focus on their grandchildren and it doesn't sound as if a further battle would achieve anything useful.

Ultimately, their grand-children 'win'. What you can do is make provision for all four of your family-children and make it equal, absolutely equal, so that all of the children see the way to behave in a family.

All of the children have you. That's worth a lot.

All these kids will grow up confused if you don't stop the delusions. Your parents are your children's grandparents only. Your step children have their own grandparents. Your children are not siblings with your husband's children - they are step siblings, no blood relation and if you and your husband divorce there is no connection there. Stop lying - they can still be close and have a great relationship if you are honest and clear.

Yes, I agree. This lying to her parents and SC seems to be overlooked, but yet this has caused the real issue and led to an escalation due to trust issues.

I think we need to accept people's decisions, although we may not like their decisions. The parents have to accept their daughters decision to marry someone with children elsewhere, and the daughter has to accept her parents decision to give their GC what they desire, without it being interferred with.

It is plain disrespectful and selfish to act on her parents behalf without their knowledge, and then when the SHTF, criticise the parents for it.

As we are now aware, there was a discussion from the OP to her parents, who have taken on board what the OP has said, and have stated that they will honour it by doing 4 boxes. Perhaps this discussion should have happened before the OP took it upon herself to disrespect and lie to her parents and SC.

Although she felt she had good reasons, I don't think she should have acted so deceitfully and selfishly. She should have had discussion with her parents first. It seems all of this could have been avoided if she did.

We need to consider that our decisions in life can affect people and put them in awkward positions. Therefore, it is upto us to respectfully find a way to "honestly" work together for the best of everyone it may involve and concern.

Small things like family meals, ice cream on days out, sweets for Xmas boxes - agree should be shared.

But they are correct about inheritance if anything happens to you. Your DH could remarry and choose to leave everything to his new spouse or the nearest cats home or lose it all in care fees. From their point of view they have two grandchildren not four. (I'm assuming you haven't adopted SC and have no plans to so do).

What have you put in place in your will to protect your DC in the event of you dying first? Because "it would never go wrong" is a really foolish position to take and its best to have everything agreed clearly up front.

"Perhaps this discussion should have happened before the OP took it upon herself to disrespect and lie to her parents and SC."
OP clearly said in her first post that she had tried discussing this with them ("There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently"). Her only other choice would have been to reject the Christmas boxes outright.

That would arguably have been the better option, given how the situation has since escalated.

She discussed it with them, they just didn’t agree to give her what she wanted. Instead of accepting that and yes, rejecting the boxes outright, she chose to lie and show them that they couldn’t trust her. She also fooled her stepchildren into believing that they have a relationship with her parents that doesn’t in fact exist. It may have been well intentioned, but ultimately it isn’t a kindness.

I don't disagree. Rejecting the gift box would have been exactly what I would have done.

I think that the grandparents are the foolish and spiteful ones here. The OP is trying to do her best to be kind and inclusive to all the children.

The children may end up judging their grandparents very harshly if they grow up and become aware of their spiteful behaviour towards their half siblings who they currently adore.

Don't you think that their actual mother might not be too happy with a situation where surrogate grandparents are pushed into the equation?

Choices at the time were to

1. refuse the gifts of xmas Eve boxes
2. give the Christmas Eve boxes while two children watched on with nothing,
3. spread what was there between them
4. add more so the stepchildren could join in the fun.

It’s an obvious choice to me.

They clearly don’t like the step-children at all.

They don’t have to be grandparents to them, just be kind to children like most people can manage!

They are cutting OP, who is their biological daughter, out of their will to prevent the possibility of any of their inheritance falling into the hands of the step-children. The OP isn't expecting them to include her step-children in their will. They are doing this as a big 'fuck you' to OP and her blended family

They sound so nasty and ugly.
I'd be stepping so far away from them.

I don't really understand all this tbh...

I have two step-brothers and growing up their maternal grandmother gave them a gift with some money at Christmas. She was always pleasant to me and gave me a nice small gift (no money) and I never thought anything of it.

The next day I would go home to my Mum's and have tons of presents from her parents which obviously my step-brothers didn't have?

I now have a DSD and my own DD, and my parents are very accepting of my DSD, but that doesn't mean they spend the same monetary value on her as my DD. When DSD goes home to her Mum's she gets spoilt by her?

Surely this is just normal?

They're not doing a 'big F-U' to the OP, They're 'safeguarding' their grandchildrens' future financial wellbeing. That is completely understandable.

They are though being unnecessarily cruel to OP's step-children with the Christmas boxes, I totally agree about that. I would give those to a visiting child of no relation (if I knew they were coming). It's very harsh to ignore a child and most would not.

The really sad thing about this situation is that it's come about because the SC was so polite, happy and appreciative, and wanted the GPs to know how much the Christmas Eve box meant to her.

I hope she never finds out what's happening because of that moment of gratitude.