Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

Great post. I can't believe that anyone is sticking up for the toxic grandparents, never mind with such zeal and determination as demonstrated by one particular poster.

Your best is great. Your a fantastic step mum. I cannot imagine dropping around a Christmas eve box that excludes 2 kids even if they happen to not share blood with me. If I ever become a grandparent or step grandparent and decide to do a Christmas eve box for them they will all get not just the biological grandkids.

You are doing great, pay no attention to the spiteful remarks 💐

So sad OP that that your parents are like this. Your DSC are lucky to have you. Do things your way and tell them to bugger off. They know how important this is to you and they don’t care. Just bloody awful. Xx

If your parents want the only want to give money to your children they should open a savings account and do that. They are allowed to gift to whoever they want.

Then should then not send a Xmas eve box at all.

You can then do a Xmas eve box for all 4 if you choose to.

It's hard now to undo this as you've pretended for 5 years the DSC have been included (for the right reasons).

Roll forward 10-15 years and DSC are getting married/kids will your DP acknowledge or ignore that too?

So what exactly would make the grandparents happy here? A receipt for an outing where two tickets cost the exact monetary amount that they'd given, plus evidence you'd made up the difference? Or is that too much joy to the stepchildren, and would they prefer you to make a point of taking only the youngest two out, would that be good enough for them?

This is the level of ludicrous and controlling we're talking. Becaure parents obviously pay for most of the things for their children, and a financial gift towards a day out isn't an easy thing to ringfence, the parents will inevitably spend on extras.

The grandparents are basically upset that the older children have derived pleasure from, and been included in, something they've contributed to, which is truly unpleasant.

My grandparents have been of far greater influence and benefit to my life than my siblings and I don't think that's unusual.

My last gandparent died when I was a baby. My siblings have been a lifelong joy and friendship.

Exactly this!

My mum wasn’t planning to buy for my sisters partners DC or get just a token gift because she barely knows them as he only sees them EOW.

I’ve never even met them and so I wasn’t going to get them anything either.

I’ve never heard of the extended family giving to SDC like this and if they did it would be a token gift not £100s, PJs, sweets etc which have taken a lot of thought and money.

If the SDC lived with them FT it would be different but they have their own grandparents and other family members.

I would no way expect my parents to spend time and money getting my step kids a gift.

And I wouldn’t expect my kids to share their gifts, just like I wouldn’t expect the SDC to share theirs either.

I wouldn’t want the DSC being left out and so I would have their dad prepare them their own Xmas eve boxes instead.

Then no one is having to share their gifts or being left out.

You are doing a great job OP and your step-kids are lucky to have you.

How does your husband react to your parents' cruel treatment of his two older children? All four children are his biological children so he may want to limit your parents' contact with his two younger children to protect them from their obvious dislike of their much loved siblings which wouldn't be healthy for them to witness.

I think its quite normal for someone to give money for children and then be upset to find out it wasn't just spent on the children it was spent on other people too. If they wanted the grandchildren to only get half of the money they gave them, they would have only given them half in the first place.

If OP wants to give her step children the same as her children she needs to pay for them, not use her parents money. Whether people think the grandparents should give the stepchildren money or not isn't the point, they are angry that OP has been dishonest with their gifts.

You’re not asking them to give an extra £1000, they are hideous, not acceptable.

She's not just expecting them to bring a small gift. She has said several times she expects all of the children to be treated the same or not at all and used the money given for the grandchildren for all of them equally which is not in the spirit of how it was given. She also states that she loves the children as her own and expected her parents to do the same or stay away. That is expecting the grandparents to take on the step children as their own grandchildren in my eyes and posters are actively telling her to go no contact and keep their grandchildren from them if they won't.

They do sound like tight arses from the quality street story, but they are clearly not right arses when it comes to giving to their own children because OP was given the quality street and her children are given Xmas eve boxes and a chunk of money. They are clearly upset that their generous gifts to their grandchildren are being shared with children who are not the intended recipients without their knowledge. The fact that people can't understand that is baffling. I think most people would be upset if they gave gifts to someone and someone was interfering and taking half of them for someone else before passing them on.

I had two sets of step grandparents, never expected a present from them.
I got presents from my two actual sets grandparents, as did my half brothers and sisters from theirs.

They may be angry about the money but they are also angry that they inadvertently contributed to some Christmas joy for OP's step-children. Instead of being happy when they heard the step-children saying how much they loved the Christmas Eve box tradition, their reaction was to be absolutely furious.

They should just open a savings account for their grandchildren and give them the money when they are 18 if they are so petrified that the step-children might be included in a family outing at their expense.

OP's husband is father to all the children and he may decide that these grandparents are not welcome in his home and be reluctant to let these GPs have unsupervised contact with his two younger children.

this - but absolutely no apology.

If the grandparents wanted to give money just for their own grandchildren then the kind and considerate thing to do would be to transfer money to the daughter’s account or, as PP said, to give set up an account. They can exclude the stepGC from their inheritance- that’s also completely fine.
It’s the blatant exclusion of the stepGC, who must have only be primary school age when it all started. It’s saying to small children, who are settling into a new family, that they are not welcome and will be considered as outsiders.

I think your parents sound like arseholes. That would have become a blazing row in my house and I would happily have low contacted until it was resolved. I know SC and blended families are difficult to navigate but it sounds like you are doing an amazing job and that needs supporting.

Yhey aren't angry they accidentally made other children happy, they are angry that gifts they chose and packaged for their grandchildren have been given to other children. I doubt they would have been angry if OP told them she and her husband bought the.christmas eve boxes for the step children.

The husband cannot unilaterally decide his wife's parents cannot see his children.

Not unilaterally, no. But as OP also thinks that her parents' behaviour is dreadful, she would probably support him if that is what he felt was best for their children.

Also, these are the things that OP has said about her own parents:

i know my parents don’t have to accept them that’s their choice which I disagree with but they seem to want to make it obvious and that is the bit I find really unkind.

Not to go into too much detail as not appropriate but SC have been through a lot and no GP on their mums side and a lot of difficult circumstances over the years. My parents know all of this and still
choose to be unkind and the only thing they’ve ever had to say was ‘why get yourself tied up in all of this you should have picked someone without kids !’ They just aren’t very nice unfortunately

OP makes it very clear that her parents choose to be unkind to her step-children and it is not just about the money.

My last gandparent died when I was a baby. My siblings have been a lifelong joy and friendship

I'm sorry you didn't have your grandparents in your life but the OPs childrens grandparents didn't die when they were babies, they are still here and actively involved in their grandchildrens lives so I don't see how this relevant in the argument to support binning off the grandparents if they don't want to pay for the step children.

I'm sorry you didn't have your grandparents in your life but the OPs childrens grandparents didn't die when they were babies, they are still here and actively involved in their grandchildrens lives so I don't see how this relevant in the argument to support binning off the grandparents if they don't want to pay for the step children.

They're actively involved in being dickheads to members of OPs family, their grandchildren's own siblings.
Thanks but no need to be sorry, I didn't know any different really.

Yhey aren't angry they accidentally made other children happy, they are angry that gifts they chose and packaged for their grandchildren have been given to other children. I doubt they would have been angry if OP told them she and her husband bought the.christmas eve boxes for the step children.

In fact OP confirmed that she bought extras of everything for the Christmas boxes.
It was just the cash towards the outings that were used for all four children.

But the money was given for a Christmas outing or event, that's different to giving money for a specific gift, in which case the GPs can transfer the money to the op or dgc bank accounts.

I've noticed you're constantly defending the GPs so either you ARE the GPs or you think you're in a similar situation so therefore defending yourself.

But I'm willing to bet you are not actually in the SAME situation because what you're defending isnt quite what is happening in op's case.

Op has said she's put money and items into the boxes to even them up for 4 children instead of 2.
Op has said that her DCs experience is enhanced by having the SDCs involved and that's what the money goes towards.

I'm sure whatever the event or experience is, there is still additional costs to op- fuel, food, her own ticket, her own food etc so giving money for an event really only partly pays for it.

Also, I wonder what the GPs would think if the gcs wanted to invite a friend to the event/experience?

I was this child, my step-dads parents (despite their son marrying my mum when I was only 3, so had basically grew up with his family) could not have made it more obvious they couldn't give a shit about me and I wasn't part of 'their' family.

It made for some awful Christmas visits - me sat in a corner while my sisters opened their presents with shitty "you don't look very happy, cheer up, aren't you happy for your sisters" comments. It was so bad one year, my (step) uncle took me out into the garden and pushed me on a swing in the freezing cold until we left so I wouldn't have to sit there dealing with it.

OP - you ARE doing the right thing. You have to be really fucking evil to do anything like that to children. Your parents can exclude them from their wills, they can set up a savings account for them for when they are older, they could quietly transfer you money for them if they wanted. There is absolutely no need to purposefully exclude them in such an obvious way, especially after the poor children told them how happy it made them.

I'd be furious and ashamed of them. You do the Xmas Eve boxes for all the children. You sounds lovely and they are so lucky to have you on their side.

I've noticed you're constantly defending the GPs so either you ARE the GPs or you think you're in a similar situation so therefore defending yourself.

😂 I'm neither. I'm a mum with young children that has lived the experience of OPs children.

I like several other posters never expected gifts from my step siblings grandparents/aunts/uncles because they weren't related to me, didn't know me and it would be weird and entitled to expect things from them. I certainly didn't expect equal gifts from them that my step siblings got to the tune of Christmas eve boxes and hundreds of pounds.

I saw these relatives two or three times a year and when I did see them they were nice to me. That is all that is required. It would have been really unfair to deprive my step siblings of their family over that when it was a complete non issue.

OP has said she put things in the boxes for the step children, she didn't say she told her parents that, she said she enjoyed seeing them angry that the boxes they gave to their grandchildren were being shared. Do they know OP bought extra or do they think it was just what they gave being shared? She also has said she didn't give money to the step children, she split the money from her parents between them.