Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

I agree with this.

From my perspective you're doing the right thing. SC care and love their half siblings and clearly you love them as your own kids therefore you're protecting them from feeling left out. You have a united family and you should be very proud of it. Please ask your parents to stop putting money in the box so you can stop pretending they care for all kids by splitting it. Do it yourself for all of them if you wish and say it's coming from you and your husband. That way you can stop lying about it and your parents won't have a reason to be angry. As dropping of the kids "it's their right", well maybe not under these circumstances, as this is their way to carry on doing the same behind your back and hiding it from your SC! What a horrible thing to do! You probably have to put your foot down this year and make them understand that this is your family and they should respect your wishes or this tradition will end here.

I don’t have a problem with either, if that’s what you mean. My view though is that it’s up to individuals to decide what’s important to them - for some blood ties will be important, and for others they won’t be. My own personal feelings don’t prohibit me from recognizing:

Because it demonstrably is and has been, for millennia. Whether you personally understand or not doesn’t and won’t change the fact that human beings overwhelmingly place great importance on blood relationships.

Whether I personally agree or approve or not is irrelevant.

You seem like such a wonderful step mum and your SC are very lucky to have you!

The bottom line is the step children are a significant part of their daughter's and grand children's life and they should recognise it and accept it.
And exclusion of children that are part of their daughter's and grand children's life at Christmas is mean.
And using threats around inheritance is manipulation. It's one of the worst forms of manipulation too. It's a power thing and shows a deeply flawed character that wants to control family, especially their children. But the OP is revealing that they are like that all her life in her post.
You can leave money to who you want but the only reason to tell anyone what you intend to do is to manipulate, punish or reward certain behaviour. All nasty traits exerting a power dynamic.

That isn’t ’manipulative and cruel’ - it’s sensible. They want their assets to go their grandchildren and they know they have to be ones that ensure that they do.

And who cares if they trash their relationship with their daughter in the process. The main thing is what happens to money when they're dead and not here any more.
Priorities.

And yet, on other threads , we are constantly reminded that no one should assume an inheritance. People are called grabby for assuming anything will come their way.
I have inherited zilch BTW.

Their choice 🤷🏻‍♀️ same as it was OP’s choice to damage her relationship with them when she showed them they can’t trust her.

I do predominantly agree with this. She is clearly a very lovely lady. I love how she loves her SC like her very own. It is highly commendable.

I do think that children do pay attention to the giver of presents, though, and because the OP has already started labelling the gifts as being from the GPs, the 2 older ones might suddenly wonder why they are no longer receiving a box from them. This may lead to feeling rejected. However, the GPs have stated that they will do 4 boxes from now on, but whether they are of equal standard, I'm not sure. I just think there are trust issues on both sides now.

I think your comment and idea was a very good and fair one on the whole.

Why does anyone tell anyone what they intend to do with their assets on death. Can anyone tell me a reason other than to manipulate or punish the behaviour of a living relative or bribe people to be good to you, or something else that changes people's behaviour to how you want.
There can be no other reason. If you want to explain your reasons make a note in your will.

OP just tell them you’ll remember that when you’re sorting go out their care arrangements in their final years.

Their choice 🤷🏻‍♀️ same as it was OP’s choice to damage her relationship with them when she showed them they can’t trust her.

At least she did what she did out of kindness. And they should never have put her in the position in the first place, that's on them.

So it's not a shock on top of the shock that your parent has just died?

They didn't put her in any position. They gave gifts to their grandchildren which is normal behaviour, any position has been imagined and created by the OP.

She has put them in a position where they feel like they can't trust their daughter and they have to do what she says and give gifts and money to children they don't see as their grandchildren or be cut off from their own grandchildren with all the threats of going non contact in this thread.

Well at the end of the day there's not much you can say or do. They can leave it all to cat charities if they want.

All you can do is continue to be an amazing parent to these 4 kids. Your relationship sounds so positive and the kids all seem to enjoy being with each other. You're building a loving family and that is the most important legacy you can ever leave.

OP is responsible for her own actions on that one. They didn’t force her to do what she did, and indeed she had other options that wouldn’t have involved lying to both them and her stepchildren. However well intentioned, she broke their trust and did something she knew full well they would take issue with. Well, here’s the result.

God this is rumbling on & people are still thinking the GPs behaviour is OK. This thread makes me feel so bleak to think there are so many people who are this petty. And that in many cases they may have sdc in their lives. It's awful.

Well, here’s the result.

Yes, freedom from any caring obligations as they age.

Are they "punishing" OP with the will thing or are they just thinking of the future and want to make sure it's left to who they want it left to? Which is an entirely reasonable thing to want and is their choice to do.

But why bring it up now?

Of course they are using it to lash back at OP. Utter arseholes.

I’m sure they’re quite capable of planning accordingly, if they haven’t already.

My dad told me he was leaving me nothing. He then went on to say that he would buy me things while he was alive. So he saw me enjoy them.
However, I can also understand people saying what they are leaving and to whom, if the amount is large as that way those who aren't included don't make decisions based on thinking they will inherit large amounts.

Granted their behavior over the Christmas boxes they were never going to leave the step children anything anyway. They just seized the opportunity to rub it in

She is alive yes, it’s pretty much a 50/50 arrangement but there are some difficult circumstances (a lot better now than previously but still challenging at times and identifying if I were to say more) . We all get on well but it’s just a very complicated and fragile situation. This is why I’ve been so hyper aware all the time to do my very best not to add to any trauma and protect SC from any rejection.

I think it's absolutely okay for them to have a trust for their own grandchildren @Gottoshare . I'm afraid I'd do the same, even though I'm appalled at your parents' attitude re the Christmas Eve box.

There is too much that can change as time goes by. At the moment my own grandchild is completely confused that the 'cousin' she's always known has disappeared from her life. After 10 years together, her uncle and his partner have split and his step daughter is no longer in his, or his family's life.

If you die, your DH might remarry and leave everything (including your inheritance) to his third wife. There are OPs about this kind of issue regularly on Mumsnet.

I don't think they should bypass you entirely though. Maybe 50:50 between you and the trust for your children.

Are you for real ? OP chose to make sure dsc felt as loved as her dc. She didn't even take credit for it, she left that to the gp. You're damn right the OP can not be trusted to NOT make sure ALL children are feeling loved and cared for. She deservs a medal 🎖