Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

Your parents are hideous arseholes! I'd be telling them to fuck right off

No wonder so many people are absolutely shit-miserable in blended families. Some of the posts on this thread are an absolute eye-opener.

Well, yes, I would, because if I WANTED to give £50 to "feed the hungry children of Nigeria" I would have split the money in half myself!

If I donated to "feed the children" I wouldn't care what country it went to.
If I donated to "feed the hungry children of Ethiopia" then yes, I would expect my money to go to Ethiopia!

Perhaps I have family ties to "Ethiopia"* *or "Ethiopia" has suffered a recent disaster or "Nigeria" is under a genocidal dictatorship that I don't want to support even implicitly. Stealing is still stealing, even if you think it's for a "good reason!"

*obviously just random examples and tbh think it's actually pretty distasteful of you to bring starving children into the analogy when the money in this case is only going towards winter light show/christmas pyjamas (i.e. a completely different scale) to try and prove a point.

There are some very unpleasant people on this thread siding with the grandparents! I'm part of a blended family, I have 3 siblings who are my dad's and not my mum's. They were welcomed into our home when I was 6 months old as their DM had passed away (they'd always been welcome but their DM and her family hated our Dad and made it difficult), they were teenagers so were treated differently but only in respect of the age difference. My Mum had been a DSD who was treated terribly by her DSM so made a point of always being as fair as possible. My maternal Grandad always treated them as part of the family, they were always included and welcomed. Between the 4 of us, we have 9 children (2 of whom are step children themselves) and they have always been treated as near to the same as possible (geography and age differences being the only change factor). It is a testament to how they were treated by my DM and her DDad as to how close we are and in fact, when our DDad died, I absolutely could not have done the following days, weeks, months and years without my siblings. They help massively with my DMum, with whom I have a difficult relationship (the teenage years when I was home without siblings were difficult).
I think it should be noted that my DBs don't get on and that had everything to do with their maternal GPs treating them differently so it has an impact blood or otherwise. I think the approach of they're not blood so they're lesser is awful and frankly anyone who has that approach is missing out on potentially very fulfilling relationships. In the case of OP, the SGPs are awful, especially given the difficult background for the DSCs and the fact they have only their paternal DGPs. OP you are a wonderful mum and stepmum 💐

I think you are a truly wonderful person. Your parents should be supporting your choice to be involved in you sc lives and to include them as part of a blended family. My step grandparents did not and I was hurt by it as a child and as an adult it still annoys me. My step father is 100% my children’s grandparent and they don’t see him as anything else and neither do i. I am closer to my step brother than anyone else. Blended families can be wonderful things and I count my lucky stars that I have such an amazing family blood or not. It’s the blood relatives that are the actual disappointment. I am more like my step brother than anyone and we aren’t biologically related. His wife is the same with her blended family and altogether we have become this huge family of bits and pieces and we are all so close. Probably because we all respect the hell out of each other. Your parents are being very small minded that family is just blood and your sc are incredibly lucky to have you in their lives and when they are adults like I am they will be very thankful. I cannot thank my step dad enough and even had him walk me down the aisle.

It's really shocking isn't it
They are children
Actually blood siblings of their grandchildren
I am so horrified by the cruelty on this thread

God there are some REALLY depressing people & opinions on this thread. It's so disheartening & makes me really hope that none of these blunderbusses with the emotional intelligence of a gnat have any step children or step grandchildren in their clutches.

OP I agree with you 100%. At this stage I would decline my parents Xmas eve box & just do one for all 4 children yourselves

I don't think you've done anything wrong by using the £100 to buy a family ticket somewhere either. But if that's also causing issues with your mean spirited parents then I'd politely decline that too.

It's SO hard to support children in blended relationships & you & your dh & dc all seem to be doing a wonderful job of creating a new inclusive family.

Don't let miserable people ruin that!

I'm really shocked by so many of the responses here but I guess it goes a long way to illustrate how badly wrong so many blended families go & it's 100% the kids who pay that price.

OP you sound do lovely & I imagine your sdc love you & are happy to have you in their corner. I'd protect them from your parents though & wouldn't visit or have them visit when the dc are with you. They don't need that negativity.

All that anger over a bloody Xmas eve box! Pathetic.

I don’t understand how anyone can leave children out. They are part of the same family whether they belong to the grandparent or not. You have to be cruel to exclude them in this way, it’s horrific.
what if they were adopted children, would people still be saying then that they didn’t choose to adopt so shouldn’t have to love them/be kind to them??

"I don't see what all the children having the same father has to do with it when the grandparents are the mothers parents."
OPs biological children will see their grandparents (OPs parents) treating their half-siblings differently, maybe not at this immediate time since they're young but in the future they will. There's a good chance that they will think poorly of their grandparents because of this too.
OP has made a decision to treat her step-children equally to her own. I think that is a wonderful thing. It's a shame she does not have the support of her parents in that decision. They have chosen not to respect that decision on several occasions.
I do agree though that OP should have been upfront regarding the redistribution of the gifted money even if it meant giving it back. The GPs could always opt to put it into savings for their "blood thicker than water" GCs, yet if they truly understood the phrase, it means the complete opposite of what they think it does. Ultimately though, as the parent of those children she does have the right to determine what gifts they receive as do all other parents of children.

People are missing the point.

This didn’t need to be a problem. OP should have just done Xmas Eve boxes for the stepchildren from her and her partner. Easy.

Instead she’s been dishonest and, if I’m being frank, a bit of a martyr by making a big show of ‘including’ the SC.

It really wasn’t hard to keep everyone feeling happy here.

Yep.

I don't think you've done anything wrong by using the £100 to buy a family ticket somewhere either. But if that's also causing issues with your mean spirited parents then I'd politely decline that too.

Honestly if I were OP I'd be writing my parents a cheque for the money already received, if that's how they want to be about it.
I just can't get my head around hearing those kids talk fondly of their Christmas trips and feeling anything other than happy and gratified.

@Gottoshare I’m horrified by some of the responses on here. You’re absolutely doing the right thing and it is so lovely to read about how you’ve dealt with all this. Your parents need therapy.

To the posters who are saying you are taking something of value from your own children, that your parents intended for them and not your stepchildren… thank god you’re doing that!

The thing of ‘value’ you are taking from your children is something your parents think is valuable (a special sense of belonging and respect, a feeling that they are better and should derive a smug kind of pleasure from opening a special box of gifts in front of their step siblings, knowing that they’ve been left out). That’s certainly not a universal definition of valuable.

Given the fact that they could easily arrange something in a less ‘in your face fuck you’ manner… this nasty message are they trying to send out to both your kids and their step siblings on Christmas Eve is unforgivable. I wonder why they think it’s ok to try and create unnecessary divides? This gift is all about them and their disapproval, they have given no thought whatsoever to the emotional well-being of your kids.

It’s sad that they can’t comprehend that their own grandchildren would be horrified at their nastiness if they realised what they’ve been trying to do this whole time- excluding their step siblings whom they adore and would actually miss if they were excluded.

Unbelievable that someone commented that it would be better to spend more money on a ticket to a ‘better’ show/ experience (excluding your step kids) than to share it so that your kids can experience the joy and togetherness of going with their step siblings. How can people get it so wrong?

It’s so sad that they think money is inherently more valuable than the joy your kids experience together. Just focusing on the negative and not recognising their own grandchildren’s joy or emotional bonds as real or valuable.

Do your parents always enjoy things more if they know other people have been excluded? It’s as if they feel their gift to your kids has been ruined because it no longer has the venom of excluding others. Shame on them for using your kids in that way. And good on your for taking a stand.

How do they not feel utterly ashamed of themselves?

It’s appalling behaviour from adults, to knowingly create a special tradition that requires other children to be excluded and made to feel unloved. Of course you want to protect both your biological children and your step children from complete arseholes.

Your parents could have chosen to do a million other things to treat their blood related grandchildren- they could have asked to take them out for a treat on a day when your stepchildren aren’t around, they could have used their intellect and money to figure something out… but no- they decided to make sure their gift hurt your step kids.

And now they’re upset because they realise they haven’t achieved their aim… your step kids are blissfully unaware. Well done you.

If their behaviour and intentions were in any way decent, they would have engaged in adult conversation with you about this when you tried to talk to them at the very beginning. This is entirely on them. I hope you have a beautiful Christmas without their toxic and unnecessary ‘gifts’.

Far better to receive nothing from them than what they are currently trying to inflict.

I think the ages they all are impacts things a bit - but I support your sentiment - I believe if someone chooses to see non biological kids as their own then their family and friends are duty bound to treat them as such. I would tend to go for everyone or no one for the kids but see why you developed things the way you did.

It’s sad that they can’t comprehend that their own grandchildren would be horrified at their nastiness if they realised what they’ve been trying to do this whole time- excluding their step siblings whom they adore and would actually miss if they were excluded.

Spot on with everything you've said. But it's even worse than that, those are their actual older siblings!

Some people.arw suck dickheads. I'm sorry but in this instance all the children should be treated the same - they are children FFS, and part of your family. I'd never treaty stepdaughter differently to my own children over something like this. Parents would be told in no uncertain terms that they can stick their box where the sun doesn't shine and start your own tradition of doing it instead.

But that's being very hard on the stepchildren. It is not their fault they have step parents. Kids gave feelings you know.

I'm grateful that my grandparents didn't treat my any difference than my half sisters. I was treated the same by all family on that side. I'm 68 now and still grateful.

I believe you have behaved in a truly caring and nurturing way. Christmas is about sharing and love. Your parents lack of empathy and understanding is astonishing. Being thanked for the presents they didn't give should have provoked shame in their hearts not fury. You've done the right thing, continue to do so. Thank goodness the mean gene hasn't slipped through the generations!

This is a completely false premise. It has nothing to do with charity donations. I explained in my post that the two grey areas from an ethical perspective are the use of the money and the DSC understanding that the Christmas box is solely from DGP. I gave two arguments as to why the OPs decision is not simply the right thing to do but a reasonable interpretation of the use of the gift. The DGPs condition of the gift is that it is used for a Christmas excursion for the children (and by extension the parents as the children are too young to go along) The parents have interpreted this as a family outing and have included the other DSC. They can argue this is a reasonable use of the money because the DC have a better experience when DSC are there. They will get greater enjoyment of the gift which is the purpose of the gift. If OP chose to take DC and a little friend to give a more fun experience would anyone be complaining? I doubt it. The DGP are trying to get the OP to discriminate against her DSC and treat them differently which she refuses to do. She has repeatedly told DGP for five years that she will not “other” the DSC. She has been Frank with them about how she parents her children and how she views her family. She is entirely within her rights to do this. The DGP are entirely within their rights to stop the gifts but they don’t want to. They want to continue gifting on their terms, thus undermining the OP who has parental responsibility and is the decision maker here. They should either give nothing or give a gift with no strings attached. The OP has told them this and she is not BU.

Thank you for sharing your experience, and also for your calm reply, it's been getting a little heated here and there. I certainly don't agree with people saying cut off the bio GPs and / or throw away their gifts, but I also think there's a halfway point where the bio GPs could show a little bit of Christmas spirit towards the non bio half siblings of their DGC without compromising their stance on blood family first and only.

Christmas can bring out the best as well as the worst in people! I don't know how OP is going to resolve this, but I wish her and you and your families nothing but pleasant festive seasons.

You sound lovely OP, you remind me of my own lovely stepmum who is my very best friend.
My step-grandparents have known me since I was a toddler, and they have always treated me as part of the family. My children call them nan and grandad, we are invited to all family events. My stepnan texts me to see how I am, just because. It has made life as a stepchild easy I suppose and it really does make a difference to a child, reading some of the comments on this thread I realise I am lucky and am from a decent kind family

As long as your stepkids have you they will be fine you clearly give them all the love they need x

No, it doesn’t. The ‘thicker than the water of womb’ part was added in the last forty years, and there’s no evidence to back up the claim that it was part of the original.

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OP, you would have been wise to be honest with them. They aren’t interested in being grandparents to your stepchildren and that isn’t something you can force. IMO it was wrong to divide the boxes and give them to anyone but the intended recipients.

By pretending that your parents were the ones giving gifts you are also risking hurting your stepchildren, who will believe their relationship with your parents is more than what it is. You’re doing no one any favors by denying reality.

I have a step nephew (If that's a thing) and we all buy him Christmas presents. It would be incredibly harsh if we didn't. Can't believe some of these responses siding with the grandparents.

The only thing I'd worry about is the step children finding out one day that the boxes were never meant for them and being crushed.

Ah, I didn't consider that, I stand corrected about you being a GP.