Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

Oh my gosh I see it escalated. I would not know what to say either. Firstly, you do not want any boxes from them at all, they can shove their small victory up their arses and no doubt you will open them and the boxes will be different quality levels.

Secondly, I think you need to re-set the boundaries then to protect your own family, and the sibling relationship DC and DSC have. That's also a clear slight towards your husband too.

Clearly they are materialistic people and think threatening you with money will work as that is what they value. Fine they can do their trust but let them know your own family comes first and you will be putting that first from now on.

Bloody hell @Gottoshare . How have you turned out such a lovely well rounded person with such crass and insensitive parents?
They could've kept that thing about the will alteration to themselves but they've told you, I'm sure, as a means of "punishing" you.

I don't know what to say, I'd be tempted to go no contact.

Honestly there is nothing wrong with them wanting to ensure the inheritance they leave doesn't go to your step children. You've shown already that they can't trust you to give money to just their GC and from the way you speak about your step children here (nothing wrong with it), I imagine you probably would split their estate 4 ways if you could. They are entitled to want to prevent that if they wish. You cannot force them to feel the same about your SC.

You leave whatever you want to whoever you want in your will, they can do the same.

This situation was about the Xmas eve boxes, they've agreed to what you wanted. You cannot force them to feel what you want them to feel for SC though. They obviously don't.

She can't dictate what her parents do. Similarly, they can't dictate what OP does in her own home and with her own children. She can cut them off completely if she thinks that they are toxic influence on her children and damaging to her stepchildren.

This is a bold and divisive move which may very well backfire on the grandparents.

I'm so sorry everyone is attacking you OP. I would have done exactly the same as you and found it incredibly awkward! I'd tell them not to give presents this year and do your own. Tell them you're not dropping them around and be honest and say that their approach to this is not at all in the spirit of giving which Christmas is all about. So if they are choosing to exclude don't bother!

She can of course choose to do that. In my opinion, she would be hurting her own child to "save" the feelings of children who already have their own grandparents if she did but that's her choice.

As its theirs to not want their life's savings going to children they clearly do not see as their family.

Xmas eve boxes is one thing. You can expect someone to do that just out of pure politeness. Expecting someone to be okay with their estate potentially being split with children they clearly don't care much for is another.

and it may well backfire further on OP if she does that. There have been threads on here where parents have cut off grandparents for this reason, and the end result is that the biological grandchildren ended up deeply resenting their parents and half siblings because of it.

Just because you have accepted and take on these two children who are not biologically yours doesn’t mean everyone else has to.

They are not biologically related to your parents and if they don’t want to have a relationship with them that’s completely fine.

just because you choose to feel a certain way for someone doesn’t mean everyone else has to.

It would be foolish and spiteful to deprive her children of their grandparents over her own beliefs on how they should feel about the step children.

The children may end up resenting her and their half siblings if they find out they lost their grandparents because of them as they get older.

So many gross people on this thread sticking up for the GP's.

How horrid must you be to walk into a family home at Christmas with gifts for only 2 of the 4 siblings. They don't have to love them, they just have to be a tiny bit fucking decent.

It’s not uncommon for grandparents to bypass their children to leave directly to their biological grandchildren. They want their assets to remain in the family, which is quite reasonable.

Why though? Why is genetically related such a big deal?

I don't have children, and will likely outlive my brother as I'm much younger. His wife had two little children when they got together and they subsequently had a third. I plan to leave an equal share of my estate to each of them.
My mother on the other hand was a bit like the grandparents here, and it never sat right with me. FFS it's not like most of us are that special genetically, or are leaving a grand estate.

I don't get it at all. People really do think very fucking highly of themselves and their "bloodline" and it's all so meaningless compared to actual love and human relationships, which these grandparents have just pissed all over.

It would be foolish and spiteful to deprive her children of their grandparents over her own beliefs on how they should feel about the step children.

Why? They're heartless, manipulative cunts.

Because it demonstrably is and has been, for millennia. Whether you personally understand or not doesn’t and won’t change the fact that human beings overwhelmingly place great importance on blood relationships.

Why though? Why is genetically related such a big deal?

It's not even always about blood either. Sometimes there just isn't that relationship there. It's not vile, mean, or manipulative to not want to leave your estate to people you don't really have a relationship with.

An example I gave before, my parents barely know my step children. Why on earth would they want to leave them something in their will?

Because it demonstrably is and has been, for millennia. Whether you personally understand or not doesn’t and won’t change the fact that human beings overwhelmingly place great importance on blood relationships.

What's your view on adoption? IVF where one parent or both parents isn't genetically related?

And let's not pretend it's odd or weird to leave your will to people you're related to as if its not what the vast majority of people with wills do.

It doesn't suddenly become manipulative and cruel because step children are involved. It's the norm.

It doesn't suddenly become manipulative and cruel because step children are involved. It's the norm.

It becomes manipulative and cruel if you use it as a way to control or punish your children.

We are talking about grandparents who clearly do not have a relationship with these children though, not adoptive parents.

They are completely different scenarios clearly.

I was reading this thread with fury building at the rate of knots. This has pretty much said what I felt.

I think your parents OP are pretty bloody awful not to behave decently and kindly, and that doesn't have to mean £ generously, toward your SC.

Are they "punishing" OP with the will thing or are they just thinking of the future and want to make sure it's left to who they want it left to? Which is an entirely reasonable thing to want and is their choice to do.

We are talking about grandparents who clearly do not have a relationship with these children though, not adoptive parents.

Yes, they've made damn sure of that, haven't they, despite their daughter's best efforts.

Christmas boxes are different to inheritance. If the step siblings are part of a blended family then it's kind and reasonable to include them and sets a good example to the grandchildren. Inheritance is reasonable to keep to biological family and nobody really expects step family be included.
Or do what my mum does and include litterally everyone fron very limited resources. That's all the fostered children over 20 years of fostering, all their children, all their step children, adopted children like me, my adopted siblings, step children and their children. The list is never ending and we end up with tiny gifts. But we all get something and if you were fostered 20 years ago and you get a little gift to show soneone has thought about you, it's actually a really big thing.
And that's what it's about. Feeling someone cares. If you are excluded as a step child you can only think the step GP don't care, which they obviously don't. If they are content to not care about children that are part of their daughter's life then that's sad and a reflection on them.

Their daughter demonstrated to them that they can’t trust her to respect their wishes, and so they’ve responded accordingly.

That isn’t ’manipulative and cruel’ - it’s sensible. They want their assets to go their grandchildren and they know they have to be ones that ensure that they do.

If the GP's had planned all along to leave everything to their GC then cool, fine.

However, it sounds like that wasn't the plan and I assume they were going to leave some to OP and rest to GC. But now, if they are going to bypass their daughter completely because they are worried she might give even a penny (of what would have been her money to do with as she wished) to her step-children, people that she loves, then they are (still) nasty twats.

How do these grandparents know that their GC will be around for them? Maybe they will grow up (like a lot of teens do) to be selfish and not care much for their grandparents. Maybe they will go off travelling, move away, get too busy to care.

Maybe the step grandchildren would have been the ones that stuck around and looked after them, helped them, loved them. Sometimes, blood doesn't mean shit after all.

But whether we agree or disagree with that, why would it then be surprising that they don't want their estate left to these children?

It's hardly a shocker is it.

Petty day to day things like Xmas eve boxes yes it's a bit of a dick move not to just include them. Expecting them to be totally fine with their inheritance being split with these children is another ball game though and I don't blame that all for not wanting to do that.

Sure, but similarly it is the OP's family and it's her turn to raise children and instil the values she wants. The GPs are undermining that.

If her parents care so little for what is important to their own daughter, then that in itself is very hurtful. OP does not have to put herself and her family in this situation, I bet it is constantly on her mind and casting a shadow over Christmas.

I do see that the loss of trust over the money aspect and inheritance, its their money and can leave it as they wish.