Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

I would do the same as you OP. Aside from the fact that it’s the right thing by your step children, it’s the right thing by your children too who presumably wouldn’t want their step-siblings to be left out.
And it could be said that you ARE spending all the money on your DC because they invite their step-siblings on their outing. And they enjoy their company. Would your parents object to them inviting friends on their Christmas outing, for example? If not they haven’t a leg to stand on.

This thread makes me so very grateful for my in-laws. I had children with my ex husband and another with my current. We’ve only been in their lives for six years and even before I gave birth to their blood grandchild they were treating my children the way grandparents would. Since we’ve had a baby they’ve always given equally to each child, when they call they always take time to speak to my older children and keep up to date with their lives too and when the baby was born they made it clear they were ok with my older children calling them grandma and grandad. My kids don’t have paternal grandparents in their lives (their choice to cut us out) so I couldn’t even begin to express what it means to me.

I get your parents have no duty to your step children and they shouldn’t feel obliged to buy them gifts, that much is fine. But the cruelty they showed at being thanked for something YOU had been providing on their behalf is horrible. That says they wanted your SC to know how they felt about them.

FWIW you sound like an incredible mum and step mum, those kids are lucky to have you in their corner.

I'm a stepmum,I have step dad and my dad was a step dad so I've seen lots of different situations to navigate around blended families.

My own SD new partner had a child and I couldn't have imagined not sending the sane gift as the other GC's. I have to budget so I pulled back on the others.

It's true that you can't make your parents accept your SC but I just can't get my head around actively excluding them . The money could gave very, very easily have been given to all of them but they actively gone out of their way to not do that and are happy to being deliberately unkind to children. Unfortunately it looks like it's a hill their prepared to die on. I honestly don't agree with their point if view but for them to be furious intead of either disappointed in you (which do not agree with) or embarrassed at their actions (which I cant imagine they will ever be) Shows in very certain terms how they view you husbands child and your own child's siblings.

Over my cold dead body would my children be going over on Christmas Eve and I applaud your stance on this. There is no perfect way to act in any situation but I think you've acted with the very best of intentions and obviously care a great deal about your family,step or not x

OP, you sound lovely and the love and affection you have for your SC is clear to see, it's actually really heartwarming. I would have done exactly the same. I have step GP and, even now in my 40s, they still send me money for my birthday and for both of my own DC, who they don't even know. I have said to my step mum repeatedly to tell them that they don't need to do this as we don't see them due to distance but they insist on treating us the same as the GC that they do see and who are biological. My own Grandma used to treat my step brother and sister the same as me too.

I'm so glad you're saying no to Christmas Eve, too. Your children should be with you and their siblings who clearly adore them ❤️

I am probably going against majority here…me and my DH have been together 13 years and each have a child from our previous relationship (my DD and my SS were 2 and 3 years old respectively when we met) we have since had 2 DS together…we both get on really well with eachothers inlaws but my parents spend much much more on their actual grandchildren and buy smaller gifts for their SS and likewise my inlaws spend a lot more on their grandchildren and buy my DD a smaller gift. I have never seen any issue with this whatsoever and know my DD and SS don’t mind at all as they have other grandparents too. Otherwise just means stepchildren are going to be getting twice the amount of presents if they get things from their actual grandparents and also step grandparents? Plus I realise the love you have for your actual grandchildren the majority of the time is stronger than for any step grandchildren and again see no issue here-they have their own grandparents 🤷‍♀️

And that is exactly how children in a family should be treated. "Step," "half," whatever. I know someone who is helping to raise his wife's grandson. He has no biological connection to the child, but he is Granddad and absolutely adores the little boy. Blended families can be successful, but that requires empathy, inclusion, and an open heart. Alas, many people (like the OP's parents) lack these qualities.

You’re lovely. I have a blended family and have relatives on my side who have always treated my stepson the same as my birth children and we have all gone out of our way to include him, so I think your parents’ behaviour is really unpleasant. I agree with previous posters that you might want to take over doing the box this year and don’t let your kids go over on Xmas Eve. I’d maybe consider gently explaining to your stepchildren what the situation is - that you won’t have it, you love them and appreciate them and their kindness. That you’ve covered someone else’s unkindness but now feel you can’t do that any more and that you think it’s awful behaviour. Again, you’re lovely. And so are your sdc - what they did re the bells with your ds was beautiful. Stick together, you’ll be fine.

I 🤔 you sound wonderful, OP. Your stepchildren are blessed to have you in their lives. Feel like giving you a hug!

I have 2 DSs and a DSD. My parents said they can't feel quite the same about my DSD but I explained that as the three DC care a lot about each other they need to be treated equally. My DSD has no other GPs and her DM has no assets. I do.

My three get a third each of my estate. I have poor health and so all three will get equal shares of whatever my mum leaves to me, should I predecease her.

Can OP not get her parents to see how important family unity is?

OP, you sound absolutely lovely- kind and considerate. Your SC are so lucky to have you in their lives. What you are doing ref Christmas/ Christmas box is totally correct.

i cannot understand how your parents can be so petty and spiteful- because that’s exactly what it is- spiteful, especially after your SC have voiced how much they enjoy the Xmas box. I don’t know how an adult can behave like that.

Please don’t stop what you’re are doing. It’s so important to treat them all the same especially if your SC have had a hard time in life.X

I would tell your parents if they wish to give a gift to your kids only then they may, but it will not be a Xmas eve box or any of that sort of thing. You will take over the Xmas eve box entirely so as not to devastate your kids, yes your kids because you accept them as equals. That it is their choice if they want to be cruel and cut joy out of the lives of others, but you will not in any way change the way you do things now. The box just won’t have a tag on it from them.

and they can have a day with their bio grandkids when it is convenient if that is what they want, but it will never be a Xmas eve or Xmas morning thing unless it is a time for wArmth and sharing.

OP you have done the right thing - and lovely it is too. You are the SP not your parents, it’s very sad that they don’t understand how your family works but that has to be their loss not your step children’s.

Definitely not being unreasonable, if you're treating your dsc as if they're your own, then it's pretty nasty of your parents to not include them. This is what I found about grandparents rights, it seems some grandparents think it means they can do what they want, but it doesn't.

https://commonslibrary.parliament.uk/what-rights-do-grandparents-have-to-see-their-grandchildren/

I don’t see why the op adding to the box for the other children is even an issue! I wouldn’t allow dc to go to them on Xmas eve, they are petty people. What skin off their nose is it for the other children to be included at no expense or bother to them? Now they know about it, they want to deliberately make sure they are not included, it’s nasty and spiteful!

"I know some people might think perhaps I should have been upfront and honest with SC but I couldn’t do that to them they need to feel accepted I wanted to protect them from yet more rejection in their life as they’ve had a tough time and they need stability and to feel valued."

But you could have been upfront and honest with them from the beginning without them feeling rejected. All it would have taken was a very simple "grandparents have made a Christmas box for their grandchildren, me and your dad have made one for you" - as simple as that. Everyone would have had something, and everyone would have known who it was from.
The feeling of rejection has been set up by you! In not wanting them to feel rejected you created a false relationship with grandparents who aren't their grandparents and who don't feel that connection with them, which would inevitably lead to rejection. You must have known the truth would come out eventually, either by one of the kids mentioning it in front of the grandparents or by one of the grandparents mentioning it in front of the kids? I'm astonished that the older kids have never thanked your parents for the gifts and brought this up before!
And now to perpetuate the step-children not being rejected by the relationship with the grandparents that you created, you are preventing your younger children, the actual grandchildren, from having a loving connection with the grandparents.
A very simple solution here is to let you parents treat their grandchildren and enjoy them, while you and your partner treat the teenage children - who are more than old enough to understand that small children get made a fuss of by grandparents especially at Christmas.

In your family, grandparents spend more on their actual grandchildren but they do buy smaller gifts for their step-grandchildren. OP's parents don't get any gifts at all for OP's step-children.

OP's stepchildren also don't have any maternal grandparents to balance this out.

You are a lovely person and your parents don’t deserve you! YADNBU

OP I think you’ve behaved in a much nicer fashion than I would have in your shoes. Imagine being so tight you couldn’t bring yourself to include 2 children who are an integral part of your family just because they aren’t blood relations! Clearly it means a lot to your SC and they feel loved and included by you which is all that matters. Sod the GPs- they will soon get over it when you put your foot down if they have any sense!

"And now to perpetuate the step-children not being rejected by the relationship with the grandparents that you created, you are preventing your younger children, the actual grandchildren, from having a loving connection with the grandparents."
That's a bit of a reach! The OP is doing no such thing. She is refusing to cave in to her parents "demand" to split the children apart on Christmas Eve (they are all siblings after all). Those "loving" grandparents seem to want to drive a wedge between the siblings/half-siblings. OP is quite correct to say no. In her position, I'd be telling them to f**k off with their bile.

I am a step grandparent to my sons partners son, she also has two young daughters with my son. I treat them all the same. When my son became step parent to him, he became one of our family, and none of us would dream of treating him any differently.

Obviously that is a bit different but hadn’t read the whole thread when I posted my comment. Also in my scenario both my DD and SS also have 2 sets of step grandparents as well as both sets of actual grandparents so more reason why they don’t expect same level of presents from their respective step grandparents

Arse holes. I would tell them if they can’t behave like grown ups and demonstrate the true meaning of Xmas then they can jolly well shove their box and you’ll do it yourself. If they insist on dropping something off it will go straight to the women’s shelter.

@Gottoshare you sound amazing as a step mum, well done.

OP has said they don’t have other grandparents. Sounds like the SDC have been through a lot - no other grandparents to make up for being left out.

In this case the OP’s parents don’t want to do anything at all for their step-grandchildren. Knowing they have no other grandparents, they’re happy for them to sit and watch the other two open the Christmas Eve box with nothing inside for them.

I’m surprised anyone thinks it’s ok. You don’t have to love them the same but it wouldn’t kill them to give the SGC a few nice treats on Christmas Eve too, surely?!

Do they have a ginger bread house in the woods and a trail of breadcrumbs too?
Just shows age is not a factor when it comes to being an arsehole.